Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Hurt of Old Scars

This morning as I was getting myself ready for work, my mind wandered to a conversation I had yesterday with a co-worker. We both were raised in large, Christian homes, both our fathers studied to be pastors, and neither of us felt the pressure of being Saved. We talked and talked about growing up, similar thoughts and feelings about our relationship with God in comparison to those who did not have the same upbringing. And I shared my "Back Row Baptist" grandparents.

Oh how I miss them, and still really doesn't feel as if they are gone, just out of touch. They were a huge influence in my life, because they loved so much! God loves beyond what we could ever imagine, and my grandparents love God so much, that it poured out onto those around them.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Knowing Things Sometimes Sucks

This week has been a somewhat unpleasant work week, even though I took Monday off. (deep sigh)

I felt really great come Tuesday morning. Felt excellent as the day went on. No troubles with the system, no new support tickets needing to be submitted, wonderful lunch with co-workers from other departments, etc. But when a certain person just RUBS you the COMPLETELY wrong way 80% of the time, it's really hard to function and continue on my merry way.

I'm still upset about it, and still trying to figure out how to discuss it professionally and effectively with them and/or my supervisors. I'm trying to pray it away, cause how I acted, made me feel embarrassed and apologized to those who witnessed my small action of anger. I don't to be that person, but I also don't want to continue being someones punching bag or inbox for abuse.

Wednesday wasn't any better, other issues, broken records, awkwardness. Today, I ended the day by crying. It sucked. Basically was a repeat of Thursday, with more awkwardness. I was in such a bad mood before 7am, I kept to myself for the most part, then by the end of the day I became a clown just to help the office not sense my ridiculous negative attitude. Which in turned helped me as well, until I get news I'm not suppose to know yet.

I understand why, but it has made me incredibly sad. I'm grieving over something that isn't happening until February, but I feel like my heart broke a little. Actually, is it a little broken. And it's not because I haven't officially informed yet, that part doesn't bother me at all. It's the fact I have spent the last year getting to know bits and pieces of people and my job, and when things change, I have a hard time with it. This situation is very, very personal to me... so I'm taking it

Tomorrow, I wear a mustache.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Money Well Wasted

Two years ago, I used a bit of my tax return to buy a screen, inks and a squeegee. A few months down the road, I realized I made a big mistake. I bought textile ink, plastisol inks, which I had never worked with. The are not water-soluble, are composed of PVC particles that are suspended in emulsion, and only dry when cured, about 350 degree Fahrenheit. To reclaim or clean your screen, you have to use solvents, horrible, solvents.

So I tried printing with it, at the time thinking it was water-soluble, like that I used at NAU. I was only doing a single reduction print on paper. I noticed that the paper was not taking the ink well, so assumed it was because of the paper type I was using. Then came the reclaiming of my screen. Everything came out, except the excess ink. So I cleaned it again, let it sit longer, still there. Then realized the ink could not be cleaned with my handy, dandy, 99 cent, Eco-friendly cleaner.

Thank God for the internet and a McLogan Catalog. I found the cleaning solvent I needed, drove to McLogan to get it, and became twenty dollars poorer. I felt so wonderful once I had that jug in my hand. But upon application, the ink was still in my screen. So what did I do? I put it to the side, and got a smaller less expensive screen, and tried again... cleaner still didn't work, especially with lighter inks, which makes no sense to me.

Why am I writing about this tonight, when it's been well over two years? Because, I have been reunited with these items, and attempting to clean them out again. I have been doing research online, to get any help I can with these problems. And now, I wonder if I should just trash it all and start over?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Boy, do I complain!

I just realized it today, or at least that I do complain a lot.

Got to visit with some people I haven't seen since October, and the first thing I do is complain. Not something positive, but that I don't like something. Though the conversation was followed by really great things going on in my life, I had to start it with something negative.

I think I do this with every initial conversation. Like it's a habit. Even now, I'm complaining about complaining. Tomorrow, I start fresh.

My life is wonderful and normal. Nothing horrible is going on. Nothing too insane to cause me to be in some type of "I hate life" mood. I'm so blessed to have what I have, and need to make that my focus, so that when I have a day like I've had in the past, I can recover.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Foggy?

Or just not with it. Even as I try to type this entry, my mind looses sight of where I was headed, why I decided to start.

I woke up early this morning, probably because I slept way to much yesterday afternoon, but I felt fine starting my day at 4 am. I did my usual routine of getting ready for work and tending to my garden, and heading out the door at two and a half hours later. I was ready to start the week, and even excited for the mid-week day off.

But as the day progress, and fairly quickly, I just seemed to not be in the present or somewhat pulled away from everyone else emotionally. Could it be because of my work load being more stressful that usual? Or the fact that I'm slightly behind in closing my portion of the month? Or the real heavy hitter of hearing a close friend and co-worker is in the hospital for reasons unknown? I'm just not focused.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Am I Okay?

Everyone is asked that on a daily bases or should be. This weekend, I was asked that very question, a few times, yet it made me evaluate my response.

My life, though not perfect (which I know is impossible), is nothing I dreamed. I live in a city I had no desire of being a resident of. Have a job I do not want to do for the rest of my life, though I'm pretty successful at it. I have a relationship with a man I love and care for so much, yet question some aspects of it. I have a bachelor's degree that remains useless for the time being. And dreams that are on hold or have become unrealistic. I guess it's being human to doubt life, and the hand dealt.

So am I okay? I guess so. I have come to terms, for awhile now, that is this where God wants me. As to why exactly, I'm still walking and finding out. I'm doing my best to move forward and not sulk in the past, though reminiscing is something I surely enjoy.

So what was the point of this blog post. Nothing, just my random thoughts and current feelings needing expressed. I needed an outlet and the internet is just that, when used wisely.

I have loved and lost, succeeded and failed, been hurt and caused pain. It's life, and I know I'm not the only one that experienced this, nor are they things I never will again. I grow, age, and become a better person because of these things. So am I really okay?

Yes, simply because I just need to look and cry out to God and know He's in control. I think when I am not "okay" is when I have tried to rely on myself or others. It's part of being human, but as I walk more with Him, I will continue to reminders He has it all under control, and that I'm okay.

Monday, May 14, 2012

I Ran

I finally got to a breaking point, put my shoes on and went out for a run with Windex. I wish she's didn't have to be on a leash, as it made it hard to get for range of motion of my arm, but well worth it. Only did maybe ten minutes, wore her out, and we walked for another five. Even bummed into Jason and Gracie (our other dog), on the way home. I definitely feel good!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Tonight, I got a great reminder of how awesome my family is. I am truly thankful for each and every one of them.

I am a horrible communicator. I have a computer and an iPhone, so more than enough resources to keep in contact, right? Yet, I rarely call my parents and siblings, simply because I have decided I'm too busy.

I need to be a better family member,  no matter my title to whoever it is or their relation to me.

Vacation Wanted

More like needed... But when and where to?

I have been working since October 5th with no real vacation, cause sick days and office holidays aren't really times to get away. I love my job and co-workers, but I have been doing the same "tasks" since December and need a change. After our migration into the new system, which is suppose to go live in three weeks, the light at the end of the tunnel will be a bit brighter. My tasks will change every two weeks or so, and I will no longer have to constantly say "I don't know, I haven't learned that yet."

I will most likely try to escape sometime in the fall/winter, since I'll have banked in enough vacation time to truly take a trip, but also, it will be the start of the off season. But where to go...

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

To Dream a Dream

Usually mine crash and burn due to lack or research or support.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Current Standings

After two months, I have lost three pounds. Kinda of sad, but considering that I was not really exercising, bad I know, but simply reducing my intake of soda and portions size, it's a great accomplishment.

Work has been part of why I haven't been consistent, but honestly it's all me. I made the choices not to work out each day. I lie to myself each morning and evening, knowing that the words out of my mouth are lies. I really am not a go getter when it comes to fitness.

But I'm still going to try....

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Published Life?

I have gotten a few opportunities (which were mandatory) to cover our reception desk at work, so that the receptionist could take lunch. Depending on the day, it's either for Hilde or Beth, mostly for Hilde.

Hilde is an amazing woman. She has so much to share, and usually does, which I wish I had more time to sit and listen to her life. She immigrated to the US via boat two weeks after marrying her husband in their small German town. I don't think I have ever met someone from that era. She is so full of history!

She is documenting her life, "because my children don't ask." She's writing and scanning pictures, and laying it all out, and I'm ready to read it all. "It doesn't exist yet!"

My life story isn't in ink either, but is it worth it to jot it down? I'm an eighties kid, born and raised in Southern California, and now live in Arizona. I know there are little details in between, but not like Hilde's, or at least right now that's how I feel.

I have kept a journal for a long time(which for over a year, I have not written anything), just jotting down life as I traveled through it, and go back and read it to see how I have grown. How my life was centered and changed, but is it something others would want to read? I should pull it out, re-read it, and maybe add another chapter...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

This week has to be one of the hardest ones I have ever had. I can't remember when I have ever been so eager for the weekend and a vacation. I guess others are noticing the wear on me, even though I thought I was holding up pretty well. "You should just take Monday off." I won't, though I should, but I have semi-plans for my vacation time.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Battle of the Birds

At first, I thought it was really nice to see a female cardinal venture through my backyard. Chirping, hopping and pulling leaves off the weeds. I enjoyed sitting out back, and watching her roam, and the countless failures of my Harvey cat's attempt to catch it. Friday, that all changed.

A few weeks back, I sowed zucchini, directly into the ground, cause I was lazy and didn't want to make newspaper pots or take the time to prep them. So I tilled the ground, made hills, holes, and covered each seed. Within a few weeks, I had little babies popping out of the Arizona ground. I was so excited, even though they were just little.
Friday, I had off for Good Friday, so I went out back to enjoy my little in progress garden. Three of my newspaper pots, the sprouts were pulled out, I blamed the cat, cause she's been naughty as of late. Then I checked my rows, and the leaves were cut too clean to be Harvey. So I went on my way, tending to the rest, and planning the rest of my day.

Then I heard my so called friend, chirping away, enjoying the day... And my sprouts! So I spent my weekend trying to figure out how to keep her and her twin from devastating my zucchini, squash, and cucumber. I have things strung up to flicker in the sunlight and bang in the breeze. I also have everything covered with mini greenhouses I made out of recycling. I'm hoping it will hold up until I can get to it again next weekend...CORN!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I have sat here and basically written two separate entries, only to delete them... They were just too whiny. I'll try again tomorrow. Her are some pre-peas.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Bite My Tongue

For the most part, I am a polite person, but I am also human. Today, I almost lost it. I almost had an outburst of total frustration and anger. It's outcome, if successfully reached, would have been disastrous. I try my best to be professional, even though I have never worked in a setting like this before, I'm still learning. Yet today, because of one stupid thing, I almost lost my cool. I have not been pushed to that point in a long time. At the moment, I can't remember the last time at work, where ever I was at the time, that I exploded. It deems me as a mean person, which I know is somewhat true. I'm just grateful I kept my mouth shut and changed the direction of the conversation.

Tomorrow is another day...

Friday, March 30, 2012

Ephiphany Friday

I am so grateful that my work week is over! Never in my life have I even been so excited for the weekend, well actually Friday. This week in the office has been crazy. Work is piling up, but not because we are behind or slacking, but because this month alone there has been an increase of sponsorships. So, we are adjusting and working as a team.

For those who do not know, I work in Downtown Phoenix. Every Friday near my job there is a Food Truck event. For a few weeks now my office mates have said they would like to go, but each week something comes up, and we don't go. This Friday, I was going, end of story. Some eventually backed out, but I didn't go alone, and enjoyed it.

Since our group was small, three people, it gave each of us a better opportunity to get to know more about one another. Inquires of current life situation, marriage, and of course, food see to be the main topics. The first two are hard for me to share, especially Jason and I's current situation. One, when asked, elaborated on how she met her husband, including the first time she saw him. It was sweet, honest and storybook. "It was straight lust," followed by laughter, "I wasn't a Christian at the time." I often forget that those around me, though my organization is a Christ-Centered one, that some people were not saved until Adulthood, such as my husband. Made me think of my life, if I never accepted Christ that night at a youth rally. Where would I be? Certainly not where I am now.

Then the phrase, "I have done such worse things as a Christian, than when I wasn't saved," presented itself into our conversations. And I realized how true that is for most people. But why? Is it because we, as Christians, while trying to walk with Christ, we are more receptive to our Sin? I think that is part of it, but if we are more receptive, they why does it seem that sin plagues our lives more? I know, I'm over thinking it, but basically, I am saved, "We have Grace," and it is my relationship with Christ that matters, not my faults. I'm only 28, human, and walking with God. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be on this side of heaven.

I'm not sure where I was going with this entry. Maybe nowhere except affirming my faith and love of God/Christ, and that I am loved unconditionally no matter what I do.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Getting Back on Track

I'm somewhat excited, especially since I just made a major purchase. I finally bought running shoes! I know, I'm lame. What a silly thing to be so excited about, but I'm also excited about a new store opening soon by my house, but that's another day.

I am proud of myself, finally have no excuse to go out and at least walk for now, and hopefully be running in a few weeks without major soreness. Hopefully after awhile, register for a 5K in a few months, and start competing again.

Also, I'm back counting calories, or at least being more aware of my intake and of what I'm actually eating. I'm also working out, somewhat, but hopefully more constant.

Small Goal: Workout everyday (even if it's just 20 minutes of movement)
Large Goal: Lose the 20lbs I have gained since getting married by my anniversary.

I have done it before, got down to 145lbs just before moving to Austin in 2009, but since then life has been very different and always changing. But I'm going to take the bull by the horns and really stick to it this time.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Crying

How I start my Fridays. Well, mostly because someone really got to my heart. I am the youngest person in my office at FH, not the whole organization, but in my department I am. So I'm often given advise or asked about my husband and this whole joblessness that is the center of our life. Usually I just say "he's doing ok, looking, applying and sometimes down about not being able to provide" with a smile and control of emotions. Today, I couldn't hold my composure. I did not have a break down, if that's what your are picturing. I can't help but be frustrated with this situation as of late. Not frustrated with Jason, but with trying to figure out life again.

And I'm not a crier. As a kid, I faked tears time and time again, so as an adult, I hold it back, or not let it bother me to that extent. I know this will come off as asshole-ish, but crying makes me feel weak. I have cried at work before, a few times, due to similar situations during that time. Some wise man once told me, that I try really hard to give the appearance that I'm tough. I'm unsure as to why I do that, but I do know that I do.

I am a strong woman, and most will realize that when they meet me, but I tend to go beyond that at times, as if I'm a He-man Woman hater. I'm not your typical woman either, which sometimes makes me insecure when I see others my age or in my surrounding being "feminine." Maybe I should work on that...

By the way, I love my co-workers, and I know that they are only concerned and praying about Jason and I's situation. Just like everyone else, some days are harder than others.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Half Way There

On this upcoming Saturday, I will have been officially married for six months. SIX MONTHS! Six very life changing, strange, and growing months.

Let start with the growing, both physical and emotionally. I'm sensitive, maybe because I love and care full heartedly. Maybe because I'm the baby girl of our family. Or, just because God needs me to be for others or better relate to those also classified as "sensitive." Jason, not so much, which causes conflict, but we are working on this together. I'm trying my best not to act on first hurt, because it's not always his intention to hurt. We both have also realized how much Marriage is different than dating. Dating you can escape, leave to your own space, or just end things, cry a little, and be done. Marriage, you have joined your lives together, and separation is a heck of a lot harder, and neither one of us is willing to give up on each other. Do not be quick to think we are constantly at each other, arguing and thinking of divorce, we are just adjusting to things neither one of us is used to.

Physically, I have grown, well not grown, but gained 20lbs in these six months. I'm so upset with myself about it as well. But what have I done? Nothing. Maybe hoped, dreamed, and set out for healthier me, but not physically doing anything to get me there. I so easily say, "I just need to run, and I'll be good." but right after, "But my current weight would reek havoc on my already damaged knees." A year ago, I was still considered overweight, thanks to BMI's inaccuracy. I was living at home, but while at home I was doing more than sitting at a computer for 8 hour a day. I was totally into my gardening plans, helping family, and eventually planning my wedding. Now, as I mentioned, most of my daylight hours are in front of a computer monitor, well actually two. Then it's home, sitting again, exploring the internets and watching TV with Jason.

Yesterday, I decided to change that. I'm not looking to loose 5 lbs a week, or anything crazily unhealthy like that. I simply want to loose the 20lbs I have gained since September. My first goal, minus the end results, is to do seven days of a workout I found via Pintrest.com. Just seven days of some kind of work out. So far so good.

A life is hard for everyone in the world, and Jason and I's life just got a bit harder. A few weeks ago he was fired. Lame, big time. But we are adjusting, and he is doing his best to find where God wants him now. We are trusting God once again, it's just hard when your household income gets cut in more than half. We just ask for your prayers. Thankfully were are already on a budget, have our "emergency fund," and our tax return. So we will survive on what we have for a bit, but it's still scary. We could be worse, far worse.

Life is changing, always...