Let's hope I don't burn the place down

So I caught my sister online this morning, and was kinda hoping to just chat and rant with her a bit, since we don't do enough talking to one another anyway. She asked me to be a candle lighter for her wedding...something I did back in 1998 for my sister Rachael, and I was 14 then. So being 23 I feel a bit old, maybe too old to be in that position, plus I can't wear my cool new brown one I bought. Oh well, I'll still look amazing, I'm sure of it. Plus, Brian's sister would be the other torch bearer, and she's about my age. But I'm sure I will look more like I'm 15 than 23...crap I'll be 24! For those of you that have never heard of Candle Lighters, they are two people, carrying an apparatus with a wick and flame, to light the two candles next to the Unity Candle. In some cases, there are a set of candle la bras placed strategically, on both sides of the Unity Candle, and they two are lit.

So I'm going home, I've decided, but I have yet to decide on my departure date and time. If I leave today, I will beat all the labor day traffic in California, but can't leave until after 4pm. But if I leave early, early, Friday, like 3am, I would get in at 10am and be extremely exhausted, and it's Swim Friday. Oh decisions! Just pray for Windex and I as we travel.

Being lame as usual.

I feel fat. Mostly because it's hard for me to find clothes that fit me and look nice. I'm gonna blame it most on the fact that God has decided to over bless me in the chestale area. Yes, I'm in portion and don't look like a freak, but it means I have to buy larger forms of clothing. I've tried buying smaller sizes, since it's only my bust that seems to be the problem, but I end up looking like I'm wearing clothes from elementary school, or those baby tees that just barely cover one's upper torso. Even dresses are hard to find...I think I just have to get everything tailored.

Well day two of school, and I'm already bored with it. I have three studios and an online, which seems like an overload already. College art classes are always at least two and a half hours long each day, but only 3.0 credit hours. So that's five hours for each class a week, plus outside studio time. I've already finished what was needed intaglio which isn't due until next Wednesday, and Litho I just need to get my pencils. Jewelry I am waiting on my kit, which is gonna cost me 215 dollars. Oh, the price I pay to be an art student. Eh, it's worth it. As Dave put it, "Do you know how many Printers are out there in the world?" Basically telling the whole class that Printers have a better chance at getting a teaching job than any other emphasis...guess I really do need my MFA.

Home has been on my mind a lot, especially with the lack of positives in my life right now. I do complain, or at least did, about being home, but this summer it was actually amazing. To the point that I missed home before I even drove away from the house. But do I leave Flagstaff at 4pm on Thursday, and drive the 7 hours to the LBC? Yes I could stop in Victorville and see the Monkeys, but that would mean I get there just as they're going to bed. It would keep me out of the Labor Day Traffic that would be expected Friday, and I can't leave any earlier due to Lithography.

Relationships have been coming up a lot in my little social circle. I mean, what is it that makes two people want to pursue one another? And after the initial capture, it usually dies down. Why is the chase so more important than the actual reward of something that could be so wonderful? I've been on both ends of that wild hunt for romance, even just recently. But once that first kiss is pressed against my lips, if that even gets to that, I know if this relationship is worth the work, even if they think differently. To tell the truth, I like the thrill of the adventure, but prefer the relationship, if I'm truly feeling it.

Sorry just feeling random...Rev. Lovejoy

Well I got my answer, the hard way. I had a feeling, big time, that they were trying to avoid eye contact. I hate that people just can't be honest with me, especially when they say they care about me, even as a so called friend. Friends don't deceive one another, at least not the one's that are concerned for you almost on a daily basis. I mean, my friend Gabe called me everyday this week, to just check and see how things were going with work and home, even after he let me down last week. It was a bit annoying to get phone calls while in the middle of load-in and striking of stage and roof, but glad to know someone besides my parents were concerned for my well being. But to tell me one thing, and never get back to me, and having to find out from someone else what really happen, sucks balls. Maybe Arizona really isn't where I need to be. Maybe God is showing me that there really isn't much for me out here in the middle of nowhere, which would be a shame and a heart breaker. But you've broken it before, even though you promised to never do it again, and I was just trying to get to know you.

Ok that made me sound really bitter, and at the time I was pissed, and it was like 3am. But with a day of work and class I've cooled down and got my head on straight again. Or at least for now.

It's kinda nice to hear a song you've forgotten about and think about yourself in that position. I have lately been using iTunes to play the music on my computer, rather than Pandora. I have not listened to these songs in almost a year, and one has come on twice in the past 24 hours. It's called "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. The words hit me every time. What would I do when I finally meet God and Christ face to face? As of right now, I would be full of shame, cause of the sin for the past two years that I've allowed to consume me. Yes, I have realized that it is sin and doing better about make the right choices, but right now in my life I feel that I'm not even slightly close to His standards. In all honesty, I think I would cover my mouth and cry...

Finished at 2am...

But yet I'm not mentally tired. The "Welcome Weekend Block Party" for 2007 is officially over, and I'm still ready for more apparently. The past two years I've worked this event, we have stayed as late as 3:30am. I guess I should be thankful for the fact that we did finish as early as we did. Yes, my back is in need of some strong hands, and my knees of replacements, but I expected more. This whole event went so much smoother than before, I believe all the veterans were in disbelief. The bands were ok, I really liked the Suburban Legends, mostly cause they reminded me of Reel Big Fish. Lots of horns, and beats. Still had a few loses, and cut backs, but all was dealt in a reasonable fashion. Let's just say, I was the chill.

I really just want to be a grown up, especially lately. Be done with school, find the man to whom I will love completely and will love me completely too, and start my own family of beautiful children. I often wonder why I haven't been snagged yet. You know: Hook, line, and sinker! I'm such a catch, and I don't think people really see it. I dream so much, probably too much. Very few have seen my potential, my true worth. It's taken me awhile, to really realize that I am a prized catch, but to who? I thought God was blowing the ship's sails in their direction, but is that ship meant to be docked? It's hard to know when the Captain's life, lover, and lady is the sea, and always will be. The morning mist of the salt breeze on his face as he comes from below, the search for unknown treasures always twinkling in his eyes (unless he only has one eye), and the sound of the waves crashing against the pitch covered beams of his starboard, are all things he even just experiences when thinking of this marvelous woman. How often will he be able to tell these tales of her if he allows himself to be tied in the lonely harbor? His heart knows that there is adventure in those deep waters, but stays in shallow waters, as if letting another take his only treasure, knowing deep down inside that no other should have that bountiful fortune.

I just hope people haven't stopped thinking about me, cause it's hard for me not to think about them...

I couldn't wait...

It's hard to hold one's tongue when it comes to wrong things, especially when you have two really spiteful roommates. I've been trying not to step on toes, and wait until we have our so called "house meeting" Sunday night, but today was too much. I understand you're moving, and I understand that you don't have the money for things, but think about the rest of the household. Be respectful of those other people living with you. People now a days, seem to not use common sense or even respect for those around them. I give so much respect to people, and do what is needed if not more, but never do I get it back. I just hope this isn't gonna bite me later, cause I can't handle it right now.

Someone told me that I have a lot of crushes, what the heck does that mean? I'm twenty-three, attractive in more than one way, and do have eyes. Just cause say someone is cute, doesn't mean I'm on them or attempting to be. There are a lot of attractive guys out there, and I will make my comments to those around me, but deep down I'm a chicken. I barely can say hello to people, so what makes you think I'll even wave to them? It kinda makes me feel like I just move from one to another. How can one move if there was no starting point? It's been a few years since I have had a decent long term relationship, and really miss that. So in away I'm looking at the potential prospects of that, but then again, I'm only looking. No action has been taken, and right now I don't have time. Which sucks!

I should really take tomorrow off...

Pick, pick, pick....

Today was a little bit better, I think mostly because I helped someone move, which helped me with my stress. Plus, somethings were done by my bosses to help me out with this so called BLOCK PARTY. I never want to do it again, just like everyone else involved.

I was gonna call someone today, just to pick their brain, since I feel like they give good perspectives and advise, at least when it comes to me. But I have not talked to this person in over a week, and know they are probably busy being a student at the moment. I don't want to bother them, but then again I do. But I can't dial the number...can't even let it ring cause they might answer, and I'm not ready, or at least don't feel ready for that "howdy." Even now my heart flutters just thinking about it.

I called my Mom and Becca out of frustration, once again, today. I told them both of my plans of maybe changing schools to finish my degree. I'm sick of the crap I've been given time and time again with those who surround me. Constant let down, even from those that I consider good friends. Oddly, when telling my Mom, she mentioned Tucson...Not sure why, but did. Maybe she thinks there is something out here in Arizona for me, but just not in Flagstaff? I'm not sure what she meant by mentioning it, but she did. So where would I go? I already looked into CSULB and CSUN, since they have printmaking, and they aren't that far from home. I just have to let Him show me the direction...at least with home I would have a job already, and a great one at that.

Why does religion always get me fired up? Mostly when those question my faith and/or beliefs and church teachings. Some random dude IMed me yesterday. Seemed cool, from Alabama, and looking to move this way. I don't usually talk to strangers, especially online. Today he messaged me once again, but brought up religion, since I had told him prior that I'm So. Baptist. He apparently is Methodist which is fine, just not a doctrine I completely agree with. But he seems to be telling me that my church and self should be more open minded when it comes to the Lord's Supper, simply because we don't practice it at every service. It's sacred yes, but not the focus of my beliefs. The Resurrection and preparing the world for the Second Coming are, at least with me, what our focus should be when it comes my walk with God. And to bring up the use of instruments is lame. Why should we be limited on what we use to praise Him? Yes my church has a nice, wide variety of these items, from the grand piano to electric guitars and hand bells. What's wrong with that? I'm sure if God thought it was a bad idea, our church would suffer in some way. As Josh Turner puts it, "He rules the world with a staff and a rod." I just hope I was a good witness.

Can I come home?

Seriously! I just want to pack up and leave. I can't believe how mean people have been to me in the past three days. People I thought were my friends apparently aren't. They would rather be rude to me in front of certain people, to impress them? That's lame! I get worked just as hard as some of the grounds people, yet I should pitty them for working 10 hours for me for a concert? I will be putting in 19 that day, so give me a little slack please.

What if I did move home? It would be cheaper, at least when it comes to school. But would I be happier there? I would have an awesome job, but would lose an awesome instructor. And would any of the schools back in California have what I need in terms of Printmaking? I really doubt that one.