I love my Brother...

Something that I don't express enough, but it's kinda hard to do so. That last few days I've been home have been fun. Laughing, joking around, and the many games we played at Melanie's, with and without Ella and Beverly. This morning, after a long night of family, friends, gifts and Wii, Paul comes into my room. "Merry Christmas," and hands me one of the Post Secrets Books. I was shocked, mostly because I remember him telling me how stupid they were when I said I wanted them. Honestly, that's the best gift I've ever gotten. I'm not saying that the other things that I received were horrible, they were actually great as well...Maybe it's because of who it came from...

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve...In less than 4 hours I'll be at my Grandma's laughing with the rest of the so-called Lawson Klan. This is one of the few things I look forward to each year, but with my current state, massive migraine and slight nausea, my joy and excitement for tonight has almost diminished.

Once again, I have a dream, a kinda weird and upsetting dream. Why do I always seem to dream about this particular person around this time. Well mostly when I'm home. I think it's because I can allow my mind to wonder more.

It's Ordered

Rhonda and I ventured to Huntington Beach yesterday afternoon. Selected the colors she wanted, and ordered my dress. I can't believe they are putting me in a 12...I'm not sure that's correct, since I know they measured my bust wrong...I realize that size varies on the designer and company, but a 12? Well it won't be ordered until Silence gets her measurements in, since we have essentially the same dress. But I'm glad Rhonda is happy with the colors she selected, now she just has to match the groomsmen, ushers, and fathers to the party. She's having a hard time putting someone in the purple. Paul has already shown his great joy on that subject.

So I've lucked out two days in a row for Jury Duty. I haven't served since 2004, and it looks as if I won't have to go this time. But time will tell...

My mind wonders quite a bit. Many of you have experienced my "ADD" at least once during a conversation, but is it a bad thing? In church yes. I find myself often asking God just to help me focus, and not wonder on what I have to do or on things that shouldn't be in my head at that moment anyway. Yet I still allow myself to drift off. Don't get me wrong, I love worship, and Pastor is a good Preacher, but my mind is never at a relaxed state. Yet during my printing, I'm focused. Making sure everything is exact: Inking up plates/stones exactly the same way every time, along with other steps, so that each image is exactly the same(an edition). Usually I don't converse with others, and my mind doesn't wonder on to other things.

I'm still searching for another member of my committee. Since Bruce is no longer teaching my classes for Dave, we got a replacement. Her name is Bridgette, and she did a lot of Screen prints according to Dave...I just hope she'll be able to help me grow in the direction I need. But since she lives in Phoenix the rest of the time, she wouldn't be a good canadite for me since I need to schedule meetings. I really would like my Figure Drawing Instructor, but I know that will cause butting of heads between him and Dave...Why does this seem harder than actually developing my show?

Who knew I could do it to myself?

I've had my fair share of bumps, bruises, cuts and scars, but who knew that I could give myself a black eye. No, I didn't just punch myself, and I didn't do this on purpose. But boy does it hurt. I think I've only had one black eye in my life, and that was given by my brother Sam back in 2000. You can barley tell, minus the cut, that I even have a black eye, so I'm not worried.

Every time I plan and travel home, my excitement grows and grows. Like a flower, blooming with joy and life. What usually happens is that I have a conflict, or some how get upset and angry to the point that I want to leave...But now I grow excited to be done with my Bachelor's, in hopes of having more opportunities to see my family. I realize that's somewhat fairy tale like, but I'm not sure I want to plant my roots back in Long Beach; or California at that. Yes, next semester I will only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so more time in the studio of course, but more time to spend away as well.

With the realization of Rhonda and Brian's wedding only being in 14 weeks, I'm starting to feel not ready. I haven't seen the dress physically, thus I haven't even tried it on. Plus I had high hopes for my "girlish figure" prior to my fitting/purchase of this so called garment. I'm not calling myself fat, and I don't have low self-esteem issue when it comes to my weight. Yeah yeah, I was 145 my senior year, but I was running, lifting(not very much), and competing, so I was pretty lean in my days of old. Yes, I've gained a few pounds, quite a few, but I'm still beautiful, and that will never change. But I can change my physical health, which would help those extras to go away...but in due time.

Last night was church's Christmas Choir Special. I've never seen the parking lot that full before, but then again I'm only at Church when I'm back in the hood. It was a great performance, the music was awesome, and they sang one of my favorite songs, "Isn't He." David Justice need to bring it down an octave though...

Well I'm off to start my day, though Windex kinda started it for me...

One HUNDRED!

This is my hundredth post on my blog...only took six months.

Well I leave tomorrow afternoon, and I know I've been saying this for the past couple of posts. But I haven't been in California since September, and have missed out on Thanksgiving, paintball, and church. Yes, I know I could easily solve that last one, but I've been lazy when it comes to God. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do while I'm home, except spend it with family and the few friends I still have back there. Growing up is weird...

So I finished my jewelry pieces, but my buckle is missing key components. So for now it's just a trophy. But my casted ring came out without any signs of air bubbles or holes, but is now stuck on my right hand. I fits decent on my left, but let's just say I'm saving that side for a special gift from a boy...so I wanted to see if it would fit on my right, without having to sand it down more...so I did it while washing my hands, and boy does it fit! It fits so good, that I can't get it off...I highly doubt my pip joint had 1 hour to grow and extra half millimeter. So I have a nice new edition to my hand, and can't do anything about it. Except enjoy it...

Why is it so hard to find gifts for my brothers? I'm not just talking about my two biological ones, but my in-laws. I pretty much got all the girls down, just need a few items, and a mat cutter, but I'll be good. But boys...they're hard. I kinda know what they like, at least Paul, Sam, and Charlie. And my nephews are cake! Cars, Spiderman, and Star Wars...how hard is that!. But the older ones...Even my Uncles, or pretty much the men of the family...What to do?

I know Christmas isn't about the presents, I really don't need anything, or even want anything, but I love sharing with others. Showing them how much I care, and giving something I worked so hard for...I love Christmas for the family I have. The love we share and show to one another, no matter how critical we are in the presents of others(or so I'm told). We share our faith with those around us, even complete strangers that have been invited so kindly by my Grandma, welcomed by everyone to the family....and Luke 2...

I'm kinda snowed in, well I'm stranded, unless I walk. The snow is up to my knees, and so soft and light. I just hope it clears up a bit, and roads are better when I make my trip.

Which has been on my mind, well a lot of things/people have been on my mind lately. It's still kinda up in the air in how I make my travel, which I'm almost debating on driving my truck back. Checked the fluids this morning, did a once over on everything else, and think that it wouldn't be a bad idea, but still nervous about it. The Rental isn't completely out of the picture, just if-ie right now. I still have two back-ups, and that's not even counting Melanie. I'm trying really hard to just let Him handle it, but it's hard when you're just having a rough day.

I feel kinda twisted right now, but being unraveled. Like a string from a piece of clothing. Being singled out and removed from the security of the whole. I thought I choose correctly, but did I? I have to remind myself that this is not entirely in my hands. God has allowed me to move this away, even if it was away from someone I really did love. But did they love me back? Did I really make them happy, cause I know they did when it came to me. It's been awhile, I'm not even sure, since I've even said hello to them, why? Why did I try to work so hard, when it feel like I haven't really done so? I'm happy, don't get me wrong. And I have a long way to go, and people to meet...I just want them to be happy too...

Make sure it's the right pitch, and don't waste your swing...

Only a few more days...

and I think I'm getting sick. Jason has been battling something for the past week, and of course I've been in contact. But I doubt I have the same thing he does. I think I just have a really bad migraine, which is leading to my stomach aches.

Only two more hours then it's off to my first final. But it's not really a final, more of a here's my stuff, tell me what you think. I hate 100 level art classes for this reason. The Crits are not what they should be, especially when the Teacher doesn't encourage people to speak. I feel like I get close to nothing out of it. At least tomorrow I just have work.

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas...

One of my favorite Christmas carols, mostly cause it reminds me of family and closeness. But why am I thinking of that song, while sitting alone at home...Today we got our first snow! It's not much, but enough to be excited about.

I love that snow! I often claim it's one of the reasons I moved to this little lumber town. How it's dances downward, while a few catch a drift, as if trying to head back up to the sky. So light and fragile, melting as the touch my window. I just wished it was more...Windex practically swims through it, but enjoys every moment of it. But atlas, the sun is trying to poke itself through the clouds...

So I haven't been home, seriously. I think last night was the first night I spent in my own bed, even without Jason. Just me and the dog, who is now sleeping again in a dog bed that bearly can contain her. It felt good, I slept really well. I've been staying with Jason mostly because he and I hang out so late. I'm not neglecting Windex, she comes with just about every time. But I finally said I was staying here, and it actually worked. I also had time yesterday to clean my sheets, it had been two weeks, though only the dogs had been using them. I like my bed a lot, and just knock out on it...

Last night was the last of the Fall Senior Shows, which one side of the room was better than the other, minus Ed's placement of his spectacular forged bracelets and rings. But I love going to these things and bumping, literally, into old faces. Craig, who graduated with a degree in ceramic in SP05, was there for Larry Phan's show, which really resembled someone's from a few years back, Eric Camino. Anyway, Craig is a hoot, yes I said hoot. He's my Dad's age, and a big flirt. I informed him of my change in emphasis, since I lack aesthetics when it came to my pots. "I disagree, I think you had very good aesthetics." But regardless, I had no support from the Faculty. He asked what was in stored for me after my BFA. "Grad school, I would love to go somewhere in Oregon, but where ever will give me a paid internship, that's where I'm going." He starting going on and on about UNM, and how things are kinda messed up there, but you doing your own thing. "You just work, that's all you can do." I only knew Craig for a semester tops! But he has inspired me so much when it comes to my artistic abilities.

Which leads me to my show. I have a year, to be completely finished with it. Which also means I need to start talking to my committee. So far I only have two people, TWO! I need at least three. So I need to start putting Ideas together, and running them by them and others...

Well I'll be home in a week...just a week. I'll leave next Thursday, 2pm, and be in Long Beach no later than 10pm. I'm so excited, that I'll start packing tomorrow! Here's the low down. I'm renting a car for a single day, driving it from Flagstaff to the LBC, and dropping it off just within 24 hours of picking it up.

So I've been missing quite a bit. I haven't written here in a while. A long while...But I'm not sure what to write now...VOTE HUCK!

Bling Bling...

So I finally started on my casted ring, which is the only piece my teacher let me cast, LAME! Anyway, it's so cool, and makes me more and more excited about next semester, since I'm taking that class. But I'm also happy with how my Belt Buckle is coming out, though it's quite big, and my pendent...Just wished I had more silver to do things with.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm getting home in two weeks. I'm kinda ifie on driving my truck, and I've been given two offers, one of which has fallen through. I don't know what to do...as of right now.

All I do know is that I miss my family. More than I ever have before, so what does that say about when I go off somewhere else for Grad school?

What's up with my dreams!?! I keep having ones that involve people, people that I've kinda put a hold on. They wouldn't bug me so much, except that they make me miss this person so much, or at least the things we did together. I loved their company, humor, and laugh...among other things. But dream is a dream, rarely are they acted upon...

Make it STOP!

I woke up with a migraine once again. It's been awhile since that has happened, but boy does it hurt. I can't focus really well, and the only thing I think would make it stop is if I cut my head off. I know that is a bit drastic, but rarely do I complain of injuries.

Speaking of injuries...Many of you know of my chronic knee issues. I have a lateral pataller tracking disorder in both knees. What does that mean? It means that the muscles that are suppose to help my knee cap glide across the indentation of my femur when in motion are weak and allow it to get off track. It actually causes me to dislocate in a sense. I've never had a complete dislocation, which I am in risk of doing and would need surgery to correct it. But there is also a surgery to actually keep my petalla in place...but is it worth it.

Well yesterday, as I was using the restroom, it happened. I leaned down to flush, and POP! I slammed into both sides of the stall, in an attempt to catch myself, and was somewhat successful. I've haven't had a mishap in awhile, probably not since July. I've had close calls, but caught myself before anything could happen. But this time was different. I think since I tried to catch myself, my quads went into flexion which may have pulled my petalla tight against the femur as it was in transition. Cause it has never hurt this bad before. Usually I can walk just fine after a few seconds of the insident, but not this time. Even today I'm having a hard time with even putting weight on it to walk up the stairs or to end push a door open.

I'm suppose to be doing exercises, but I hate being on the floor for hours trying to work up a burn. My last doctor told me that the best exercise is to ride a bike, plan and simple...but I don't have one anymore...I just need to exercise period. Or just get the surgery to get it fixed...

So the weekend is almost over, which also means that school is almost over as well.

I should be getting my prints done this week, at least by Sunday. Then it's just sit back and wait the world go by...

I've been cleaning the house once again, which I allowed our hand held vacuum over heat while doing the stairs...So I'm playing the waiting game. Still have have the stairs to do. I wish some times that I had a digital camera to show how dirty they are, and how much I'm in need of upgraded products. At least I'm getting a new vacuum, thanks to Jason. I found an awesome deal on the new Bissell pet hair eraser, which he can match the price at Sears and then put his employee 10% to make it even cheaper than I found. It's not a lot, but it's better than paying the original price for it. Now I just need a steamer for cleaning the carpet...that's just another 200 bucks...but an investment.

With school coming to an end, I'm excited and nervous for next semester. Dave will be on sabbatical, so Bruce Horn, the old Print Shop teacher before Dave, will be teaching two of my classes, including one of my concept classes. The thing about that class is that it's suppose to be where I'm preparing for my show, which is next Fall...I know I'm ready, but am I ready for Bruce's by the book crits? I have to figure out what I plan on getting done next semester, and make a little contract...wow!

Jason brought up a good point today. He used to go to church every Sunday, and a hike afterwards, but hasn't since he and I started hanging out more. Minus that one day in PHX. So tonight we are going to try to go to evening service somewhere, which I think I shouldn't be the one to choose, since I get discouraged and change course when on approach.

Baby it's cold outside...

It's cold, but I get cold when it's less than 70 degrees, even in Long Beach. But tomorrow it's suppose to be FREEZING!

I went to Phoenix with Jason for Thanksgiving yesterday, which it was ok. I missed being home and getting to ride Bo's pocket bike, but I guess there will be other times. But I did make pumpkin pie.

I can't wait to go home. I need the break, but will it be the break I need? I should get home on the 14th, possibly going to a graduation that mid morning, and then enjoying the rest of the break with family and friends. I do have some plans, but they certainly won't be enjoyable. Jury Duty on the 17th, hopefully for one day. Then back up to Flag for traffic school on the 29th, maybe stay for the Pine cone drop, then don't have nothing to do until the 12th of January...Why does school start the week of my birthday?

So does that answer any questions you have?

Now I have a twist...After doing my budget, I've come to a realization that I can't afford to go home for Thanksgiving...SUCKS! With the cost of Utilities, mainly because I'm not repaid until almost two weeks after the due dates, my upcoming semester costs, and the fact that I still have a lot to do by the 6th of December, it's better that I stay and save my money. I also have to make arrangements for me to travel on the 13th, just in time for Greg Ebel's graduation, and then back to Flag at the end of the month. This hasn't been a great semester, but it's almost over, and I'm almost done with school completely!

At least next semester I have classes only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Longer weekends and more time chances to go home. Yes, there are less holidays in the Spring Semester, but I have a lot going on personally.

Well I have to go to class...I miss you all! I'll update maybe tonight.

Already Booked...

As the semester winds down, my stress level seems to elevate. I have two weeks, just two weeks of printing left, and only three for Jewelry. My online class I have completely neglected and will have to retake it at some point, unless I get a D. But that's not what's stressing me out now.

I had court today, for my traffic accident in which I was put at fault. Jason made it seem like I was going to go before a Judge, so I put on my slacks, nice button up blouse, and heels, just to get told to call a number and register for traffic school. It took all of 20 minutes, mostly because when we got there all the windows were closed. So either I paid the $108 citation or I went to driving school for $128. I picked to school cause it will keep the accident off my record, but I have to come back up to Flagstaff on the 29th of December for a five hour class. I guess isn't too bad, cause I have a place to stay, and I could stay until after New Years and see the Pine cone drop downtown...but it's gonna be a hassle, especially if my truck still isn't fixed.

Last weekend I spent my time in Tucson, avoiding a situation, and missing on excitement and fun with those I hold close. I was suppose to go home, but with the lack of suitable wheels I stayed. But I had a great time down south. Met a man passing off ink jets as fine art prints, and trying to call himself a printmaker. He made me mad at the lack of knowledge the world has on Printmaking. I'm very proud of my field of choice, but ignorance is causing it to become extincted. He does these kinda cool images, but to me he could expand and use different techniques. He strictly uses photo emulsion or paints directly on the screen to produce his "Serigraphs." I asked him as to why he choose screen printing over other types, ie relief, which he can get the same exact FLATNESS he's getting now, and produce something more exciting. "Well I like the crisp lines that you can get with a serigraph." A Serigraph is the image you get, Serigraphy is the correct word to use. Also, if he was a true printmaker, he would have editions, not multiple images with the same title...He made me so mad after I left, and I continue to allow it to bug me. Now Jason is incorporating him into his Film for his major, though he's not a "printmaker." Which reminds me, I have to write questions for Jason to ask him...hm...

But I got to network a bit, and actually might get to show my stuff down there...But first I have to get my slides done for UND.

Keith Anderson said it best

He sang a song dear to my heart, mostly because of the words. Every Time I Hear Your Name, is currently playing in my head and heart. I'm doing my best to do what's best for me, and I hope they are doing the same, mostly because my priorities have changed. My pursuit of a Master's has led me to the reasoning that, though I care deeply for this person, I honestly don't know where I'll be once I graduate. I might end up on the East Coast in Pennsylvania, or even up in the mountains of North Dakota. I'm gonna be were ever I get a paid internship, at least pay for school.

But I'm at lunch, enjoying the laughter of my friends and co-workers, and I hear one name and immediately going into "oh really" mood. So I'm at a stand still, kinda.

My little brother called me today, so I guess he's not completely MIA. "You said you were coming home the 8th, I'm guessing you didn't make it." I really wished I was home right now, but I have so much going on, it's better that I'm here...hopefully.

So it's been a long time since I last blogged...ok not even a week, but it still seems like forever and a day.

I'm pretty stressed out with school. Only four weeks left, after this week of course, but it means even less time for Printmaking. Reading week is when we do clean up, so the Thursday before finals equals no more printing...So where does that put me. Well for Litho, I'm suppose to have a minimum of 8 editions for the whole semester, I have three finished, two I'm printing up today, and one still in the sketching stages. In Intaglio, I have three finished, one plate ready to print, one in the etching process, yet need one more and have no ideas on what to do with it.

Along with that I have my jewelry. I barely started my buckle on Monday, and still have rings to do by Wednesday, and another piece using rivets. I plan on going in on Saturday to get my buckle completed, and another stone etched.

I'm entering a juried show at North Dakota University on the 23rd. I've never done one of these before, so wish me luck...only 15 people get chosen off of the five prints they submit.

Wow be patient. I didn't get back into Flagstaff until after midnight last night...attempted to go to the state fair yesterday, but ended up just going to church.

Have you ever seen a sticker or symbol on a vehicle and wondered it's meaning? I have, actually recently. Driving around in Flagstaff, you often find yourself staring at the back of numerous gas guzzling machines, finding some type of emotion when reading those stickers. There was one this week at puzzled me quite a bit. I was three representational figures, two being identical...one of this things is not like the other...So I decide that it's probably for yoga or some hippie thing, and ignored it...until yesterday.

I went down to Phoenix with Jason, which last week we both said that if we go down we'll have to go to church, no excuses. Mostly cause we were gonna hang out with his buddy, Jeremy, and go to his church. So I rush to get ready for church Sunday, cause the clocks in the houses are all wrong, and I had my cell phone off. We finally leave, and as we go, Jason is explaining that half of Phoenix goes to this church...Great it's a Mega Church. No intimacy and highly impersonal. But as we are about to turn in to the parking lot, I notice those three little figures on the sign...Christ's Church of the Valley. "That's what they mean, those stupid little people."

We walk on to the campus, it's huge! Almost didn't find the worship building, and didn't find his buddy Jeremy. So we go find a seat, and as we walk into the worship hall we are handed bulletins, just like at any other church I've been to, but this one struck me as odd...Yes this is the so called bulletin for there regular service, which, not only stated inside this document, but above every door as you enter...All services are rated PG-13. So we go sit down, and notice that the stage is set up as if some big name performer was coming out to sing praise songs. We sit there, trying our best to give it a chance, and find out that his buddy is in a different service, the Alternative Service.

It starts, and the first thing that pops into my head is, State Youth Conference, and watching the Supertones preform. So we stand there, both not singing, and trying hard to understand what's going on. So, the Pastor starts making the announcements: Operation Christmas Child, Missionaries coming to talk about their experiences, the Alternative Service going over Revelation, and the of course their study on Perfect Sex. As he's talking, the offertory is being done, which I get an offering bag thing shoved in my face by one of the members. But Jeremy comes and saves the day. We go to the other service, which they are discussing Samson, since their study is on Heroes of the Bible.
He actually showed a clip from the TV series, which at that moment, I forgot I was at Church. It was odd, some of the things he said I disagreed on, but it's wasn't too bad. Would I got back? No, and Jason said the same. "It's too big," as we try to escape the congested parking lot. "we need to find a place in Flag that's not crazy like this."

So I went, got scared, but survived...

UPDATE!

So I just have a stiff neck, and will for awhile, but I'm not too worried about it. My sternocleidomastoid is just stressed, and yes, I love medical terminology, a bit too much sometime, or at least I've been told.

But the lack of wheels and the need of monies to repair my truck has lead me to think that my plans for paintball and time with those special to me to be cancelled. Yes, one of the few things I've been planning for enjoyment looks as if I'm going to be enjoying the time somewhere in Arizona rather than California. I hate cancelling things, especially things like this. It feels like Portland all over again, but a bit worse.

If anyone has some suggestions, I'm listening. Cause I would really like to go home, see family, play with Monkeys, get a few bruises, and laugh with those dear to me. But I have to be able to bring Windex....

I'm ok, for the most part

I haven't posted the last few days, cause things have been really weird and sorrowful for me. I thought things were getting better, but then this hit me, and hit me hard.

The other night, Jason and I were driving back to his apartment from getting food over off of Cedar(for those of you that know Flagstaff). Thus, I wasn't too close to home, or too far, but after what happened I wished I was somewhere else. I stopped at a stop sign at the intersection of Dortha and West, checked the intersection, proceeded to make my left turn..."He's not stopping" is all Jason remembers before this Honda Accord hit my driver's side door. He kept saying it was his birthday, which made me think he had been drinking. There is WAY more damage to my truck than his little plastic car. I will most likely be at fault, since he didn't have a stop sign, but he obviously was going too fast, if there is that much damage.

I have a doctor's appointment this morning, but all that is currently hurting is my neck, and it's only on the right hand side. My left shoulder did hurt up until today, and my right side of my lower back, so I'm still gonna have them checked out.

I'm still waiting on information about who's at fault, cause I really want to get my truck fixed no matter what. Even if it means leaving it in Phoenix for a week, cause it's not something I should drive 8 hours in to California. It does drive, at least that's good...

"I can't do this!"

So I attempted to go to Evening Service tonight...Yes, only attempted, but made two good efforts. I know this is a big cop out, and I mean big, but I pulled into the parking lot, about 30minutes before hand and there were only 5 cars...FIVE! "I know Baptist are late, but this is crazy!" I comment to Jason a we leave in hope of a 15 minute road trip towards snow bowl and back would give us more time for people to show...NOPE! Actually, upon our return, a car had left. I understand Flagstaff is considered small in comparison to my place of birth, so small congregations are expected, but not that small. I do realize that less people go to service in the evening, since they got enough God time in the morning, which I disagree with completely. But Evening Worship is, in most cases, more relaxed and casual than Morning. And yes Melanie, I got your text, and did go, but not successfully.

Homecoming was this weekend, and I was actually regretting it. Mostly because I had a long Friday, and was hoping for big things on Saturday. Saw people I haven't seen in about two years, held a new life(which made me miss home), and wear my beard once again. I still have to find one for Halloween, come on, I can be a pretty good looking Dude Lebowski.

I'm looking forward to this week going by, cause then I'll only be a week away from being home...SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

So I've been in an angry mood since yesterday. I was so pissed off that I couldn't even sleep, and it keeps piling on. It takes a lot to truly anger me, cause me to actually be somewhat rude, at least now a days. I spent 8 hours in the print shop last night, from 2:30 to 10pm. Went home, called a friend, decided to take a shower, dress like a lady (heels included) and hit the town. And of course check the email...Got told that I was planning on being in the office early this morning...too bad I really wanted to sleep in.

But my so called friend decide to be lame, and not get ready, so I just left. Went to Uptown with another friend(who happens to be the roommate), enjoyed picking on John and talking to Nancy, and then got some food and went back to their apartment. I can usually fall right to sleep, but knowing how pissed I was, I couldn't. But I could have easily walked 10 feet and talked to him about it. Even when he came into the living room, he wanted to talk, but I was being too stubborn.

I woke up pissed, went home, chilled a bit, and went to work...More crap! And my day isn't over yet. I'm trying really hard to relax and just let go...please pray that I do.

I guess I'm at that age...

So I get pretty bored at work, especially when there is no one around, including my bosses. So I get online, look at Facebook and Myspace, and sometimes find some interesting people or those I haven't seen in years. This time, I started looking at my inbox, and deleting some cause I obviously don't talk to some of these people anymore, and there is no point in keeping emails from them, but some I still wish I had a friendship with. So I check on them, one being my buddy David from Junior English. He cracked me UP!

So I look at his pictures, cause to me that shows what they've been doing with their lives...and I come across a picture of someone I've known since kindergarten. STEVE!!! He was funny too, and I've have great memories of him from elementary school when he got kick in the face during kickback, yes Kickback. Or when we had Freshmen English and he asked if my Mom still drove a bus, which it wasn't a bus, it was a 15 passenger van. Anyway, the caption of the pic said that he got married! Holy Crap! The kid drove a beautiful blue mustang, in which I got to ride in a few times, and he was (still is) cute as heck. I never talked to him, cause he always had a girlfriend, or at least the same one. I thought I saw him this Summer as I was driving to Noelle's one day, but thought it would be a bit odd to yell his name out the window when I haven't seen him since 2004. But I'm really happy for him. And the funny thing is he married a girl I did cross country with, Loran. I'm glad they found each other...

I'll be 24 in January, almost a quarter of a century, but not quite. But I guess it's that age in which people find love. It' makes sense, most people have their undergrad done, and looking to change the world or make money off of it. So companionship is desired even more, thus rings are exchanged, knots tied, and creating new life with the help of God. I often wonder, if I had stayed in California, how my life would be? I feel a bit behind, and always have since fourth grade when I got sick. But what if I had stayed, went to Cal State Long Beach, got my degree in Athletic Training, would I be happy? Or find that one? It seems that a lot of people I have grown up with stayed close to home, and now have new families. I know God brought me to Arizona for a reason, and He's gonna take me somewhere else very soon...it's in His great plan for me. I've met pretty amazing people, and some that just suck. But the good out weighs the bad.

I'm just curious sometimes, and I know Paul that I should just focus on school, which I am. I'm on track in all my classes, well except Jewelry cause I'm lost on what to do next, but really debating on doing a belt buckle of copper or a simple band. Anyway, I guess I'm just concerned for the future, cause I'm coming quick to that fork in the road, and know where to turn, yet worried for pleasant distractions. I know that the distraction is something I want, but not sure I want it during that current path change. But it's in God's hands, and I guess theirs too, whoever they are.

One and two and three....

Why do I feel so fat? I mean, I like my body, I really do, but I do realize that their is better. I'm not trying to say I need to loose 50 lbs, or change my diet completely. I like food a bit too much and find myself enjoying the greasier side of it. But I feel run down, out of energy, and weak. And for those of you that have been in my presence for quite some time, know that I hate being considered weak.

I have a very strong will and along with that I'm pretty stubborn, so I've been told. But physically I've been strong, I did pole vault in high school, but that was also many moons ago. I don't want to be a typical person and state that I wish I was the same weight as I was then. The only thing I wish about High School is that I was the same bust size instead of the size I am now. Only cause that's what people seem to pay attention to.

Anyway, I can remember when all I did was work out, at least 5 days a week with my coaches. I need to get back into that. For a moment I thought of registering for the International City 5k, which is in Long Beach during Veteran's Weekend, in which I would be home. But at last, I have done nothing, not even run a mile, and if I was to even try, I know that I would feel worse than I did after doing that half marathon in 2001.

So starting today, for real, I'm getting back on my abs and push-ups routine, and after Friday, I'm gonna start going to the gym early in the morning to do cardio and lifting. I'm kinda hoping to tone up for the wedding in March, cause my legs could use some work. But I'm really hoping to be more energized and healthy.

I've been feeling a bit lonely, or at least I felt that way last week. I got a bit of attention the other day, which helped, even though it was just for a moment, but I wouldn't trade it. I've been missing my Grandpa as well. I'm getting better about knowing he's not really gone, and that I'll see him soon, but it still hurts a bit. That man always made me feel important, and I never felt like I was a screw up, at least not to him and my Grandma. I know they saw my faults, but saw the more important things within me, and my success before I even got a glimpse of it. He was pretty amazing to be around, and just lit up a room with his presence. "this little light of mine" just popped into my head after writing that. He was a light for God, and it always shined and was so bright that everyone saw it.

I can't wait for this weekend. Homecoming is Saturday, which will only be enjoyed once the Slightly Stoopid Concert is over on Friday, but still will be enjoyed. BUT! Sunday, Jason and I might venture to University of New Mexico, Albuquerque to see Dethklok. Who's Dethklok? They are a fictional band, on Metalocalypse, a show featured on Adult Swim. They are playing for free at UNM, and it's only six hours and not on a school day. I know it's stupid, but Jason and I both have been wanting to get out of Flagstaff and do something exciting. Yes, bowling is exciting, especially when I fall while doing it, only once, but there is more to explore and experience. Let's hope that we don't get out there for nothing...

I'm Freakin' Out MAN!

So I decide to ditch school completely today, even though after awhile, I realized that I missed more than a demo, which Dave didn't do cause no one has a plate ready. But I needed the break, and the attention I got. After last week, that was a great way to end it, and start this one.

So the Pink Floyd Laser Show was crazy! I mean, I wasn't trippin' on drugs, but still was kinda freakin' out. But I did enjoy myself, even more when wearing the biker beard Jason got me at Spencer's. The beard, I can't describe it more than AMAZING. Even my boss had fun with it, or at least making fun of me for wearing it. I wanted it cause Jason and I were planning on going to a beard party, didn't happen, but did go downtown with it. Janice said I looked like Santa Clause, and Jen said I looked creepy like dear Zach G. But I have to find another one if I'm gonna be "the Dude'' for Halloween. Even if I have to glue it to my face.

I love driving, and wish I could afford to drive more than I already do. I mean the windy road of the I-17 made me think of how many people just pass beautiful things, yet never take the time to really look. Made me think about my show...I know "arizona highways." But it's so cool, to see how much the scenery changes coming from Tucson all the way back to Flagstaff. It's lame that I'm actually thinking of doing Landscapes, but I'm being drawn to it very much. Or at least at this moment.

My pursuit of higher education came up again today, which I've never felt so clear about any school related thing since changing to Printmaking. Yes, it's more time and money, but to me it's worth it. Finish here at NAU, travel somewhere else and get my MFA, and find a job teaching on a collegiate level. Even when I was a Athletic Training major, I wanted to work with college athletes. And just a few years ago, I was offered a position at Cerritos if I obtained my MFA in Ceramics from Portigal, and I was willing to do that to have a job on that level. But with both of those, I wasn't as passionate about them as I am with Printmaking. Like Dave says "it's like retirement, but even better." I'm gonna start researching soon, cause I'll need to apply over the Summer and the start of next Fall. I'm more confident of my selections at this moment, but will see in the long run where God puts me.

I got my edition done, or at least eleven of the fifty I'm gonna try to do. It's gonna be a lot of paper and time, but worth the sweat. I really could go for a deep tissue message right about now.

I'm excited for my next zinc plate. It's viscosity, which I think I'll like a lot better than the multiple plates and such. All though the reversal one was pretty sweet. With Viscosity, you use one plate, but have three layers of areas, and use three different rollers and inks. I'm using half a zinc plate, which is 12 x 9 at least. That's the biggest I've ever done in terms of Intaglio.

For litho, once I grain my stone out, I'm gonna start doing xerox transfer, which means I get to use photography in a sense. I'm VERY excited for that, cause I'm hoping it leads me to use it along with Serigraphy in my show. I think I'm going to really incorporate my life, ie Family and Friends, in my show. But that's still up in the air, at least for a few more months. But I want something I will be very passionate about, and the things I hold close are my Family/Friends and Faith...The three F's. I kinda like that, but I have to experiment first. So I might be asking for photos from ya'll.

It feels weird not to work tonight, but I'm glad for the break. But yet, I'm lost on how to spend my evening. Hopefully bowling, or some Buster Bowls are in order. HAHAHA Bowling makes me think of my costume for All Hallows Eve! See if you can guess...it's gonna be amazing!

I should be napping.

But I have too many thoughts running though my head.

I was walking through campus today, and noticed a few Pro-life activists with their 65 x 50'' plywood boards, showing the outcomes of an abortion, even when it's the first trimester. I simply nodded or smiled at them as I passed, and was grateful for the way they are displaying these issues. No yelling "dead or murder," or other plain rude things to passer bys, just silent, giving information to those who asked. But as I walked past the bookstore, I began to think, I support them because of my beliefs, are they Christians as well? I would like to say yes, but with the changes of society throughout my upbringing, I can't make such accusations. Life begins when two people decide to have sex, in my opinion, not necessarily when they do the deed. They made the choice to have unprotected sex, whether or not with the intent of conceiving a new life. But are these people just supportive of my thoughts because they see it as a life, not because of Faith? This is when I wish I was stronger about speaking up.

I'm almost finished with my bracelet, but within the 20 minutes it took me to get home I've lost my stone. I really feel stupid for losing it, especially since it's due...let's hope it's in my truck, and not in the stomach of one of the dogs. But I'll soon post images of my jewelry and prints. Be warned, some are a bit "tasteful."

Uptade:315pm- Crazy Dream, just wished it was real.

Please pray for me, I'm doing 50 hours this week. And tonight and Saturday are gonna be the worst! Work, then class til 2pm, meeting at 3pm, class until crit is over, then up to proch to do security and load out. So I won't get home until after midnight...with no naps in between...Kinda hoping I find someone to take my place tonight, cause I have to finish my 21 x 15 edition for tomorrow...

I miss you! Even if I don't know you yet.

Lower your expectations of earth. This isn't heaven, so don't expect it to be. - Max Lucado

I've stated before how I have passages sent to my email everyday, but lately I haven't been taking the time to actually read and study them. Today's was Psalm 4, which talks about putting trust in the Lord, which made me think. I do trust the Lord and know that He will always keep me safe, but yet I don't ignore those lies and worthless things on this earth. I know it's my flesh that desires these empty things, though my spirit strives for more enriching rewards.

I'm so grateful right now, at least for the fact that I have unlimited texts on my plan. I currently, though my bill period doesn't end until November 1st, have sent and received 327 messages. That's 127 more of what I normal use, until I met Melanie and a few other people. It's crazy, cause I have almost 2000 roll over minutes, yet I don't even try to call people. I'm kinda shocked right now...

Once again, I didn't attend church, though Jason and I drove into the parking lot of First Southern Flagstaff at 5pm yesterday to see when service started. But I think that since we just ate, and went back to his apartment, I allowed myself to just fall asleep. Why am I so weak? I know that I have to be submissive to Him, but I'm still being the stubborn mule...hahaha RHOADES MULE BARN! Sorry something I remember from when I was little, I'll get back on track. He has time for me, but yet I am leaning more toward the "I don't." I did read today, which is wonderful, but I didn't study really hard on it. I need to find something to hook me, like the Book of Daniel did...

I'm feeling more and more home sick...well kinda. I don't think I can categorize it as being that, but I do miss people away from this little city. I need to get away, and I thought that maybe these two weekends would be the vacations I need, but last weekend crashed and burned, and this one is still on the fence...weaving to and fro.

It's not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness. - Charles Spurgeon

Who knew that Hockey would be that much excitement? Last night NAU's Ice Jacks played ASU, and won 6 - 4. My heart started pumping as soon as I got up against the glass. My hands are still hurting from pounding against it. Made me think of when my brothers and I played street hockey with those from the neighborhood. Yea, Rollerblades are a lot different than ice skates, but we still had the skills needed to kick some butt.

I haven't been this lost for words in awhile. Probably cause I sit in my empty room, with Windex falling asleep on my bed, pondering what I would be doing back home, if I had gone...My Dad called me yesterday as I was printing to see if I had left yet, I wanted to cry. I almost regret not going, seeing my Monkeys and hugging my Mom, and all the other things that probably would have happened. But I'll try for November, and I ain't talking just Thanksgiving...

I guess I should go print my Intaglio, do my first etch on my 15x21 litho, and start my next image...since I stalled on my journal.

So last night, Janice and I decide to go get cookies to bake, and some flowers for our dearest Susie (Account Manager at work). We spent about five minutes looking at the arrangements, and decided to get her something that will continually grow. Orchids I hold very close, not as close as my beloved Plumerias, but a good second place.

They remind me someone so important and dear to me, and always will. She grew the most amazing orchids, and had the patience for their stressful needs. My Grandma has been a big influence on my life, along with my Grandpa of course. They both have taught me how to love, not just family, but everyone. They loved each other so much, it was amazing, and I hope to have that type of relationship as well with my future husband. But not only did they love each other and all of us, but before they loved us they loved God. Some of you might think that's a bit odd, especially now a days. But my Grandparents were great servants of God, and put him before everyone else, yet still had enough of that love and attention for those around to experience it.

I bought some for myself along with Susie. They are Moth Orchids, and supposedly easy to care for and great for beginners. Mine currently has eight blooms and one bud, and surprisingly no sent. I'm excited to have a plant, though only a simple bloom, but still a wonderful creation of God...like me.

Caught off guard...Big time

So I sit here at work once again, bored, listening to Fiona Apple's It's Not About Love, Mostly because of the fact that Zach is in the video, and the song grows on you. Anyway, someone great comes into my office asking me a vague favor..."here let's go into my office instead." With the changes of Union Staff, I might be taking up some new responsiblities. The first thing I thought of was that they really trust me, and that I'm honored that they even thought of me. It hasn't been finalized, at least not through my direct Supervior Tom, but the Silver Fox seems to think it's a good thing. I miss Jim...

I am a sponge...

I soak up as much informations as possible! So this gentleman from New Mexico decided to grace us with his presence, his name is Michael Hendrix...he's a white dude. But he brings beautiful stones to sell to us poor art students looking to make amazing jewelry and sculptures in precious metals...But he did so much more than just sell his hard work, he show some of us how to actually cut stones. AMAZING, and I'm so excited to do my first piece tomorrow morning! But he also shared his life stories and just ate them all up...going back tomorrow to do some more!

I really wanna!

Go home this weekend. I realize that I won't have any available weekends, until Thanksgiving or even when I come home for Winter Break and Gregg's Graduation. Plus, if I go home now, I'll get the break I've been needing this past few weeks. Yes, I have school work to do, and it all has to be finished a week from today...But it's a week. Seriously, if I finish all my images for Litho, which means finish drawing a etching my figure, and finish my a la pupae piece for Intaglio on Monday, and my bracelet on Monday as well, it should be all good, right?

I was talking to one of my great friends this week about our blogs. People saying it's too personal, and to be care about what we write on them, though there appears to be nothing foul or even worse appearing on it. It's personal, cause it's mine. It's my place to share and express myself. I like writing my thoughts, and when they are too personal, they go in my journal that no one reads. I love being able to share with those still in California, I found out recently that even my Dad reads my blog. I'm not good about talking on the phone, or even calling people. I would rather write a letter or email telling them I'm ok or even just thinking about them. Some of you have experienced this with my texts...

Pray that I make the right decision tomorrow...California or Arizona.

Just for your information...if you care to know

What a strange, yet amazing weekend. Friday was Seinfeld, which I only laughed like four times, and it was in reference to kids and a Reunion for the cast. Got to see some familiar faces, and enjoyed actually getting some time to talk to them for a moment.

Then it was The Place with Jason and Gabe, and an over whipped creamed waffle with strawberries and a touch of blueberry syrup. It was so good, and my first bit was that of the weightless delight. Back to their apartment we go, to enjoy so season one of Heroes, which I fell asleep as soon as I got horizontal on that couch of theirs. It's been hard not to go over there, even at like two in the afternoon, and not begin to drift off in to that wondrous sleep.

My weekend was pretty uneventful, minus skipping Tour de Fat and feeling like a child with fighting parents at dinner. I really should have gone to see the leaves change, but it's just leaves, and Heroes was more important. But yet I didn't think going to Church was important. I really was going to go, but spent the most of my Sunday sleeping, getting Janice's car out of jail, and watching Heroes with Jason. I thought I would go to evening service, but I didn't get home until 5pm, and did laundry, rather than grab my chewed Bible and heading somewhere. But did get into a great discussion with Jason, like always, about our struggles with our Faith. We might start going together...please pray about that.

An update on Janice's sister: She finally came home, after her Mom and Dad saw her at a house. She did try to commit suicide, was unsuccessful, but things are still a bit sketchy. Janice was really upset, and I was glad to be there to talk to her about it. Family is hard sometimes, but it gets better as I see it.

So here I sit at work, thinking about my weekend. It's only Tuesday, but my weekend may start as early as Thursday. This is a hard decision for me, since so many things factor into it.

1.) Drive 7+ to California(which puts 1000+ miles on my 20 year old truck), see family and great friends, play paintball with my brothers, go to my amazing church, and head back to Flagstaff early Monday.


2.) Stay in Arizona, finish my three editions that are due the following Wednesday and Thursday, and the stupid bracelet that is due Wednesday as well. But go to the State Fair in Phoenix, and stuff my face with delicious, unhealthy foods, and look at country boys(if there are any).

3.) Stay in Flagstaff, and just work on my pieces, and enjoy the cool weather.

Oh decisions....at least I don't have to look for a dress anymore...THANK YOU RHONDA!

Please Pray...

My roommate is having a really hard time this last two weeks. Her sister's boyfriend OD, and died, but it was a bit scetchy about his situation a bit. So her sister allegedly tried to kill herself a few days ago, yet no one seem to remember which facility they took her to, if they actually did. My roommate spent her day calling all the emergency rooms in Kingman and surrounding areas, and no luck. Someone made a comment that she's ok, she's with Isaac now, which is Mr. OD. So my roommate is worried, and the only person she really wanted to talk to yesterday wouldn't call her back, which just adds to her stress. So please pray for her. This is my roommate that I've been trying to go to church with her since last semester, but we find excuses. Maybe this Sunday we'll actually go...No we'll go.

Comform!

So, I'm a Candle Lighter, as I've stated before, for my sister, Rhonda's Wedding in March. So I haven't been looking for dresses, kinda really like the one the picked for the Maids, but I'm wearing a completely different color (pastel pink) than the whole bridal party. My "responsibilities" are shared with one other person, who is having a hard time with the fact that we are to look like we belong in the wedding, yet not to be confused with one of the BRIDE's maids. It's not my Wedding, so I can't really say yes or no to her ideas for us, but to me, they just sound wrong. At least she and myself should like a like, at least when it comes to the dress. But she's kinda determined on being separate. "your's being floor length, and mind shorter." RAYLENE doesn't do Floor length! and probably only will on her wedding day. Also, a floor length dress is not something to be worn for a March Wedding that involves a Bounce House. I would rather just have the same as the Maids, and it be done, and be something I know my sister agrees on. But she has to tell me and this other person what she wants. I really like the dress! To the point that I would want to wear it again, even to a fancy dinner or date. Hey I just would look amazing in it as I bounce in the bounce house...Just saying.

I deserve the Nun's slap with a ruler...

But I'm not Catholic. Yet, I do feel guilty, thanks to Melanie. I'm not blaming her for my guilt, cause I'm the one that's not holding myself accountable. I seem to be making excuses. Yes, my new found reading was tragically eaten by my roommates clumsy Rottweiler, but I have access to the Internet, which allows me to read from my version and 50 others. So what did I do once I got to work today? Logged on, check emails, myspace, Facebook, and then read Revelation 12 and 21. Why 12 and 21? Mostly cause I read Mel's bulletin wrong, but both passages are very strong, and somewhat rewarding.

I love history, and I think that's why I was actually(at one point), seeking a degree in Theology. Maybe I'll go back and get it...from Liberty of course. But after reading those two chapters of Revelation, I'm eager to see the events told come to life. Like a story book wedding, that so many girls unlike me, dream of. I often wonder if I will be present during the unravellings that lead to the second coming. It's like a long awaited performance, and I can't help but get excited.

I've been doing fairly well with school and work. My hours are still minimal, but I'm not starving and penniless. My Jewelry class is cake, at least right now. My bangel is almost done, and I only worked on it yesterday. Yes, I took a few short cuts, ie using the metal cutter up in Printmaking to cut my silver and cooper, rather than sawing it out by hand. But I milled my own shame for around my stone, rather than just getting one from the teacher. Printmaking is still a challenge, but I'm coasting right through them. Trying my best to just learn the technique, and not spend weeks on my plates. It's hard, but has to be done!

Work is so crazy this semester! We are actually doing a Dome Show in November. Plus the two other concerts this month, and all out regular events. I'm not sure when I'll have a free weekend to come home, except Thanksgiving.

Reading? Who does that?

Yes I should be reading "Reservation Blues," which is a really nice short novel, but I started reading it at 11am today, and just fell completely asleep for four hours after finishing the first chapter. I really have to read it since my paper is due in two days, and I'm planning on printing tomorrow all day. It's my fault and no one else as to why I didn't start working on it sooner.

I'm thankful that this week is finally over. But next week is gonna be just as busy. I have another crit due Wednesday for Intaglio, but I'm not done preparing my first plate. Thank God it's a two plate job. I also have to start my bangle, but I have to use textures, and set a stone. I got a really nice Tiger Eye from my friend, but don't want to use it on my bangle. I might have to go gem shopping this weekend, after I figure out what I'm doing...

I still haven't gotten my paper situation settled. They called me back finally, but I was unavailable when they did, and didn't have time to call them until today. I really hope that I don't get forgotten. But the bigger issue, is the three to four people that still owe me at least thirty bucks each, if not more. Whatever, I'm holding the paper hostage until they do pay me. That way Dave doesn't have to get in the middle of it, and their grade isn't effected, or the lack of one.

Please pray that I can focus and get the thing set before me done, and not in a rush. I haven't been lazy, except with my online, cause it kinda doesn't exist in my head, just not focusing enough to complete them in a timely fashion. I do them, but not to their fullest!

Important Message from the Rhoades Family

Have you seen this person?
He has been missing for quite some time...

Name: Samuel

Age: 21
Race: Caucasian
Missing Since: August 2007

Also known as:
Ugly
Chump
Jerk
Snot
Sam
Manuel
Monkey
Uncle Monkey

If seen, do NOT approach, as he is very skiddish, and may run.
Do NOT corner him, he can become violent if he feels threatened.
Instead call a family member to inform us of his current location.
Or try and bribe him into your car with a trail of candy or popcorn.

We miss Samuel very much and wish he
would come home and back to church.

We just want him to know his family
misses him and loves him very much.

Thank you for reading this announcement.
We hope you will be able to help us.

15 HOT wings later...

Yes, I ate fifteen hot wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, and they were DELICIOUS Mr. Joseph Gray! Am I hurting, no, they weren't Blazin' which should be called something else in reality.

I really got annoyed today, to the point that I felt guilty for being rude to my friend. But he's been getting on my nerves, and today was the wrong day to poke fun at me. Cause when 11 other people as you the same question, even right after I answer it, it can get pretty frustrating. And when the same 11 people try to tell you that your image for another class looks amazing, it shows they no very little about what you're trying accomplish. Even when your own instructor tells you: "it's ok, it's your first one." Yes, I'm just trying to learn the technique and then decide which to master for my show and life in general, but it's hard when I don't get complete crits from my peers. It's hard to just say "thank you", smile and move on...especially when you only have three weeks to work on four plates. I really need at least 6 weeks to get even close to what I want in my imagery...Maybe I just need to work faster, and not be too precise about it, but I also don't want to just do it to get it done.

I think I just need to get away from people for awhile, especially those that act as if whatever they hear or say is the absolute TRUTH, even when told by the original horse's mouth that they are wrong! I guess I'm just sick of those that are just trying to slip by, and fit into something that they have no understand of. Don't get me wrong, I love giving information, if I know it to be true. Yes, I'm human, and have been wrong a few times, but don't constantly give out the wrong information, and love being corrected. I guess I just wish more people understood what I'm doing...

Here's some information about Printmaking. Images are always signed in pencil, never ink or other mediums, since pencil is acid free and won't hurt the paper in which it is printed on. Also, this allows the image to remain the focus, and not draw away the viewer to the title, edition number, and artist's John Hancock. And it is always listed in that order, L-R: Title (if there is one), edition number(ei 4/30), and Signature. I should post some of my images, but I feel like only a hand full are worthy of being posted...

Am I just a robot?

I swear I should be color blind, at least I can see better in the dark. I hate color! I remembering glazing my pots back at Cerritos, and I loved it cause I did simple glazes and slips, all cone 10. But I came NAU, and actually started taking real art classes...Found charcoal, pencil, and other mediums that just allow one to do a "black and white" image. So now that I'm taking a color intaglio class, and I can't get any of it right. My plates(we use zinc plates) are horrible. I'm so upset with myself. I didn't think this one through enough or just need to approach my next one in a completely different way...just pray I get it right soon.

So I love facial hair. Not burly, untamed, messes, but what ever fits your face. So when I comment to some one that they look better with the goatee they were in the process of growing, they shave it off? I wasn't trying to be rude, just saying that it improved on your current appearances. I admit that I am also guilty of not taking a complement. I look good, and yes have days where I look even more amazing, but don't like the direct attention....Any way, I love country boys with their wranglers, boot, and hats...and of course the facial hair.

I'm a MOVIE STAR!

Ok, I did most of the filming, but that's cause Jason was driving. Let's just hope that the 40 minutes of filming I did is enough for his one minute movie.

So I woke up yesterday morning exhausted, but on a mission. A mission of getting my Lithography edition done, which surprisingly, only took 3 hours to do by myself. So I printed sixteen images, and I'm hoping Tuesday to print my other edition so I can move forward in my learnings. Let's just hope that Intaglio goes as smoothly, seeing that it's due Wednesday.

Why do I travel so much? I mean, I've made two road trip this weekend, and debating on making another come Thursday. Whatever, I got INO twice, saw and awesome movie, and got lost in Northern Arizona with two of my favorite people from Flagstaff.

So what is one suppose to get for a five year old girl? Suggestions?

I only used the Newsprint...

At least they got to use the good paper. I spent over 6 hours in the studio today, and what did I get done...NOTHING! Lithography is THE hardest of all the printing techniques, and the only one I can't do apparently! I washed out my image, rolled it up, rolled it up some more, proofed it, rolled it up again, proofed....and it got dark on me. So I got to wash it out again, ink drop etch it, and have to wait until tomorrow to try to print by myself. Sorry about the terms for those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just really pissed at myself, cause it probably wouldn't have happened if I had checked the ink. I think it was too loose, and my stone got really dark too fast. Tomorrow = Stiffer

I'm so behind in my studios, it's not funny. Why did I have to have all three crits within the same week! My intaglio (which is color, and takes forever) plates I haven't even tried proofing, and my jewelry project is a long was away from being done. I just hope that I'm more focused this weekend, and able to produce some amazing things. At least I could do two litho print tomorrow, and they would be done...

I'm getting more and more homesick, mostly cause I talked to someone, and they started talking about food. Yes, I'm a fat kid, and love food a bit too much. To the point that I make it a priority to go eat at certain restaurants while I am in the LBC. I'm not just talking about INO, or little places like that, just the good ol' comfort foods that aren't out here in Arizona. Of course I have the hit my favorite place, but that's if she has time to cook for me.

For the first time in a long time, I haven't had to work a Friday night event this whole month. I feel like I've kinda wasted it, seeing how I've remained in this little wonder that so many call Flag. I need a change, not a total change, just a mini vacation (which if you guys from CALIFORNIA, would come visit, it would be a va-ca for the both of us!). Not trying to call anybody out...MELANIE(bring Ms. Insults) and NOELLE.

Any one want to write my paper for me??? PLEASE I HATE HUMANS! i mean Humanities!

WHY!

So I ordered 316 sheets of BFK Rives paper last Thursday, from a company based out of North Carolina. Here is it Wednesday, and they still haven't shipped it. I have an edition due on Tuesday, which means it has to be printed the day before so that the inks are dry. Why such a large order just for me? Only a hundred of those sheets are for my personal use, the rest belongs to eleven other people, who also have editions due next Tuesday. Well I called, and the according to the nice southern man on the line, the warehouse had it in stock, and was unsure of the reason as to why it was not shipped. So I have to wait another five days. Now I have to spend another 20 bucks to just print my edition, since the bookstore charges 3.85 a sheet, which is a ripe off, when all the paper companies in the US only charge at the most 2.90 a sheet, and give free ground when you order 100 sheets. I feel so riped off, by both companies. That's that last time I order with Art Supply Warehouse...unless they really make it up to me.

I'm not dead yet

So I finally go to the Health Center on Campus, find out that I weigh a ton (ok only 166lbs), and that my heart rate is at 97 b/m. The had me blow in to a device to check the strength of my expiration. Finally the NP comes in, very delightful lady, and gets down to it. "Let's hope it's not a blood clot, cause that is a possibility." Thanks Lady! Since last Thursday, I've been having chest pains on the left side of my sternum(breastbone), close to my heart and rib cage. They are very mild pains, that can last as long as 15 minutes, and never in the same spot. Anyway, go through some tests, she pushes on my ribs, and then finally listens to my heart and lungs. "If I could get you to lift your shirt up, I'm sure they won't see your boobies." Who says boobies on a professional level? I mean I don't even say boobies, that's like a high school or younger word. So what is her diagnoses: That the "joint" between my ribs and sternum is inflamed, so I get to take three ibuprofen three times a day. Hey at least I have a high pain tolerance, and didn't need a shot like so many others that have come in before me. She said it would take about a week or two for it to go away, and apologized for thinking the worst.

With finding out my current weight, I'm somewhat excited. Here I've been thinking about working out since school started, so that I would look good for Halloween. Since being home last I have almost dropped ten pounds, so who needs to exercise? Not me! hahaha ok I do, but not for the benefits that those around me are seeking. I'm trying my best to get motivated to compete in road races, but I've had no luck in keeping myself on the fast track to success. Any suggestions?

Still High!

Way to end my night! Amazing show! Last night was the Comedy Central Tour, and Zach Galifianakis closed with an spectacular performance. So what did I do? I first ate what was left the the vegetable plater, and then went to Uptown. Kinda bummed that I didn't get to talk to him first hand, though I easily could have. Had a few drinks, talked with two of my closed friends, enjoyed the Knockabouts playing amazing music, and then headed home...But Wait! Who do I see out of the corner of my eye, leaning against the wall with his head phone and back pack on? No it wasn't a homeless person, as both my colleges thought. IT WAS ZACH! "Hey, It's Zach Galifiankis." At first I didn't think he heard me, so we decide to just keep walking towards that car. But at last, he turns, removes his head phones and greets us. "Hey Guys, Sorry, just blasting some Stevie Wonder." I shook his hand, and immediately began to giggle like a school girl. "So Flagstaff is pretty much closed right now, right?" I informed him of his mistake and directed him to Charly's, and continued our way to the car. I'm still in Amazement, and as Gabe puts it, I'm having a girly moment. We should have gone with him, but just speaking those few sentences was just...WOW!

She's a Dancin' Machine

For the past two nights I've been at Collin's sweating my butt off to horrible music, and tonight I'm doing it again! I've had such a great time both nights, minus the creeps dancing around us last night. I'm sorry just cause you dance with your fist up in the air, doesn't mean you have the right to hit the person directly in front of you, REPEATEDLY! And just cause you're feeling like you're amazing, doesn't mean that you are. Because usually that means you're slamming into people and not apologizing for that damage. Oh well, I took the risk.

No he's not!

Some of you have seen me wear this shirt a many a times, and it's just about my favorite tee at the moment (next to my "Batman Says"). But my brother Paul tells me every time he sees me wearing it, "Optimus isn't gay!" As a kid, I loved Rainbows, seriously! I had a shirt I made with like puffy paint that was a big giant rainbow. So why now does it have to mean I'm Gay? Talking with a friend of mine Saturday, briefly about Paul's comment. "If I was Rainbow Bright, that's gay." He even listed Care Bears, which I never would think they were. Whatever, I wouldn't trade the tv shows I grew up with for anything...except a cowboy.

Corrections

Sorry for the confusion with my last post. I have no desire of quiting school, I really want to finish, and actually get my Master's. I've come too far, spent too much money (that of my own and parent's), and enjoy what I'm doing now too much to stop.

I've never considered myself a black sheep of the family. Different yes, but never an outcast. Yes, I have told my Father that I feel like I don't fit back home, but I have changed at bit, and don't feel (or at least at that moment) the desire to plant my feet back in the Long Beach soil. Now, I'm still not sure, but I wouldn't say it wasn't an option anymore. God created each and everyone of us to do something different for Him, the only thing similar is our Salvation through Christ, and devoting ourselves to His service PERIOD!

I know my family is there for me, no matter what. A few years ago, I felt so lonely, but I went to counseling, and have matured a lot. Though I maybe alone physically(which is still bending the truth), I know that I'm really not, because of them and God.

It's kinda funny how my Brother bought up the Missionary thing, cause I have thought about it, but it was a year ago, and my priorities are school right now...maybe another degree in Theology from Liberty later...But that's in His hands, and hopefully I allow myself to see which way He's pushing me.

So though I say I'm lonely, it's the kinda of lonely that wishes for physical contact, rather than that of just phone calls, texts (which thanks to Mel, I have unlimited), IM, and myspace comments. I miss everyone, even those up here in Flagstaff, or even throughout Arizona. I love and care for each and every person in my life, and always will, that's just how God created me.

And yes Paul, I got your joke. It made me laugh, and I'm still smiling about it. I put it as one of my quotes on Facebook. You're an amazing older Brother.

I need a break already, or at least the semester to be over. I really just want to have a no class semester, which I'm pretty close to having one with the schedule I currently have. But I have this desire to go on adventures, to seek other places, and enjoy their splendors...

Tired of it...

Hanging out with friends is the time that I feel top of the world, until I get a phone call. My lovely roommate called me as I was star gazing with a friend. For what you ask? To inform me that my Bible I left on my bed after doing devotions this morning, has become Samson's new chew toy. I wanted to cry. First of all, how did he get in my room? Janice and I agreed that he doesn't belong in there over a month ago, and yet some how, while we both were out, he got into my room and chew my only version on hand of God's Word. I'm sick of him chewing on everything! On me, the house (yes I'm serious about the house), and my dog. He destroys things, and this is something that really can't be replaced. My parents gave this Bible when I transferred to NAU. My Mom personally marked scriptures in it, and now it's missing pages. I know it's just a thing, and I shouldn't be that upset about it, but that was something special to me, and now it's ruined. I guess I really didn't need to read parts of it, since I'm now faced with the lack of Truth.

I haven't talked to his owner yet, seeing how she's never home. I don't know what to do. Do I have her replace it? Or will she even care? How do I even approach her about it? This is when I wish I had someone around to just give me awesome advise, but he went home yesterday, and it's too late to be calling and waking him up. I guess my day was bad as well...

Walking slowly...But still walking

Today was pretty much as wasted day. Dwelling on the thought of seeing someone, and actually getting to talk to them, which I'm unsure of it even happening. So decided to work on something I've been neglecting since school started. Reading my Bible.

I have Holman's Christian Bible standard, and I love how it reads. It's actually sponsored by the Southern Baptist Convention, and is a easier to understand than the New King James and NIV versions out there. I grew up using King James up until my Mom gave me this one back when I moved out to Arizona. In the back of it, it has a section of "Where to Turn" questions. Such as, when you are lonely, feeling shame, sick, and even when it comes to God's purpose for you. It give you scripture to turn to. So I turned to Psalms 107, in relation to "when you are anxious for those you love." I didn't even get to the second verse. "Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His faithful love endures forever." I began to tear up, mostly because lately I've been feeling no one loves me, but here I've been selfish and blind. I tell myself and others that He is the only one that I can truly depend on for anything and everything, and I haven't been praising Him or even giving Him a thought in my daily tasks. I just need to allow myself to let go of this world, and prepare more for the next; and hopefully bring a few people with me.

"Did you eat today?" is now a sticky note on my keyboard, to remind me to endeavor in the food of God's Word. One cannot go hungry on His word, unless they refuse to eat. I'm done refusing, and making excuses not to sit down and enjoy this bounty.

So I've decided to take the route of getting my Master's in Fine Arts. Yes, it's more school, but it's an opportunity I feel driven towards. So where am I looking? So far, CSULB and CSUN, mostly cause I would like to move back home for a bit, and they both have great MFA programs. But I've also, for a long time, been looking into Portland State and Oregon. I'll pretty much go where ever the will give me an Internship, so that I don't have to pay as much tuition. After that, getting a job should be cake, since I'm a rare commodity.

For those you back home, I miss you all, and doing my best to be back sooner than Thanksgiving. Why? Cause I can!

I spoke too soon! I really, really need new people in my life. Why do I put my faith in people that are just gonna flake on me anyway? Tough break for them, I'm a good person to have as a friend.

So I've sat here, thinking of what to write...I grow tired of the moments of boredom, but what am I to do? It's not like I haven't tired to keep busy. Spent over 5 hours in class today, just printing my gradients of color for intaglio, and even worked on one of my litho stones. Then spent another 2.5 hours in the jewelry lab working on my first piece. I just don't know anymore. And with the thought of Grad School constantly being placed in my mind, just ads more to the confusion I've placed myself.

I guess looking at country boys will help...Later ya'll!

I should be doing my online lecture, or at least reading it so I can do the discussion, but since I forgot about it until now, I really don't feel the desire to do so. I think I'm one of the few people that would rather have traditional classroom settings rather those of distant learning. Online allows me to forget and act as if I don't have any class. It's not a priority to do the readings and such.

I loved being home these past few days, even though I hung out with Paul and Melanie most of the time. But we always had a great time, minus the horrible ribs at Knott's. I can hardly wait to go back, which won't be until November, unless they head this way.

So I'm back to the grind stone, or at least I have two. I've started two images in my litho class, and I'm excited for both of the finish products, even though I've already decided I've messed up on one of them. Hopefully I will get them printed some time soon, but remember I'm taking two printmaking classes. Yay ME!

Gabe and I went to dinner tonight, and it always seems to lead to the fact that I don't consider myself a typical art student. I'm conservative for one, and I shower daily. I just feel like I don't belong, which I may or may not. But it brings me to another point...I'm not sure what I'm going to do for my capstone, or even what is all involved with that. Gabe assured me that I will be fine, and that I'm being pre-mature since I shouldn't worry about it until the Spring. I just hope God helps me with my confidence...

Waste of the day...

But not completely. I really like doing random searches on Google. I came across this artist, Nelson Boren, who does amazing watercolors. A native Arizonian, he portrays scenes from the life of the cowboy, from the waist down in most cases. It's amazing how he works with this medium. The realism, choice of colors, and softness to each. I was just blown away...the only thing I find confusing is that his listed work says they are in editions, which to me means prints. And edition is, in the fine arts aspect, how many identical images were created. So if I printed 15 images of a flower, and only four look identical, I would label that there were only four total in the edition on each print. It's easier to show than actually explain in writing. But none the less his work is very breath taking. I hope someone, one day, will feel the same about mine.

Sleep Hard

That's what I did tonight. Paul, Melanie, and I, the three musketeers it seems, went and saw Die Hard 4, which I just fell asleep during the whole movie. Waking up during random parts, including when one of the movie patrons decided to yell at a group of kids. Eh, I paid like two dollars, so I'm not worried. Just worried about that strange quarter boy, who seriously was trying to steal my money as he ran around the theater, saying, "he died" over a kagillion times.

Today was a long day anyway. Got up to cut watermelon for the picnic(pictures seen here) we were having a church, got dressed, and drove by myself to Westminster. Just as I'm passing my rival high school, my phone rings...it's my sister, and she finally popped about 1130am EST. So I have a new Monkey/Niece. I've known her name since like May, and it's still kinda hard to get used to it. She's a big girl, but not as big as I was, but I'm sure she's gonna be just as amazing as me one day. The only sad thing is that I won't get to see her until March, since flying for a family of four (two being under the age of four), is very expensive when it's from coast to coast. I'm sure I'll get pictures soon enough. I just hope my sister is getting the rest she needs and that my brother is taking good care of her.

With the birth of Leyna, I've realized something. Today as well was Samuel's birthday, and he's officially three. I'm such a bad Auntie, and didn't call him. I'll do it tomorrow, and then hit Bo up as I head back East on Tuesday...But back to my realization. I now have four family members that share the same birthdays. My Mom and first niece (Kirstyn) share the eleventh of January, now Samuel and Leyna share the second of September...I really, really need to have kids in May. I wonder if I'll ever share a birthday with family, even though I think it's pretty awesome that I have the same birthday as Edgar Allen Poe...Pretty SWEET!

Tomorrow is my last day in Long Beach, I'm gonna miss it...

Ow! My Babies!

I think I said that twice this afternoon. It's been awhile since I've been to a theme park, and it's been ages since I've been to Knott's. It's totally not what I remember, but a lot changes in nine years. Some rides I used to love are now gone, but replaced with short versions of greatness, or at least that's how I felt about Sierra Sidewinder. Ghost Rider made my head and ovaries hurt...ok not my ovaries, but did throw me around quite a bit. I don't even remember being able to see clearly on the whole ride. But I enjoyed myself none the less, and mostly enjoyed the people I shared those insane observations.

My days here are almost over, and I really wish it was June again. My summer is gone, and it's taken me this long to realize it...

Education is important, right? I should know, mostly because I have stuck with higher learning for the past five years, can changing my major just a few times. But is there more? Well yeah. I could get my MFA, and pretty much be guaranteed a job since people in my field of interest is so rare. Most Printmaking instructors are really Painters trying to pass themselves off as us wonderful people. I am proud of what I'm doing with my art, or at least the medium I'm in, but is that enough to do another two years of Master's work? I would only go to a school that let me have a paid internship, which most do. It just seems to be pressed against my face, like a child does on a window for our amusement.

Retah, actually brought up the fact that I'm about two classes away from having my BFA in Ceramics, so I should double or minor. That means I would have to do two Senior Capstone/Exhibitions, so more work. And the Ceramics Department has never really been supportive of me, since day one. So why get two degrees? According to her, I can't just depend on Printmaking, since demand changes, and it would benefit me to have a back up. She also stated that if I have two emphasis, I might be a better candidate for a teaching position. I really doubt that the demand for Printmaking Instructors is going to change, since most people consider painting and sculpture the "fine arts."

Well I should go to bed, and Melanie, if you're reading this, you should too! Sorry to call you out, but I had to. We have to be rested for tomorrow: ultimate frisbee and soccer, and all the Baptist food we can eat!

You too Jourdan!

What a dream!

So WEIRD! I had not had a dream like that in months, especially with that person playing one of the lead roles. But why now? I have not seen him since May, and I have not talked to him for three weeks now. It was really crazy, and I mean CRAZY! But why is he on my mind now, or stuck in my head. Yes, I still think of him from time to time, which it's hard not to, even though he's hurt me somewhat. And I don't understand the dream, or if there is even meaning to it.

Why is everything a push-up? Yes, I'm talking about my fluffy pillows as Nicole put it last night, or at least the things used to give some type of support. I already have more than enough "fluffiness," so why shove them up into my face? And why do they have to be so EXPENSIVE!?! This is when I wish I was the same size I was my sophomore year of high school...Those where the days!

Well if you haven't guessed yet, I've made it safely to the land of the Dome that used to harbor the Spruce Goose, and the docked Queen Mary. I didn't realize that I was even home until I was driving on the 210, somewhere around Claremont. I'm glad I made the decision to come, especially after visiting with my sister and nephews. It was nice to pretend to walk to the school bus. And Swim Friday was a blast, though there was a code brown and the little kids like to hit me in the head for some reason. I miss

I finally went shopping for real clothes, thanks to Melanie. We spent five hours in the mall! I can't think of any time that I have spent more than two. But at least I left with a nice winter coat, slacks and a couple of really nice tops. Now I need shoes, and skirts. Working hard on being breathtaking!

Let's hope I don't burn the place down

So I caught my sister online this morning, and was kinda hoping to just chat and rant with her a bit, since we don't do enough talking to one another anyway. She asked me to be a candle lighter for her wedding...something I did back in 1998 for my sister Rachael, and I was 14 then. So being 23 I feel a bit old, maybe too old to be in that position, plus I can't wear my cool new brown one I bought. Oh well, I'll still look amazing, I'm sure of it. Plus, Brian's sister would be the other torch bearer, and she's about my age. But I'm sure I will look more like I'm 15 than 23...crap I'll be 24! For those of you that have never heard of Candle Lighters, they are two people, carrying an apparatus with a wick and flame, to light the two candles next to the Unity Candle. In some cases, there are a set of candle la bras placed strategically, on both sides of the Unity Candle, and they two are lit.

So I'm going home, I've decided, but I have yet to decide on my departure date and time. If I leave today, I will beat all the labor day traffic in California, but can't leave until after 4pm. But if I leave early, early, Friday, like 3am, I would get in at 10am and be extremely exhausted, and it's Swim Friday. Oh decisions! Just pray for Windex and I as we travel.