I want my Mom.

Everyone has some kind of comfort when everything seems wrong, mine is my Mom. She always can make me feel better even if I was the one in the wrong. Just something about her that makes me feel safe regardless if times are crazy or just frustrating or even both. She loves me completely, because I am her child, but it's conditionally. I know God is the same way, yet I'm yearning for something more physical.

I feel really alone right now, though I am surrounded by people. But not people that I'm comfortable enough to spill my emotions in front of. My life is being controlled by other people and all I want to do at this point is go home and be were I can even just cry and get it out. I'm tired of swallowing and swallowing every emotion that I have simply because I have no one to counsel with who really knows me. People back home know me.

Yes, I have Jason I can talk to, but right now it's not helping to much. I guess cause I'm just getting the same/similar answers, because he can only do so much or knows so much. I'm so lost in this situation and trying hard to figure out what it is I'm suppose to be learning.

I made it...

Now what am I suppose to do? I haven't even been here for a week and I'm not liking it at all. I realize Texas is a whole lot different than anything I have experienced in my 25 years of being on this planet. Yes, I have only lived in California and Arizona, but I never thought I would live somewhere so different and shocking.

I still do not have a job. I haven't looked a whole lot and I need to hook my computer up since Jason's computer apparently do not have MS Word on it. I have yet to call the gentleman at the seafood resturant downtown maybe I should do that tomorrow.

I don't think I'm home sick. I think I am just frustrated with a lot of things and it shows more with Jason than anyone else. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I haven't even finished unpacking the load I brought almost a week ago and beIng told it would be better if I went this weekend to get the rest of it that is being stored three hours away. This house is so little I'm not sure where everything is gonna go. There is no garage to even use for storage. But I should be thankful that I do have a roof over my head...

Goodbye Flagstaff...

As of Wednesday evening I will be leaving Flagstaff for the last time, only to return to visit rather than be a resident.

Yesterday was my last day at church, and I actually was a bit down about it. Ok, more than a bit. I have only been going there since January, and here it is August and I'm leaving. It was nice though, they planned a send off lunch for me. I had figured Jim and Pam (the pastor and his wife) were probably going to take me to lunch, plus I had nothing to really do, I was mostly packed from the day before. Funny thing was I got to church, and started to feel the anxiety of me actually not returning to FSBC like I have been doing for the past six months now. And then to have people secretly plan a lunch for me without even really knowing if I was available, it shows the family love that they have to offer not just to me but others. I stayed til the end, actually being one of five people to close the building down. Pam wants to have dinner before I leave, but we will see how that goes. I will miss her and Jim probably the most because they became my Flagstaff Parents in this short time. Pam even told me I was like her daughter. There were a few people that weren't there that I didn't get to say my goodbyes to, but I hope to visit in December since the plan is to be in PHX around that time. I promised at least a monthly update for everyone there at FSBC, I figure I can do that much.

I got to go see my family two weeks ago, everyone but Rebecca's family. It was still nice to visit and talk. Just sucks I'm going farther away, yet visiting about the same. It will definitely cost more to visit, since it's a full 24 hour drive to Long Beach from Austin.

I am still looking for jobs, I have only had one real call back, but we will see where that goes. Still have to get in touch with the schools about subbing, at least for now.

I'm excited to be starting a new adventure just wished it didn't take so long to get there. At least I have Debbie riding along and visiting for a week. It will be nice to have family around even though it's only for a little while...

Let the countdown begin...

I'm about four weeks from being in Austin, Texas for the next chapter of my life. I plan on leaving Flagstaff on the 5th, stay in Peoria for the night and then head out on the i-10. Jason's sister, Debbie, is going to ride with me from Phoenix to Austin. It's gonna take us two days since it is technically a 16 hour drive from Flag to Austin, so we are gonna spend the night in El Paso. That leaves eight hours to Austin which should be cake.

I have to ship some things ahead of me though Jason has already taken some of my stuff with him. I thought I down sized quite a bit but not enough to pack it all in my truck. My prints and images are mostly my problem. Anyone know where too look for large narrow boxes to ship things like that in? It will all get worked out some how, I just wished I knew how.

I have applied to ten jobs so far, most of them being receptionist type things. There is one job I would really like. We it's more like there is a place I want to work. It's with a sign shop the specializes in screen printing. I applied to three of their open positions that seemed to fit me but have only heard back from them that they were reviewing my application. I just need something and know God will provide but I really am starting to worry about. Most places don't like applicants that aren't local or having to do phone interviews.

Jason has two interviews this Monday and Tuesday. Both are with companies in his degree field, which he has two degree. More marketable I guess. He has been without work for the last two weeks because of moving and the fact that his paper work for a transfer was accidently thrown away. I'm glad that it's finally being sorted out and these other offers have come up, I just hope it's not any longer that he is out of work. His cousin Adam has been in Austin for almost six months now and still no job.

I'll be visiting home in two weeks and boy am I excited. But it also saddens me since I won't be home again until December. I have adapted pretty well being only seven hours away for the past few years, but now it will be more like 24 hours. Two hour plane ride is what Debbie, jason's sister, says. Why is the distance such an issue even though I will be visiting about the same?

Swing Blade on Independance Day

A lot has been on mind lately. Mostly because I have spent the last three days without a roommate, Jason and a dog. My life is changing and with change comes fear. I know I shouldn't be scared cause God will provide for me in His way. But I never have really liked change, though I am excited for the change, as it approaches closer and closer I can't help but think about the negatives. I have no job once I get there, and I haven't been looking either. My loans are due for repayment at the end of this month, which I could defer them a little longer after the move since I won't have a source of income to pay them with. And will I find a church family like the one I have now? One to continue growing and learning the truth of what being a Christian is to the rest of the world. I have been blessed with the people in my life, including those that aren't related exept through the blood of Christ.

I've been reading "First Light" mostly, which is an interesting book though it is fiction. It has been discussed at church by many people since the first few time I started attending there. The book was just kind of passed off to me one Wednesday night. I've had it for about three weeks now, but haven't had time to sit and read it, along with three other books I've been meaning to read. Yesterday I read 14 chapters. Everyone, except Vicki, says it's a hard one to get into. So many characters are introduced since it is the first book of the series. But I haven't had trouble getting into it. I'm hoping to finish it so I can return it. The series is something worth buying, but I have others to read before going onto the next in the series.

I want a kaiser blade to wheel around.

All I asked was a Question...

Just like everyone else in the world, I have friends that are non-believers. This morning I noticed that one of my friends posted as their status on Facebook as " It isn't god that I have an issue with but rather his followers......... ah jesus I pray you save me from your followers". This is someone I talk to occasionally, well when I see them, and I know I have told them that I am a Christian and attend such activities weekly. So I simply commented on it, for my own curiosity, "I'm a follower of God/Christ. Do you have issues with me?" Mainly because I wanted to know if my light was showing, especially since we were going over Romans 12:1-2 last night at Bible Study and discussing how Christians need practice insulation with the world, not isolation or imitation.

Well someone I know replied to my comment: "if i was them i was say depends... most of the people who say they are followers need to read the good book again and word search the word "pharisees" to make sure they arent selling their own souls to satan at the discounted rate. your retort( mrs r) isnt the sort of pride ( i use the word "pride" strongly) that the good book approves of. ahem... for shame? your anger isnt the way to win over friends. stand down" How was my question even an angry one? Or better yet, how was I being prideful? I do not know this replier at all, so I'm assuming, by the words chosen for the bible, that there too are a non-believer.

So obviously I was offend, i probably should have not said anything back, but I did. "I wasn't being angry, I was simply seeing if I even came off as a Christian to my Friends, I have never once pressured them about their "sins" or their believes being different from my own. I am not separate from those that are no followers, I have my issues daily.

The pharisees were soap boxers, stand there and show that they were followers of the One True God, but one is not saved by works, thus they were actually offending God by not completely surrendering to Him.

I was not trying to be prideful in any way. So you need to stand down, because you don't know me or my relationship with our mutual friend here. I am a Christian, not an asshole."

They responded once again: "the only material i have to work with is the aforementioned retort, ie "do you have an issue with me" deny the confrontational tone within that if you will... but do not think for an instant that you speak for the church. If your tone textually was what I encountered when i entered the church, you could consider me a strong non believer too. this is why i say stand down, you do all of us more harm than good."

Why do people make me so mad? I mean, Yes I have my beliefs and I hold strong to them, and I realize people have theirs, though they aren't always the in the sight of God, but I respect that, and just hope that as I build a relationship with them as friends and can get closer to sharing more and more of who I am, which is a Christian. Why does this world have to nit pick everything when it comes to Christian it? I realize that there are those in the "faith" that are not living like Christ, they are full of hate of those who are sinners, but would you want to talk to someone who is yelling at you that you're going to Hell? Some people that works, be for me, that would never work. Relationships are key to any situation, and though I have friends that are "ungodly" in ways, does not mean I cannot be friends with them. I am not going to agree with what they are doing is correct and not engage in such things because of my faith, but I can share my life with them in other ways... This just really offended me, and I know not every situation is going to be a easy one, cause if they were, God wouldn't have us here.

Haven't dropped it yet...

Let alone let go of it. Last Friday Apple released it's new iPhone 3G S to the public... Mine arrived at 10:30 am that morning. I love it! I am still getting used to it and like the size of it. Fits really well in my hand. I got the White 16GB rather than the big 32. I have an 80 gb iPod that I never had more than two thousand songs on it. It's going to Jason since his destructo pod died or went "gonzo." I think it's funny how people will look at my phone and sit there and inquire of it's cost and total expenses and then debate on weather it's worth getting. Jason says as of right now he wants one because the owner of Blackberry is trying to take his hockey team to Canada along with a few others.

I can't believe June is almost over. I haven't been home since May which I feel really bad about. But June just got too crazy even to come home for Father's Day. I'm hoping to come home in the next few weeks since VBS will be over as of tomorrow night and work will cool down a bit until mid July. Also, Jason is moving to Austin as of the 30th so for awhile he will not be consuming some of my time. I'll miss him and Gracie, but it's only for a little while. I need to get serious about finding a job cause substitute teaching is more part time than the crew position I had here with SUN.

I better get ready to head up the hill to church... Two more days.