Troubled Mind

It's days like these that I need to print.

I went to bed hours ago, four to be exact, but didn't sleep a wink. I've been crazy all day it seems. Not, I've lost my mind, or I don't I have crossed that line. But simply having anxiety for the last 10 hours of my day. I tried blaming the coffee, the one cup I maybe have a day, but today that wasn't the true case of my funky day.

Phoenix is hot, monochromatic and (your pick). I was not my first choice, or my choice at all, in terms of a place to live. No, don't think I just settled because I got married. I have a purpose here, a God-given purpose, just not sure what that purpose entails exactly. So I'm praying, but mostly dealing with the situation in front of me. It could be worse. I could be homeless, rather than jobless. I could be addicted to drugs or a high school drop out, rather than educated and on the up and up. So why am I unemployable or at least feel that way?

I have a bachelor's, which now a days gets you what? Just above Hobo status, maybe. Depends on the amount of digging or fishing for scrap metal or "treasures." Get a second degree or a master's? Is that what I heard, my dear reader? A master's in my "emphasis" leaves me in the same condition, just more debt and more of a troubling mind. A master's in another area, then? That's a great question, do you have the answer as well? Don't get me wrong. I would not trade my exchange my "trade" for another career path. I am happy with my choice, and made my decision long ago, realizing it was not going to be easy after graduation.

My employment history is... how do you say? Interesting. Out of the few employment endeavor, none are really similar to one another. Nor does my resume (or cover letter) show what I am really made of. So meet with a manager, ok. Do a follow up phone call, ok. In the last two years I have had a total of two actual face-to-face interviews. If you count the skype interview, that's totaling to three. So why do I feel so discouraged? It's all good, right?

Interviewing, that's a joke. I interview so badly, and I have tried to practice with different people or in different ways and nothing! Most of my previous jobs I had a little network help. Either I knew someone personally or was somewhat related. Sucks for me now, cause I had it easy for the most part. "just be yourself" Have we met? I'm sort of a dork, a funny (to myself) kind of person. Not average at all.

But I am grateful that I do have faith in God. Without Him, I think I would be pretty darn worthless at this point. I'm in a pit, a deep one, but know that tomorrow is another day, and that God's Plans for me are coming. Just wished He would let me in on some of it, but it's all on His terms.

I'm also very grateful for the fact He gave me Jason. Without Jason, my faith wouldn't be what it is, or at least that's how I feel. We both have a hard time letting God handle things, but time and time again we give God the credit He deserves. Without God, we would have drowned in Austin, but our heads were always above water. Without God, we both would be two very different people and probably would not have known the love we have for one another.

I appologize for my blog post. I guess I just needed to get my frustrations out of my head and off my heart. I have applied to at least 20 jobs in the last three days, two of which says the hold process will take 8 weeks, at least. I really just need a job now, anything legal. I can't dance, I'm a Baptist. (tacky I know) So those of you who could, please pray for others like myself that need employment. There are two jobs that are really weighing in on my heart that I came across through our church's website, and I have just been praying that one of these is what God has instored for Jason and I.