Maybe it's me

I don't know, things have been very stressful. I don't know if it is the way others are expressing issues involving me or if it's the assumptions that are made in regards to these issues. To be honest, I'm getting really tired of it all. I really do not like being viewed as someone I'm not. I'm trying not to take this to heart, but I never ever try to build myself up as something I'm not. Or imply I'm doing things in that manner without consulting others or following instructions.

Jason says I am a rules freak. Maybe it was my upbringing. I follow the rules, instruction, and guidelines to the best of my ability. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I don't follow everything to the T, but I try really hard to be on the up and up. Rules are there for safety and logical reasons, or that's how I look at it.

I'm sorry for this post. This just hit me this morning and seems to be happening a lot lately, which is why I'm wondering if it's me. But not to sound like a jerk or righteous, I doubt it is me.

Christmas is coming, and I'm no where near ready for it, but then again I am. Jason and I are still trying to figure out if we go or stay for Christmas. It would almost been fun to go what we did last year, minus the proposal. But with his work schedule we would have to leave Christmas Day and money is tight. Also, it's our first year together as husband and wife and it would be nice to spend it just he and I, but what would we do all day? Jason keeps saying we should start some kind of tradition, but his "ideas" are ridiculous and he doesn't mean them. I'm thinking of making us stockings, even though we both already have some from our parents, but this could be a new tradition. Plus, I need to sew.

I really want to see my family, haven't seen them since the wedding three months ago, and it's hitting me harder as each month goes by. Though I wish I was living in CA with my family and getting more opportunities to see them, I really like my job with FH. I do plan to head out in January for my sister's baby shower to which I will be driving. But I'm still excited to be there...

I Have a Purpose

If you haven't read Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life, you should. It's not an amazing book, but definitely hits some key points that everyone can use or be reminded of.

This week has been amazing! A week ago, I found a posting for a job that just seemed to fill my spirit with so many emotions. After praying, crying, and talking with Jason about it, I applied and put it in God's hands. Literally five hours after I submitted the application, I got a call for an interview opportunity with them. Yes, I have experienced this before, but this was different! I could feel God working, and it was amazing to even just have the opportunity to interview. So Monday, 2pm was my slot with Food for the Hungry.

A friend of mine sent me an article about interviews and wedding rings. After reading it, I talked to Jason a bit about it. "So just wear your band." My engagement ring is pretty big, not my choice. I'm fairly simple, but Jason did the picking and that's what he felt I deserve. That morning, I took my engagement ring off, looked at my hand and realized, "If they judge me on what's on my hand, I don't want to work for them." So I left my rings on.

I get there, 20 minute drive down one highway, but I'm an hour early. So I sit and sit, read an magazine I brought with, and did my best to save gas but not over heat in the Phoenix heat. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking and I just kept talking to God. I finally decide to go inside, and I'm immediately greeted by two ladies (about my age or a little older). Next thing I know, I'm in a personal conversation with the "President of First Impressions" or the Receptionist. Sharing where we are from, me being only married for 2 weeks and moving to Phoenix. It was nice to just have someone willing to just talk and sort of make the whole thing a bit less formal. I never once felt awkward. Final, one of my potential interviewers comes and takes me back to the Director's office. As we were waiting for the Director, she asked me about myself, which after a few sentences I blurted out, "I'm really nervous." We both laughed, and she said she knows the feeling, she was in my situation a few years back, once again, taking the edge off a bit more. She shared a bit more about what the job is and the community of the whole organization.

Finally the Director comes in, and it's laughs and giggles, which just helped me more and more feel more comfortable. The interview went smoothly and actually was really enjoyable. It had to be the best interview I have ever had. I was really excited to be able to share my background including my faith. Some of the questions I gave interesting answers to, but at least I can say I answered them all honestly! I almost started to cry during it, when talking about the emotions and feelings I had when reading the post for the position.

I left the interview feeling so blessed. I didn't care at that point if I got the job. God just surrounded that place, and you could see and feel Him working within each person and as a whole.

Two days later, I had another interview with another company. Whole Body donations, being the front end/receptionist for them. Yes, I would probably have a hard time discussing with people about a passing or even the benefits of body donation for them financially. So I went in there and give it my best. I get home, lounge around, get another phone call for another prospective job. Then FH calls! "Can you come in tomorrow for a second interview? I know it's short notice." Once again, I felt God working and was amazed!

9:30am, I got there 40 minutes early this time, because Jason warned me about the horrible traffic, which I got there in 25 minutes. So I sat there, filling out a background consent form for the body donation company and talked to God. 9:15, I went in, talked to the receptionist again and two other people that happened to be hanging around. The second interview was mainly so that another person could ask any questions they felt were miss, and since they would be my prospective direct supervisor, they wanted to meet the candidates. Also, had to do a interview with HR. The HR interview I was sort of sweating bullets, but once again was just honest. Maybe it's because I am more of a in the background sort of person and meeting new people makes me nervous. "You should be getting a call back either today or tomorrow, but we are going to try for today."

OK! So I go home, try to eat, FAIL! I just was nervous. I'm one of three people, and they are going to be calling everyone on my reference sheet. What are they going to ask them? I hope that everyone was available to talk when they call. RING! "Hey Raylene, it's ****** from FH, I have a wrong number for one of your references." My heart sank, because I was hoping it was "the call." I quickly found my error and gave her the correct number, but once again my nerves got to me and I was just uneasy for the rest of the night. Next morning, I get a text from one of my references. "I did my best!" Right then and there my nerves were no longer an issue. Once again, I put it in God's hands and enjoyed my day with my husband.

1245pm, "We would like to offer you the position." I nearly screamed yes! I think they realized how happy I was! "Be for we move on, we need you to sign the offer letter and other paper work so that we can do our background check." So, Jason and I go and grab some celebration tacos and head down to FH for me to sign my papers. Once again, the receptionist greeted me and made me feel at home. The Director came next to greet me, "She got the job right? We're hiring her, that's why she's here?" came from the Receptionist. "No, I'm just here to sign thank you for interviewing papers." She looked sad, but the Director quickly asked her, "who did you say you wanted?" She said me! I guess I made a great impression on her like she did me. It made me feel amazing that I was wanted more than just for my skills, but for who I am!

Signed the papers, said goodbye and was told I would start a week from Monday! I'm so excited! I told my parents before posting it on Facebook, which it took a lot of self-control to not type "I got the job." I can't help but feel blessed! I thanked and continue to thank God for this. Without him I would have never found this position, never would have applied, and never would have felt confident during the interviews.

Even though this is an awesome thing, and Jason and I are going to go to dinner tonight and celebrate, I can't help but notice the hardships of those close to me. Accidents, illness, lost. These are my focus now. These are what my prayers are filled with today. I know God is working in these situations as well, and the out come is up to Him. I just pray for peace for these involved and that they are drawn closer to His loving arms.

Troubled Mind

It's days like these that I need to print.

I went to bed hours ago, four to be exact, but didn't sleep a wink. I've been crazy all day it seems. Not, I've lost my mind, or I don't I have crossed that line. But simply having anxiety for the last 10 hours of my day. I tried blaming the coffee, the one cup I maybe have a day, but today that wasn't the true case of my funky day.

Phoenix is hot, monochromatic and (your pick). I was not my first choice, or my choice at all, in terms of a place to live. No, don't think I just settled because I got married. I have a purpose here, a God-given purpose, just not sure what that purpose entails exactly. So I'm praying, but mostly dealing with the situation in front of me. It could be worse. I could be homeless, rather than jobless. I could be addicted to drugs or a high school drop out, rather than educated and on the up and up. So why am I unemployable or at least feel that way?

I have a bachelor's, which now a days gets you what? Just above Hobo status, maybe. Depends on the amount of digging or fishing for scrap metal or "treasures." Get a second degree or a master's? Is that what I heard, my dear reader? A master's in my "emphasis" leaves me in the same condition, just more debt and more of a troubling mind. A master's in another area, then? That's a great question, do you have the answer as well? Don't get me wrong. I would not trade my exchange my "trade" for another career path. I am happy with my choice, and made my decision long ago, realizing it was not going to be easy after graduation.

My employment history is... how do you say? Interesting. Out of the few employment endeavor, none are really similar to one another. Nor does my resume (or cover letter) show what I am really made of. So meet with a manager, ok. Do a follow up phone call, ok. In the last two years I have had a total of two actual face-to-face interviews. If you count the skype interview, that's totaling to three. So why do I feel so discouraged? It's all good, right?

Interviewing, that's a joke. I interview so badly, and I have tried to practice with different people or in different ways and nothing! Most of my previous jobs I had a little network help. Either I knew someone personally or was somewhat related. Sucks for me now, cause I had it easy for the most part. "just be yourself" Have we met? I'm sort of a dork, a funny (to myself) kind of person. Not average at all.

But I am grateful that I do have faith in God. Without Him, I think I would be pretty darn worthless at this point. I'm in a pit, a deep one, but know that tomorrow is another day, and that God's Plans for me are coming. Just wished He would let me in on some of it, but it's all on His terms.

I'm also very grateful for the fact He gave me Jason. Without Jason, my faith wouldn't be what it is, or at least that's how I feel. We both have a hard time letting God handle things, but time and time again we give God the credit He deserves. Without God, we would have drowned in Austin, but our heads were always above water. Without God, we both would be two very different people and probably would not have known the love we have for one another.

I appologize for my blog post. I guess I just needed to get my frustrations out of my head and off my heart. I have applied to at least 20 jobs in the last three days, two of which says the hold process will take 8 weeks, at least. I really just need a job now, anything legal. I can't dance, I'm a Baptist. (tacky I know) So those of you who could, please pray for others like myself that need employment. There are two jobs that are really weighing in on my heart that I came across through our church's website, and I have just been praying that one of these is what God has instored for Jason and I.

Tied the Knot

Last Saturday was an ending and a new beginning for Jason and I. The days leading up to the grand event was insane. The whole week is a blur!

I head to Flagstaff the Wednesday before, trying my best to get things in order before family arrived that night and the following morning. Spent a little time with my friends, figuring out my makeup(only did half my face), headed to Church for dinner and bible study and "family time" with those there. It was great to catch up and laugh with my church family. I miss them so much.

Thursday family started arriving, delayed flights and bad weather left me a little lonely Wednesday night, but it was rush, rush when my parents and eldest sister arrived. From there it was getting them checked-in, off to the Ma(ll), dinner with a LBC friend that drove up just for our wedding, and waiting for others to arrive, which wasn't until after 11pm. Jason didn't get into until that evening either.

Friday, was once again non-stop. Woke up, had breakfast with Jason, and headed to the church with my parents. It still seemed like we had plenty to do, especially with how much we packed into that little kitchen! I'm thankful for the fact that there were so many people able to help. Even two of our friends showed up to help with decorating the sanctuary. Then it was off to do errands, meet up with Jason's sister (roommate for the night) and then back to the church for rehearsal.

After rehearsal, which went smoothly thanks to my family's experience with weddings(this being the seventh one), it was a trip downtown with the girls! I had a blast and realized how much I missed them all and our good times together.

Saturday
8AM-Hair Appointment
So through the help of one of my bridesmaids, we got a stylist/hairdresser for doing five people's hair pre-wedding. We were told to be there at 8am, which three of us(including me) were 15 minutes late, but figured it wasn't going to be that bad. The Stylist arranged with me the 8am call time so that we would be at the church no later than 11am(12pm ceremony). So 15 minutes still gave us plenty of time to drive the maybe 5 minutes to the church and get dressed before the big shindig. WRONG!

Let me explain a bit more about the situation. I paid a nice amount of money, actually cheaper than a family friend charges for a bridal party, and I think I only got mediocre service. I'm no perfectionist, I mean, I did my own makeup with the help of my friends and new sister-in-law. But there is some things that are expected that I didn't think we received on this "purchase." The stylist brought in her co-owner/co-worker, which helped the call time be later. If they were not down for helping that morning, all five of us would've been at the salon at 530AM, so I am thankful they we willing! Also, I paid X amount of dollars to get up to six people's hair done, but there was only five of us, so I figured that would just be a nice extra tip for their pocket to be used towards whatever.

I was discouraged two weeks before this day, since the stylist told me that it would be at least an hour per person, which I thought was craziness! Our family friend recently did my little brother's wedding, which was the same amount of girls as mine (bride+4). She did five updo's in 30 minutes! I was reassured it was to give some extra time in case something had to be changed.

We arrived, and the two stylist started working. It was nice that they supplied some type of breakfast for us, which was nice. I tried to eat, but I think the fact that I realized I was getting married later, my nerves got the best of me. The first hour pasts, and they are still working on the first two people's hair. Finally at 10AM one of them finished and started on the next person. Meanwhile, the co-stylist is still working on his first person. I start to freak out, so I focus on my makeup, which I never wear. Jason's sister was a great help, even though she did hardly anything.

1045am, Co-stylist finishes with his first head of hair, and honestly he did barely anything. They styled her hair, looked it over, and decided it wasn't what they wanted. Not my bridesmaid, but the Co-stylist. So they started over. UGH! I tried my best to relax, but I was starting to sweat it a lot, especially since I didn't want to keep people waiting. Plus, I was hungry, and knew there was Bar-B-Q waiting for me! So Jason's sister is next, and they decide to do a French Twist (GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH). Easy Peasy, right? They curled her hair!?! Why would you curl it for a do that needs to be smooth?

11AM, I finally get my turn in the hot seat. At this point, I'm praying the Stylist just gets it done, but she needed a cigarette break! SERIOUSLY!?! I was promised if we were there at 8am that morning, we would be out of there by 11am. IT'S ELEVEN!
Co-stylist- What time are you guys suppose to be there(at the church)?
Me- Eleven.
Co-Stylist- What time is it now?
Me- Eleven

So they curl my hair, let them set, and I was finished before Jason's sister. Seriously, a French Twist is easy! Why is it taking that long to pin hair and curl wispies? So my hair & makeup is done, three of the four have makeup and hair, and I'm trying my best to wait so we all can go over together. Jason's sister gave me the ok to take off to the church, as long as someone stayed with her. I felt horrible, along with angry and nervous.
Co-Stylist- I'm just pinning right now, it will go fast.
Stylist- Yeah, that's the easy part of the twist, the pinning.
Sister- (Glare)

So three of us leave, get to church, and dress quickly. I feel like we are completely holding up the whole ceremony! I actually cried a little because of my frustration and feeling I had no control over the situation. Then the two others arrive. I give my gifts, help them get dressed, and we line up in the hallway. During this time I had no clock to look at, so I kept thinking the worst.

The music starts, and it hits me, this isn't rehearsal anymore. Maid #1 goes, then Maid #2, then #3, #4, and then my three year old niece. My Dad and I approach the doors, and I start to tear up. "I'm on my Dad's arm, this is real." The music starts, and we enter. "Oh, I have you on the wrong side," my Dad remarks. "So let's trade," and we did a do-si-do. I'm in near tears, but trying to hold my composer. My Dad's voice cracks as he announces he and my mother are giving me away. I loose it! Jason meets me, helps me up the stairs and to where the preacher is. Next thing I know we are saying "I Do" and then our vows. Next the presenting of rings, or wings in our case(family tradition/joke). Light the candle and then presented as Mr. & Mrs!


I barely remember key parts of that day, like how I even got in my dress. I'm so grateful for my family and friends that were there to share that moment with us. We didn't do some "traditional" or normal wedding things, but it still was an amazing day!

I'm also thankful for the Car Show that happened to be that weekend, and can hardly wait to see our pictures! Most of all we both are very happy that we got to spend time with our family that weekend, even if it was only for a few moments at a time.

So I'm married... Still can't completely believe it. Jason and I are still adjusting to the new titles we have for one another, and he's adjusting to his ring. I will try to post pictures on here, as an update to this one, or a new entry.

Less than 100

And I'm pretty sure I'm nowhere close to being prepared for it at all. Roughly three months until Jason and I tie that knot, and I'm not even sure what we have been doing during this time. I'm trying hard not to stress out, because I know some things we won't be able to be sure of until later, but I can't help but think and feel that I'm behind some how.

My dress should be arriving soon, which I can hardly wait to put it on. I still need shoes and other things, but my dress will make my decisions a little more easier to make once I have it. Or at least I think it will. Jason has gone to look at tuxes, but nothing concrete that I know of as of late. I knows the style, but that's about it.

I'm getting the invitations done, all I need are the stamps at this point. They should be arriving tomorrow, if not Saturday. Then off the invitations go! Jason wanted to help with them, but due to time and me not getting out there until after the 20th, I sat down and did them. I was shocked that we are gonna get to save a bit of money on stamps, since they are lighter than most invites and within the size requirements for the standard rate.

I got back on track about working out, even started a new routine. First week I worked out five days, even though my goal was at least do cardio all seven days. Then week two started out strong, but come Tuesday I have a fever, sore throat and cough, which I'm still battling it seems. I am hardly ever sick like this, and this week I was suppose to be getting ready for a yard sale on Saturday. I just pray I wake up tomorrow feeling at 90% so I'm able to be more functional. Also, I want to get back into my routine!

I still am on the prowl for employment. After my last interview in Flagstaff, I'm a bit discouraged about looking there as an out-of-state applicant. Since then I have been applying to more jobs in the Phoenix area than even anywhere in California. I guess mostly because Jason is already there, and he's a little discouraged about the market and cost of living out here. Also, Phoenix is only 1.5-2 hours south of Flagstaff. We are both just looking to God to show us where we are to be. I may start being more serious about jobs here in California, I'm praying about one up North, not sure I should apply or not. But a job is a job, and this chick needs one!

I mostly started this blog entry because I cannot fall asleep at all it seems. For the last week I have been up until early morning, sometimes even dawn, for no reason. I mean I feel tired, I get into to bed and just lay there no longer tired. Or toss and turn all night and get maybe five hours. It's probably because I have been sick, but doesn't your body heal better when you actually sleep? In the past when I've been sick, I usually crash for hours, but this go around I'm bright eyed until morning. I still function for the most part like any other day, even with lack of sleep. I really hope I'm not starting go develop some horrible sleep pattern or disorder.

I should try to close my eyes...

The Jitters

I have done my best, for the last two days at least, to not think about my interview tomorrow. I have even tried to keep myself busy by looking at wedding things and talking to my sister and bridesmaids. But now, I have done everything I needed to do, and can't help be get caught up with the thoughts of what to expect tomorrow.

Jason is going up there with me tomorrow, along with two of our friends. So it will be a full car, and hopefully that will help with my nerves.