So much for staying on top of this or even my normal day to day. After my last post in January, so much happened, I feel like I'm just now recovering from a majority of it, maybe even still working on processing it. But I'm at this cross road, or that's what I'm gonna call it, though it seems to just be a road block. "Just go around it," you say, but which way? That's what I'm struggling with, what way does God want me to go. I'm probably over analyzing, which I is somewhat of a bad habit, but this impasse is a big one.

For the last six months I have been pursuing better career opportunities with my current employer, unsuccessfully. For the past year, I have unsuccessfully found a position with another company. My current position is a dead end, though there is talks again of putting me in a lead/assistant manager position, which I have heard that story three years ago, and I'm not sure it would be much of a "growth opportunity" since my role currently is that, just without the title. Now throw in house hunting in a market that seems impossible to reach the desires of my husband and I.

I'm probably still on a vacation high, from visiting family last weekend. I think every time I go "home," I think about how we (I) would be better off in California. Except this time, it happened days before we even set out for the Golden State. I just fantasied about how maybe these things were not lining up because "We aren't suppose to be here anymore." Before last week, I would have never brought up California, or at least said it was five years before we would head that way, but for some reason it just seems more tangible now that it has any other time, or at least for me.

My husband is done with school in the next few weeks, then just has a few more months before he has his certification. October I celebrate five years with my employer and will be fully vested (free retirement money), which only a small part of me cares, but I have been encouraged by my husband and others to just stick it out. Buying a house, in Phoenix, is a big deal and I'm not so sure I'm on-board anymore.

Days like this, I wished I could just go to the studio, focus on creating something and not have to think about life decisions.

Unwanted Compliments

This week has been a whirl wind, and I can't seem to keep up at the moment. Yet, in this craziness, lack of sleep, and overall boredom state, I have seen so much encouragement and appreciation today. Made me realize that I am an amazing person, not just in regards to my job, but in the relationships I have developed with those around me. It's still hard to hear someone, who I deeply respect, tell me I'm "the bomb." Yes, I deflected with, "your amazing," because that's what I do. But really, I am. I'm the bomb, I'm talented, and most of all loved. People do not say these things because they are being polite, it's the truth, so accept it!

This month has been filled with missed deadlines, extra work load, and a bit of the pits. Yet, I sit here, with a smile on my face, because I know it can only get better, and this is just a moment in my life where things are not ideal. So I'm gonna work this muscle of mine that hasn't really been in use for the last three years... Hope I don't get a cramp.

How do I get there?

Yesterday was a bit of an emotional day, even depressing somewhat, which only leaves me completely exhausted. I started looking at job prospects for a majority of my day, in an attempt to be productive on my day off. Probably was a poor choice in activities, but none the less I did it for hours. Did I actually apply to any position? No, because I don't even know what type of work I want to do anymore. And excuse, of course, but really I am in a weird transition it seems.

I'm looking for growth, but also a promising career path that will include this growth along the way. Something that isn't just a filler job, like I have had in the past, though I gained ample experience from those. And something I can move with, as the idea is not to stay in Phoenix forever.

I was reminded by a quote I have on my FB profile; "Our problems are opportunities to discover God's solutions." Ultimately, God is in control, even if I am unhappy with my current standings, I need to remember He's guiding me. My friend, in efforts to cheer me up, hit me with a bit more. She pointed out that so many people were praying for me, praying that I would transition into this new role, some that even work with me indirectly. Yet, the position was filled with someone else. Immediately, I was ok, maybe being brave for those around me that would be upset. Some even shocked at the decision, but I said I was ok and that God had a plan.

Yesterday, I had terrible memory loss, because I forgot this. I once again, as humans do, took all of this weight and tried to manage it on my own. "It's ok God, I'll take care of it." I felt loss, bitterness and even anger. And the feeling of I was on my own in this, which is STUPID! So I worked myself up into some sort of depression, which didn't help that I was home, alone to my craziness.

Today, I'm better. Reflecting and friends always help. But most of all, prayer and meditation.

Day Two of 32

Yesterday I turned 32. Not totally shocking as I was expecting it, as I do each year, but this year is different. But was shocked with the amount of love I have received from so many people, not just family and friends. And I thank you!

Two weeks ago I had a huge interview, within my currently company. Truly felt I was a great fit for this position, but they decide to go outside, which I knew was a possibility. The way the news was given to me, didn't prevent disappointment, but was still greatly appreciated that it was done face to face and I could get great feedback from the head honcho. Which now, has turned into a type of mentoring, or that's how I see it.

This individual has challenged me to really narrow down what it is that I want to do, within this organization I have been apart of for four year, or possibly somewhere new. We have only had one face to face chat so far, but already I'm realizing things about myself in regards to my employment that before I didn't even think about. I'm hoping through this individual that my insecurities regarding professionalism fades, but that I can move forward and not feel like I'm stuck anymore. There is a better position for me out there, where my talents and desire can truly be used to their fullest.

This year will be a year of change, and I excited for it. Yes, there is always change, but I feel there is going to be some big this year, but only if I do my part.

I'm going to set some personal goals as well as these professional ones. Not because it's a new year, but because it's new me. I'm not going to include fitness goals or some clique crap like that, mostly because those are great and all, but I hardly stick to them. These personal goals, are for growth, mostly in regards to loving myself.

It was recently mentioned to me that I need to really thinking about what I let rent space in my mind. Currently, at lot of that should have been evicted a while back. Bad habits, insecurities and just overall irrationality. People are just people, I shouldn't be concerned in how they view me or how I think they may perceive me. I often count myself out before I even get to introductions. "They are going to think I'm and idiot, or realize that I'm just average." But I'm not average, and I am very intelligent, but I assume others are far superior to myself. It's just plain stupid. So I'm going to work on that. Negative thinking just causes irrationality.

I usually, from these irrational thoughts, seek encouragement for those around me. I call it a slap of reality, but really it's just me being a whiny brat. "Help me, help me! Tell me I'm just thinking to much." I'm an adult, not a child, and need to stop acting as such. I'm going to write down every day positive things about myself. Again, negativity just ruins everything, and is not constructive at all.

As I journey through this, I hope to continue, or re-continue my ramblings here. This blog is almost nine years old, and been a great asset to myself, but I don't utilize it as I should. I hope to change that.

Four years ago, this week in fact, I moved from Southern California to Phoenix, Arizona. I can't believe it has been four years, but alas, that's what happens when you grow older. Time passes faster and faster, and you try to just hang on. 

I will admit, the only thing that excited me about the move, was that in a month Jason and I would be married, and that Phoenix would only be temporary. I had no job prospects, close friends, or even family in this little valley of the constant heat, but I came, knowing it just had to be here for a little while. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I think, no, I know I would still willingly move here.

Why am I ok living in a place that is basically Summer from May to October? I'm not entirely sure, maybe the heat got to me, fried by brain or something. But I do know it's because I needed to be here, now, during this part of my life. Without the events, actions of others, and epiphanies, my mind and education would not be what it is  now. 

I would not be me...

For those who read these little posts, I'm sorry I have been away. I have thought about updating a few times, but alas, I never follow through.

It's been almost a year, and almost feels like nothing has changed, even though that is pretty much a lie. So I'll give a summary, I guess.

Job status: I still work at the same place that I have worked since moving to Phoenix. Same frustrations, work load, and incompetency from my manager and co-workers. A few weeks ago, we were celebrating my managers 5th anniversary with the company, so the Director made a little speech. The words were sincere on his part, but I couldn't help but feel like they were lies. That night I started updating my resume. I have applied to a few places, so far have only gotten one rejection letter.

Family: Still waiting for a big fat positive, which it's been year since I conceived. It's been driving me a little crazy each month, but have taken the first step to see if somethings preventing me from conceiving. So far blood work looks good, which helps me mentally. I'm just at the point in my life I need to know if we are gonna have kids or not.

Business: This I have been avoiding like the plague. Well, more like telling myself I won't sell anything, and it's a money pit. I just need to somehow re-wire my brain on this. I just don't want to put my family at a financial disadvantage.

Otherwise, everything is good, minus the extreme heat that is the Phoenix staple.

Dream Job Wanted

For almost a year, I have been overwhelmed with the idea of starting a business. I have been getting confirmation from others that I should start being more serious about it, including my husband.

I catch myself day dreaming about being in my home and working on plates, images and packaging, rather than sitting at a desk all day, staring at a computer screen in dead silence. But then I snap back in to reality, and my fears of failure stress me out more than they should. If I don't try, I have already failed.

Yes, I need something new in my life. Weather it's a job, hobby, or even social circle. But I really want to create these ideas I have been writing down, so why not sell them too. I technically already have an order for Christmas cards, but that's just through a friend of mine. I have been picking the brain of my successful sister-in-law, state business websites, even a mutual friend who has her own music lesson business. But where do I start? How do I market myself? Will my stuff actually sell? And pricing, I have never been good at pricing.

My sister recommended a book, Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job, and honestly I haven't read it completely, but it is very interesting and actually helpful. My current job isn't terrible, but I have really gotten to the point of "maybe I should be doing something else." I have been looking for awhile, but I don't even know what I want in terms of a job. I have had many days where I have told Jason or others friend that I'm just going to quit my current job. "I can't do this, I should just walk out, or give my notice." But I can't do that. As the book states, I will just get a new bosses in the form of bills and debt.

As soon as we move (September) I hope to have my first order done and gearing up the season in hopes to sell some thing... I know it will be a learning process, regardless of what happens.