I won't be home for Christmas...

I finally told my Mom last night that there was no way I could come out for Christmas, let alone Christmas Eve (which is usually is the big thing with all my family). I cried, a lot. I feel like a loser cause I told everyone that they would see me again around the holidays, obviously that's not how it worked out. I do get Christmas day off, and either the day before or day after as well, just don't know for sure. I think my Mom my be trying to sneak me home, which she should waste her money just to have me there for 24 hours, though it would be nice to see everyone. This will be my first Christmas away from home. Growing up kinda sucks, no it does suck.

There is still talk of moving back towards the West Coast, more like Jason has already made up his mind to move back to Phoenix. I'm not so sure I want to live in Phoenix, and I do know I would love to live in Flagstaff, and was going to try to make it work this year, before I decided to move out to Texas. At least in Arizona, I would be close to home, half a day max, cause I would have to stop and visit with some of my family along the way, regardless if I lived in Phoenix or Flagstaff. But moving to either has its pros and cons. Phoenix is actually closer to my Parents, but I would have to basically start over like I did here in Texas. Flagstaff would make me just two hours further than Phoenix, I have a Family in Flagstaff (Church Family) and a lot of my friends are still there, but there are no jobs unless I take a class at NAU (600 bucks) and my Friends are only in Flagstaff until they are done with school. But then there is a plan C, I guess you could call it. Just move on back to California. Which other than the family I have there, I would have to start all over again. There are very few people I still stay in contact with that are not my family...

I have a lot to pray about...

Not sure what to do right now.

I've been working non-stop it seems between my two jobs. To the point that my body made me stop yesterday. I still feel a bit crummy and not a hundred percent yet. But I'm trying to keep on trucking since I need the money. But I think soon, I will only have one job. Though I'm getting a pay raise at the grocery store, I'm having to work seven days between the two. Plus, I could pick up a few extra days with Goodwill, since they are currently short handed, and get paid more for the days that I would be at the store. It's not worth the stress and anger that I have been experiencing at the grocery store, I'm just not happy there. Yeah, they gave me a dollar raise, and are planning on teaching me to bake, but I'll have no days off. No time to recover from the week.

So I don't think I'll be going to California, let alone Arizona for the Holidays. Which sucks big time. Tickets are too much, I'm barely scrapping by, and don't have vacation time just yet. And now Jason is talking about moving back to Arizona next summer, after our lease is up. I think that just him being stress out from all the bumps we have had since arriving here. I don't know what direction we are suppose to go.

Well I better get to bed. Work 10 hours tomorrow at Goodwill. I am real do like working there, though I am alone most of the time.

I won't turn away

One of my favorite songs is by a Christian group called Tenth Avenue North, and it's title is By Your Side.

My adventure out here in Austin, Texas hasn't been as simple as I sort of thought it would be. But I constantly reminded myself that more than my family was supporting me in whatever way. God and I are still working on our relationship, though I feel like it's almost one sided, and I'm sorry for that. But He has been here since day one, and will be by my side through eternity. Just as things seem completely out of control, He sends hope and comfort. I am truly blessed to be where I am right now, though at times I do get caught up in this earthly form.

I am very grateful for the opportunities that He has given me just in the last two weeks. I just got a full time position at Goodwill, which is going really well.

But I still miss home, and things hear are still shakey, financially, but God will provide.

I want my Mom.

Everyone has some kind of comfort when everything seems wrong, mine is my Mom. She always can make me feel better even if I was the one in the wrong. Just something about her that makes me feel safe regardless if times are crazy or just frustrating or even both. She loves me completely, because I am her child, but it's conditionally. I know God is the same way, yet I'm yearning for something more physical.

I feel really alone right now, though I am surrounded by people. But not people that I'm comfortable enough to spill my emotions in front of. My life is being controlled by other people and all I want to do at this point is go home and be were I can even just cry and get it out. I'm tired of swallowing and swallowing every emotion that I have simply because I have no one to counsel with who really knows me. People back home know me.

Yes, I have Jason I can talk to, but right now it's not helping to much. I guess cause I'm just getting the same/similar answers, because he can only do so much or knows so much. I'm so lost in this situation and trying hard to figure out what it is I'm suppose to be learning.

I made it...

Now what am I suppose to do? I haven't even been here for a week and I'm not liking it at all. I realize Texas is a whole lot different than anything I have experienced in my 25 years of being on this planet. Yes, I have only lived in California and Arizona, but I never thought I would live somewhere so different and shocking.

I still do not have a job. I haven't looked a whole lot and I need to hook my computer up since Jason's computer apparently do not have MS Word on it. I have yet to call the gentleman at the seafood resturant downtown maybe I should do that tomorrow.

I don't think I'm home sick. I think I am just frustrated with a lot of things and it shows more with Jason than anyone else. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I haven't even finished unpacking the load I brought almost a week ago and beIng told it would be better if I went this weekend to get the rest of it that is being stored three hours away. This house is so little I'm not sure where everything is gonna go. There is no garage to even use for storage. But I should be thankful that I do have a roof over my head...

Goodbye Flagstaff...

As of Wednesday evening I will be leaving Flagstaff for the last time, only to return to visit rather than be a resident.

Yesterday was my last day at church, and I actually was a bit down about it. Ok, more than a bit. I have only been going there since January, and here it is August and I'm leaving. It was nice though, they planned a send off lunch for me. I had figured Jim and Pam (the pastor and his wife) were probably going to take me to lunch, plus I had nothing to really do, I was mostly packed from the day before. Funny thing was I got to church, and started to feel the anxiety of me actually not returning to FSBC like I have been doing for the past six months now. And then to have people secretly plan a lunch for me without even really knowing if I was available, it shows the family love that they have to offer not just to me but others. I stayed til the end, actually being one of five people to close the building down. Pam wants to have dinner before I leave, but we will see how that goes. I will miss her and Jim probably the most because they became my Flagstaff Parents in this short time. Pam even told me I was like her daughter. There were a few people that weren't there that I didn't get to say my goodbyes to, but I hope to visit in December since the plan is to be in PHX around that time. I promised at least a monthly update for everyone there at FSBC, I figure I can do that much.

I got to go see my family two weeks ago, everyone but Rebecca's family. It was still nice to visit and talk. Just sucks I'm going farther away, yet visiting about the same. It will definitely cost more to visit, since it's a full 24 hour drive to Long Beach from Austin.

I am still looking for jobs, I have only had one real call back, but we will see where that goes. Still have to get in touch with the schools about subbing, at least for now.

I'm excited to be starting a new adventure just wished it didn't take so long to get there. At least I have Debbie riding along and visiting for a week. It will be nice to have family around even though it's only for a little while...

Let the countdown begin...

I'm about four weeks from being in Austin, Texas for the next chapter of my life. I plan on leaving Flagstaff on the 5th, stay in Peoria for the night and then head out on the i-10. Jason's sister, Debbie, is going to ride with me from Phoenix to Austin. It's gonna take us two days since it is technically a 16 hour drive from Flag to Austin, so we are gonna spend the night in El Paso. That leaves eight hours to Austin which should be cake.

I have to ship some things ahead of me though Jason has already taken some of my stuff with him. I thought I down sized quite a bit but not enough to pack it all in my truck. My prints and images are mostly my problem. Anyone know where too look for large narrow boxes to ship things like that in? It will all get worked out some how, I just wished I knew how.

I have applied to ten jobs so far, most of them being receptionist type things. There is one job I would really like. We it's more like there is a place I want to work. It's with a sign shop the specializes in screen printing. I applied to three of their open positions that seemed to fit me but have only heard back from them that they were reviewing my application. I just need something and know God will provide but I really am starting to worry about. Most places don't like applicants that aren't local or having to do phone interviews.

Jason has two interviews this Monday and Tuesday. Both are with companies in his degree field, which he has two degree. More marketable I guess. He has been without work for the last two weeks because of moving and the fact that his paper work for a transfer was accidently thrown away. I'm glad that it's finally being sorted out and these other offers have come up, I just hope it's not any longer that he is out of work. His cousin Adam has been in Austin for almost six months now and still no job.

I'll be visiting home in two weeks and boy am I excited. But it also saddens me since I won't be home again until December. I have adapted pretty well being only seven hours away for the past few years, but now it will be more like 24 hours. Two hour plane ride is what Debbie, jason's sister, says. Why is the distance such an issue even though I will be visiting about the same?

Swing Blade on Independance Day

A lot has been on mind lately. Mostly because I have spent the last three days without a roommate, Jason and a dog. My life is changing and with change comes fear. I know I shouldn't be scared cause God will provide for me in His way. But I never have really liked change, though I am excited for the change, as it approaches closer and closer I can't help but think about the negatives. I have no job once I get there, and I haven't been looking either. My loans are due for repayment at the end of this month, which I could defer them a little longer after the move since I won't have a source of income to pay them with. And will I find a church family like the one I have now? One to continue growing and learning the truth of what being a Christian is to the rest of the world. I have been blessed with the people in my life, including those that aren't related exept through the blood of Christ.

I've been reading "First Light" mostly, which is an interesting book though it is fiction. It has been discussed at church by many people since the first few time I started attending there. The book was just kind of passed off to me one Wednesday night. I've had it for about three weeks now, but haven't had time to sit and read it, along with three other books I've been meaning to read. Yesterday I read 14 chapters. Everyone, except Vicki, says it's a hard one to get into. So many characters are introduced since it is the first book of the series. But I haven't had trouble getting into it. I'm hoping to finish it so I can return it. The series is something worth buying, but I have others to read before going onto the next in the series.

I want a kaiser blade to wheel around.

All I asked was a Question...

Just like everyone else in the world, I have friends that are non-believers. This morning I noticed that one of my friends posted as their status on Facebook as " It isn't god that I have an issue with but rather his followers......... ah jesus I pray you save me from your followers". This is someone I talk to occasionally, well when I see them, and I know I have told them that I am a Christian and attend such activities weekly. So I simply commented on it, for my own curiosity, "I'm a follower of God/Christ. Do you have issues with me?" Mainly because I wanted to know if my light was showing, especially since we were going over Romans 12:1-2 last night at Bible Study and discussing how Christians need practice insulation with the world, not isolation or imitation.

Well someone I know replied to my comment: "if i was them i was say depends... most of the people who say they are followers need to read the good book again and word search the word "pharisees" to make sure they arent selling their own souls to satan at the discounted rate. your retort( mrs r) isnt the sort of pride ( i use the word "pride" strongly) that the good book approves of. ahem... for shame? your anger isnt the way to win over friends. stand down" How was my question even an angry one? Or better yet, how was I being prideful? I do not know this replier at all, so I'm assuming, by the words chosen for the bible, that there too are a non-believer.

So obviously I was offend, i probably should have not said anything back, but I did. "I wasn't being angry, I was simply seeing if I even came off as a Christian to my Friends, I have never once pressured them about their "sins" or their believes being different from my own. I am not separate from those that are no followers, I have my issues daily.

The pharisees were soap boxers, stand there and show that they were followers of the One True God, but one is not saved by works, thus they were actually offending God by not completely surrendering to Him.

I was not trying to be prideful in any way. So you need to stand down, because you don't know me or my relationship with our mutual friend here. I am a Christian, not an asshole."

They responded once again: "the only material i have to work with is the aforementioned retort, ie "do you have an issue with me" deny the confrontational tone within that if you will... but do not think for an instant that you speak for the church. If your tone textually was what I encountered when i entered the church, you could consider me a strong non believer too. this is why i say stand down, you do all of us more harm than good."

Why do people make me so mad? I mean, Yes I have my beliefs and I hold strong to them, and I realize people have theirs, though they aren't always the in the sight of God, but I respect that, and just hope that as I build a relationship with them as friends and can get closer to sharing more and more of who I am, which is a Christian. Why does this world have to nit pick everything when it comes to Christian it? I realize that there are those in the "faith" that are not living like Christ, they are full of hate of those who are sinners, but would you want to talk to someone who is yelling at you that you're going to Hell? Some people that works, be for me, that would never work. Relationships are key to any situation, and though I have friends that are "ungodly" in ways, does not mean I cannot be friends with them. I am not going to agree with what they are doing is correct and not engage in such things because of my faith, but I can share my life with them in other ways... This just really offended me, and I know not every situation is going to be a easy one, cause if they were, God wouldn't have us here.

Haven't dropped it yet...

Let alone let go of it. Last Friday Apple released it's new iPhone 3G S to the public... Mine arrived at 10:30 am that morning. I love it! I am still getting used to it and like the size of it. Fits really well in my hand. I got the White 16GB rather than the big 32. I have an 80 gb iPod that I never had more than two thousand songs on it. It's going to Jason since his destructo pod died or went "gonzo." I think it's funny how people will look at my phone and sit there and inquire of it's cost and total expenses and then debate on weather it's worth getting. Jason says as of right now he wants one because the owner of Blackberry is trying to take his hockey team to Canada along with a few others.

I can't believe June is almost over. I haven't been home since May which I feel really bad about. But June just got too crazy even to come home for Father's Day. I'm hoping to come home in the next few weeks since VBS will be over as of tomorrow night and work will cool down a bit until mid July. Also, Jason is moving to Austin as of the 30th so for awhile he will not be consuming some of my time. I'll miss him and Gracie, but it's only for a little while. I need to get serious about finding a job cause substitute teaching is more part time than the crew position I had here with SUN.

I better get ready to head up the hill to church... Two more days.

So I'm out of my old house... Practically. I still have a few, very few items left there and some minor cleaning to do, but as of Saturday it should all be taken care off. So far only one casualty... I should have tied down the book case...

VBS is four weeks away, and I've gone over my work book a few times, but still worry if I can handle leading the class. I have at least two other people helping me, one being the Director for VBS this year, I almost just want to hand it off, but I said I would do it. Pam, the Pastor's Wife, said she would help me go over it and plan a bit. Honestly, I'm thinking more about decorating the room than the actual lessons. At least I have an age group that I'm comfortable with. How hard should it be to take Kindergartners on a trip to the Outback? Plus, that's the age group I usually coached during the summer for kickball or played with the most...

Like I said earlier, Jason and I are talking, well it's more than talking. He's actually been telling people, mostly close friends and family, that we are together. I know those of you that I have talked to a few month back during our break are probably thinking/saying "be carefull." I know... It's like the old Jason, like when we first started dating, but with a little known history. We both have talked about the break up, and it was a great thing for the both of us. God allowed up to figure out what it was we really needed of ourselves, mine was God. There are a few things that still need to be worked out and discussed and we are doing so, and my trust is still in God and I'm letting HIM make the decisions...

Jason is actually moving at the end of June to Austin, Texas. A month sooner than he expected, but family has upped the departure date. Please pray for him as he is looking for a job there to help cover his bills and expenses. He could transfer with Sears, but believes he would have to get a second job (probably delivering pizzas again) just to survive. He's trying to put his faith in God that He will provide, but it hard for him at times to think that way, especially now that he has kind of a deadline to meet.

As for me... Like I've been saying, my life seems to change every six months. So who knows...

And the Wrenches Fly

This week has been very interesting, but then again, every week is interesting in it's own way. Since I didn't get back to Flagstaff until Monday night, I've had my days mixed up, to the point I told someone I was going to church on Saturday night? Weird I know. But that wasn't even the most interesting part of my week, but I have been busy to the max.

I'm almost completely out of my old house. Just have a few things there, some of which is going to church for the youth yard sale, so it will live in the garage here until the Thursday before the Sale. I can't wait to get out of there completely and be done with it all. I mean, stuff has been taken that was mine, and I've asked for it back, but still haven't seen or heard anything about it, not cool. I think by Tuesday I'll be all out, and then this weekend I'll clean the areas assigned to me.

As for my working out, I found out that the first 3 week session of the Summer classes counts as Spring, so I can still go to the rec center for two more weeks, then I'll be using Kristin's ID. Hopefully we both don't decide to go at the same time. Oh well, 20 bucks for five sessions isn't bad I guess. But as for my training, I have done nothing, mostly because my excuse now is that I don't have shoes once again and I've been busy. Flip Flops just are easier to put on than laces.

Why does everyone seem to think I'm moving away. I thought I told everyone important that I'm staying through December, maybe longer, and applying to some Grad schools and Seminaries as of Jan 1st, 2010. Hopefully I can go visit a few of them, or at least my top three next semester.

I've been hanging out with Jason for the past four days. He's actually one of the people who thought I was moving away. We still have a lot to talk about, but it's nice to talk, hang out, and share time with one another again, just like old times. We are making plans to go camping, or road trips around AZ like we used to. He even wants to start coming to church with me, but until his supervisor comes back he is stuck working Sundays, but there is evening services/bible studies. But like I said, there are things that we still need to discuss, and it seems like everyday we get some of them out in the open. God is still in control of this situation like He was in January...

So weird, talking to someone back on via internets, and she had to get off because a huge earthquake just started...

Week 24: Time to Buckle Down

Last week I did nothing in terms of my training. It was kinda windy all week, and I didn't want to fight it or run 24 laps in the Field house, but maybe that needs to be my back up. But along with the lack of exercise being produced by myself, my diet has kind of gone out the window. It's hard to keep such a low calorie intake, especially when your schedule gets messed up or changed and you don't go work out. I'm gonna try to be better about it this week starting Monday, but hopefully I can get to the gym tonight.

Grad school is coming back into the picture it seems. I think I'll apply to both seminary and grad school in January next year for Fall 10 and see where that takes me. Honestly I think I would enjoy Grad school and the opportunities it will present.

I can't wait to move. People are starting to be babies and drama, and I'm over it. But at least I have a place for a little while. Doors don't need to slam and petty notes don't need to be posted. If you need to talk to me about something, you do it to my face. I'm really hoping that I don't have to approach them, cause I will go off, which will not be good for me or the other person.

I'm glad I'll be home in less that five days...

25 Weeks...

Until Race Day, so training starts tomorrow. But since I have more than enough time before race day, I'm using two different training schedules, mostly because I haven't really ran anything yet. Just been doing Cross Training I guess. I'm still going to use the stationary bike, it will help my cardio, but with this new endeavor I have realized that I'm missing a key piece of equipment: A watch. I haven't worn a sports watch since my last one broke in 2002, and that one was awesome.

I've been looking/comparing many, mostly Polar watches. But I guess for now I should just get a cheapie watch, and go for the Polar one later, or as I get closer to race day. Yes, the Polar watches are Heart Rate Monitors and some can tell you how many calories you have burned during work outs. So not something really needed for just running, I guess.

My housing situation is now up in the air. I think it will be ok, I have a back up if it falls through. Just have to see what God's doing with that, and it will come soon. But please pray about it if you can.

So tomorrow is 65 minutes of Cross training and a three mile run. I need to figure out a route, I have never ran around Flagstaff before. But hopefully I'll be able to figure it out before tomorrow.

I'm excited to go home, and I'm actually going to be hitting the LBC this time. Yet, it will still be a busy weekend. Plan on leaving Flagstaff sometime on Friday, hopefully not too late and get into Victorville sometime that evening. May go hang out with a friend, and stay with the Lusters. Birthday parties, Tee ball, and baby holding is what's up for the following day. Sunday, my niece Eleanor is getting baptized, and Henry is getting dedicated, plus it's Mother's Day. I may just leave that Thursday afternoon, not sure if there is really a point to staying in Flagstaff on Friday...But we will see when it gets closer... 12 days to go.

Didn't Expect Easter...

To be like it was today. Went to Church, obviously my flaky friend flaked. My atheist friend tells me that he wanted to come really bad to breakfast at my church, but his parents asked him to come to Sedona to see a church play his Mother was in, and stay for Easter service... Kinda shocking!

So I went to church, text most of the people I deeply care about "Happy Easter," which in turn found out that my brother's cat is possibly dying (we've had him since 1992). Ate a huge breakfast with wonderful people, went to Sunday School, laughed with everyone and helped decide where to go next in our studies.

Then it was service, which I had discussed with Pam and Pastor Jim about moving my letter and becoming a member at this church earlier in the week, so all I had to do was walk to the front at the invitation...Yikes! I don't like being the center of attention, but if that's how it goes...

But after sitting and chatting it up with a few people, the head decon(I think he's the head decon) walks up to me, which he usually does every Sunday and says hello or something, but this time he asks if I had somewhere to go for Lunch this afternoon. I was kinda shocked at first, I just never really did anything on Easter if I was in Flagstaff, I usually just go home and eat whatever and veg out. "Today's kinda a bad day to spend alone, so if you would like, or if you didn't have any plans, you can come over to our house have lunch, and we can work out the details after the service." I ended up spending 5.5 hours at their house, just talking and laughing and discussing church stuff. I think I made the right choice about attending FSBCF.

So service starts, a few people are caught counting the attendence, I made sure I wasn't one of them. The deal is, if we got 100 people attending service today, our Pastor would have to sing the following Sunday. We got 93, and there were some regulars that were not present, but we have been instructed to not harass them for not being there. It was a great service, and did walk up there and prayed with Pastor. Then stood in the front and shook practically everyone's hands, even one of the members stood up there with me, I think she thought at first I was making a proffession of my faith. Oh well!

I am so thankful for this Church Family that I have become a part of. As Megan(went to lunch at her house) put it, "Welcome to the Family, and the insanity." Made it feel like home... and I know I will grow here, it's already happening. It's not just Church time, it's family time, everytime, even when we are cleaning bathrooms! I love it there, just not sure how long I'm suppose to stay there.

Obviously, with my SBC Letter being moved to Flagstaff, again, my direction in life is to stay here at least through December, but it might be longer. Seminary is something I am also looking into, but unsure which direction in that I'm suppose to go. So for now, I'm trying to keep my Job at NAU, or find one in town so that I can afford to live up here, nothing else. Yes, my loans are due starting July first, but God has allowed for me to prepare for that, and they will be taken care of regardless of my job status. Hopefully I will know if I'm suppose to go to Grad School for my MFA in Printmaking (which seems more doubtful now), or head off to Seminary some where (leaning towards Southwestern or Golden Gate in PHX) by next January. But then again it's in God's Hands, and my trust is in Him.

One or two steps closer....

This week has been interesting, well actually these past few months have. I've realized that my standards for the composite sex were higher than I originally thought. Must: have Faith, be Male, and not-racist. Someone said, "that's still a wide net to throw." But not up here in Flagstaff, I mean most people my age don't go to church, let alone a Southern Baptist Church. Oh well, I just laugh.

I also have realized, though I am not in a dating type relationship, I'm still busy as ever. My time management is getting better, but still I'm wishing for more time to do things, mostly trying to fit in another work out for the day.

Wednesday night, I went to bible study, which only ended up being a prayer meeting since our Pastor wasn't back up from PHX in time. No worries, just glad that he and his wife did make it home safely. So I decided to head over to Greenlaw, the church that Jason was baptized at last year. I pulled in the parking lot, and the first thing I notice is that they are just finishing praying, so I assume it's over, but decide to go in a mingle with a few. Then after parking I see him, Pastor Campbell and his big fatty gut. Sorry, I have issues with Fatty People and not even sure why? But anyway, I seriously sit in my truck for almost 10 minutes, cause I don't want to have to walk past him, but decided to go in even though it was going to be awkward. I passed him in the hall way, shook his hand and went into where everyone else was.

Apparently it was a going away party for one of the families. So I chatted it up with my favorite people and few others, as I could see Pastor Campbell making his way towards me, getting side tracked along the way... But finally he comes and shakes my hand again.

Of course he asks about Jason (which I didn't know he had been calling anyway), who I haven't really talked to in about two to three weeks, unless Facebook for 5 minutes counts. Then he invited me back to church, which means my request for membership hadn't gotten to the right person yet at FSBC. When I told him I was attending FSBC, this man, how dare him, asked me what the attendance was there. Inside I was so mad! but didn't show my discus on the outside.

I know a little why he asked, because there was a "Great Divide" at Greenlaw a bit before Jason and I started attending there. Most of the members went down the road to FSBC, and very few of them have talked to me about there attendance at GL, which is fine, I don't need to be in their business. I mean, Pastor Jim and Pam went to GL a few years back, before he took on the role as Pastor at FSBC.

And then he asks if I am a member there yet, which I was unsure, so I said no. "Oh good, I can still recruit you! hahahahaha" I wanted to say no to his response, cause I was already in the process of moving my letter. I was just glad Brenda didn't leave me alone in conversation with him, I think it would have been worse. But I did get invited to the Good Friday Service they were having.

Thursday went by so fast! Went to work and the next thing I knew I was leaving to go home. Dropped of my Co-worker, Faby, and drove by church to see if Pam was there. Sure enough she was, so I spent like two hours there talking to her, and filled out the form to move my letter. It got left in the safe apparently and Jim just got it the day before. She said he felt so bad about it. But we talked about so many things, including my Wednesday Night, a bit of my back ground, seminary, her daughters, and so on.

Pam was the first person that greeted me the first time I went to FSBC back in November and again in January. Made my experience feel like that of attending church when I was little back in Long Beach. It's wasn't just church, it was family. It hasn't felt like that in a long time, and I can tell I'm growing!

Friday came along, did a half day at work, went to Lunch with Brenda, cleaned my room for the most part. I have a lot I need to go through and purge. Then went to church at 7pm for Good Friday Service. Walking it was kinda weird, and I wanted to turn around as I got the program and was told to take a nail. "great he's using props again," fills my mind. But then I told myself to just be patient, maybe he was going to go over the meaning of the nails, or something. So I sat there feeling the urge to leave, and observing everyone and realizing why I never returned to GL. I wasn't sure what his message was, so rambled and seems like nonsense.

So what did I do, I just talked to God. I bowed my head, and just talked to Him. And boy did I talk to him, I have only cried in church at my grandparents funeral. I try my best to hide my emotions especially when it comes to crying. But as I was in deep communication with Him, tears just started coming down my face. I didn't even throw my nail at the foot of the cross, which the nail just ended up being a nail, not a symbol for anything...LAME!

I have requested information from all but two SBC seminaries, but have only gotten two packets, once from Southwestern (Fort Worth, TX) and Southeastern (Wake Forest, NC). The one in NC is about 20-30 minutes from Durham, so be prepared Emily and Kyle to have your kitchen invaded. But I'm not sure where I'm going, yesterday as I was praying, I feel like seminary is the direction he wants me to go... But I could be wrong...

Today is an Easter Egg Hunt at church, and it's SNOWING!

So I guess we are moving it inside. I get to help a bit, just not sure with what yet.

6pm - 1am...

And I'm not tired. Probably cause I did practically nothing today, except be home for two repair guys. I know I should go to bed, cause I have a day that starts at 8am... Church stuff, Geo Caching, and catching up with people socially... Then I do it again Sunday morning, but I love my Sundays. Good church, good people, and I take something from it each time.

This week has been an odd one. I've been in recent contact with people I haven't seen in over a year, if not more, and the conversations we have had are quite interesting in different ways. Some I completely relate to, feeling that recent sorrow again as if it had just happened hours before. Or reminiscing of high school, and a promise I made in 10th grade about my high school reunion, which is only 3 years away! But they all seem to involve what I'm gonna do next... and all I can say is "I don't know." My sister said it's ok not to know right now, and I understand that. Yet, it's still something that crosses my mind and often included in my daily conversations.

Life is easy if God is in control, or at least I feel it is. But when you are still trying to fight for that control, even after telling yourself He is, that is when life is hard. I'm not worried about money, I'm no longer worried about a job. My concern is what I'm suppose to do for God.

Oh yeah, and I got to party with this dude...

Bad Trips Lead to More Focused Life...

Most of you don't know that I went to Atlanta, GA for Spring Break last week, rather than going back to the hood and spending time with family. Bad choice, but I really didn't take the time to think about it, I seriously bout my ticket only two days after hearing about the trip, and might I add, not knowing all that it entailed. After my purchase, I find out the remaining odd travel details, but felt like I couldn't back out. Almost did, because as I hung out more with the one that invited me to go, the more I didn't want to go. I really don't like LIARS. Yes, I can already see some people thinking, "but she used to lie about almost everything." This is true, which is probably why I don't like people who are complete liars about everything, even when their lies catch up to them, they just add another. So I got toted around Atlanta, my camera broke the first day, just as we entered the World of Coke, so I recorded my adventure to being "COKED OUT."

Though the trip was not one that was very enjoyable, I did talk to God a lot. Mostly because I was excluded from the conversations anyway. Really wished that we didn't eat crap the whole time we were there, which consisted of things I could get in Flagstaff basically. No Fried Southern Food at all... And I really wanted Crawfish.

But my life has changed a lot, and the direction that I thought was the right one, no longer seems that way. I'm trying to figure out what God's doing, and wanting me to do to better serve Him. Missions have come up again and again, seeming more frequent, but I'm not sure if that's what's next. So please pray for me, many things are coming up, and I'm unsure of which one is the right one.

Exercise causes pant loss...

So I'm taking this really lame fitness and conditioning class so I can still work at my campus job. It's really lame. I sign-in, work out, sign-out and leave. It's only two days a week. Just recently I've started getting really hardcore about my workouts. So far I'm up to 50 minutes on the bike, doing the hills mode at level 12, and I've started to do more at home. Along with my food intake change, more small meals with veggies and fruits, my pants that I got in December are falling off, and my belt is on it's last notch! I'm not sure if I'm actually losing weight, but I am losing inches. My goal right now, is to maybe do the Long Beach Half Marathon that I did in 2001. We shall see...

I wish God gave me this Talent...

Let it snow...

Had to left work at 2pm Monday, and this is what I came home to...

Change...

A big one and one I really needed. I am a very angry person, or should I say I was. Thursday, I realized that I was, and now since then I've been working on it in more than one way. Reading at least 11 scripture verses, all ones that are specific to areas that I'm currently needing wisdom on, working out after work (sometimes two or three times), and reading a web page I found on controlling anger.

I'm a big time complainer, BIG TIME! At work all I do is complain about what others aren't doing, or the fact that I have to do their jobs for them (not always by choice). And complaining gets me now where, and just makes me waste energy and just creating unneeded stress for myself.

Just like being aggressively angry gets me no where. I don't like who I am during those situations, and I feel like I've started to get a grip on how to handle myself when I am upset about something. God says it's ok to be angry, but not to hold it in. And anger is just another emotion, but excessive anger just pushes people away, and makes you one unhappy person. One thing I know about myself is that I let little things become extravagant. And I mean minor things. I know I have been told, a few times from Jason, that I can be too serious at time, never really able to relax and see how dumb it is to be getting upset. So far I've been able to just tell myself it's not a big deal, or that it will be taken care of. I'm definitely feeling better. I mean, last night, sitting home by myself, just watching tv and chatting online... I wasn't feeling upset for being home, with nothing to do, just enjoyed it and my day...

I still have a long way to go, and I hope I'm able to let God guide me, and give me wisdom about my behavior, or how to control myself better.... So please pray for me...

I'm 24... until tomorrow

It's hard to believe that tomorrow at 7:55am PST I will be officially a quarter of a century old. But I have my Bachelor's (finally, and my diploma came a few weeks ago), a wonderful boyfriend that makes me happy (most of the time) to be around, and somewhat of a career goal. Yeah, most people my age are married or have been for a few years, but I'm not ready. I'm not even working in my field yet, and trying to start a family would almost postpone that.

Yes, in Five months my life is going to change, I'll basically be starting over...Scary! But as I think (and talk to Jason) about, it's becoming something more tangible. I'm still not sure if my plans of Texas for July and the next 3 years is what God wants for me. I miss home, and moving two states over (basically being 24 hrs away by car) makes me miss home more, and I'm not even there yet. I've been away from family since 2004 essentially, but only half a day away at most. Now my plans make me even further... I've missed so much the last 4.5 years, is more really going to make a difference.... Births, weddings, family gatherings... I just need to pray more about it.

Never have I felt so screwed!

Friday, four days ago, I was promised 30 hours a week, which I need a min of 25 to just scrap by according to my budget. But as of today, I get 20, and only 20? I'm so mad... and scared...