Sunday, October 28, 2007

"I can't do this!"

So I attempted to go to Evening Service tonight...Yes, only attempted, but made two good efforts. I know this is a big cop out, and I mean big, but I pulled into the parking lot, about 30minutes before hand and there were only 5 cars...FIVE! "I know Baptist are late, but this is crazy!" I comment to Jason a we leave in hope of a 15 minute road trip towards snow bowl and back would give us more time for people to show...NOPE! Actually, upon our return, a car had left. I understand Flagstaff is considered small in comparison to my place of birth, so small congregations are expected, but not that small. I do realize that less people go to service in the evening, since they got enough God time in the morning, which I disagree with completely. But Evening Worship is, in most cases, more relaxed and casual than Morning. And yes Melanie, I got your text, and did go, but not successfully.

Homecoming was this weekend, and I was actually regretting it. Mostly because I had a long Friday, and was hoping for big things on Saturday. Saw people I haven't seen in about two years, held a new life(which made me miss home), and wear my beard once again. I still have to find one for Halloween, come on, I can be a pretty good looking Dude Lebowski.

I'm looking forward to this week going by, cause then I'll only be a week away from being home...SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

Friday, October 26, 2007

So I've been in an angry mood since yesterday. I was so pissed off that I couldn't even sleep, and it keeps piling on. It takes a lot to truly anger me, cause me to actually be somewhat rude, at least now a days. I spent 8 hours in the print shop last night, from 2:30 to 10pm. Went home, called a friend, decided to take a shower, dress like a lady (heels included) and hit the town. And of course check the email...Got told that I was planning on being in the office early this morning...too bad I really wanted to sleep in.

But my so called friend decide to be lame, and not get ready, so I just left. Went to Uptown with another friend(who happens to be the roommate), enjoyed picking on John and talking to Nancy, and then got some food and went back to their apartment. I can usually fall right to sleep, but knowing how pissed I was, I couldn't. But I could have easily walked 10 feet and talked to him about it. Even when he came into the living room, he wanted to talk, but I was being too stubborn.

I woke up pissed, went home, chilled a bit, and went to work...More crap! And my day isn't over yet. I'm trying really hard to relax and just let go...please pray that I do.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I guess I'm at that age...

So I get pretty bored at work, especially when there is no one around, including my bosses. So I get online, look at Facebook and Myspace, and sometimes find some interesting people or those I haven't seen in years. This time, I started looking at my inbox, and deleting some cause I obviously don't talk to some of these people anymore, and there is no point in keeping emails from them, but some I still wish I had a friendship with. So I check on them, one being my buddy David from Junior English. He cracked me UP!

So I look at his pictures, cause to me that shows what they've been doing with their lives...and I come across a picture of someone I've known since kindergarten. STEVE!!! He was funny too, and I've have great memories of him from elementary school when he got kick in the face during kickback, yes Kickback. Or when we had Freshmen English and he asked if my Mom still drove a bus, which it wasn't a bus, it was a 15 passenger van. Anyway, the caption of the pic said that he got married! Holy Crap! The kid drove a beautiful blue mustang, in which I got to ride in a few times, and he was (still is) cute as heck. I never talked to him, cause he always had a girlfriend, or at least the same one. I thought I saw him this Summer as I was driving to Noelle's one day, but thought it would be a bit odd to yell his name out the window when I haven't seen him since 2004. But I'm really happy for him. And the funny thing is he married a girl I did cross country with, Loran. I'm glad they found each other...

I'll be 24 in January, almost a quarter of a century, but not quite. But I guess it's that age in which people find love. It' makes sense, most people have their undergrad done, and looking to change the world or make money off of it. So companionship is desired even more, thus rings are exchanged, knots tied, and creating new life with the help of God. I often wonder, if I had stayed in California, how my life would be? I feel a bit behind, and always have since fourth grade when I got sick. But what if I had stayed, went to Cal State Long Beach, got my degree in Athletic Training, would I be happy? Or find that one? It seems that a lot of people I have grown up with stayed close to home, and now have new families. I know God brought me to Arizona for a reason, and He's gonna take me somewhere else very soon...it's in His great plan for me. I've met pretty amazing people, and some that just suck. But the good out weighs the bad.

I'm just curious sometimes, and I know Paul that I should just focus on school, which I am. I'm on track in all my classes, well except Jewelry cause I'm lost on what to do next, but really debating on doing a belt buckle of copper or a simple band. Anyway, I guess I'm just concerned for the future, cause I'm coming quick to that fork in the road, and know where to turn, yet worried for pleasant distractions. I know that the distraction is something I want, but not sure I want it during that current path change. But it's in God's hands, and I guess theirs too, whoever they are.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

One and two and three....

Why do I feel so fat? I mean, I like my body, I really do, but I do realize that their is better. I'm not trying to say I need to loose 50 lbs, or change my diet completely. I like food a bit too much and find myself enjoying the greasier side of it. But I feel run down, out of energy, and weak. And for those of you that have been in my presence for quite some time, know that I hate being considered weak.

I have a very strong will and along with that I'm pretty stubborn, so I've been told. But physically I've been strong, I did pole vault in high school, but that was also many moons ago. I don't want to be a typical person and state that I wish I was the same weight as I was then. The only thing I wish about High School is that I was the same bust size instead of the size I am now. Only cause that's what people seem to pay attention to.

Anyway, I can remember when all I did was work out, at least 5 days a week with my coaches. I need to get back into that. For a moment I thought of registering for the International City 5k, which is in Long Beach during Veteran's Weekend, in which I would be home. But at last, I have done nothing, not even run a mile, and if I was to even try, I know that I would feel worse than I did after doing that half marathon in 2001.

So starting today, for real, I'm getting back on my abs and push-ups routine, and after Friday, I'm gonna start going to the gym early in the morning to do cardio and lifting. I'm kinda hoping to tone up for the wedding in March, cause my legs could use some work. But I'm really hoping to be more energized and healthy.

I've been feeling a bit lonely, or at least I felt that way last week. I got a bit of attention the other day, which helped, even though it was just for a moment, but I wouldn't trade it. I've been missing my Grandpa as well. I'm getting better about knowing he's not really gone, and that I'll see him soon, but it still hurts a bit. That man always made me feel important, and I never felt like I was a screw up, at least not to him and my Grandma. I know they saw my faults, but saw the more important things within me, and my success before I even got a glimpse of it. He was pretty amazing to be around, and just lit up a room with his presence. "this little light of mine" just popped into my head after writing that. He was a light for God, and it always shined and was so bright that everyone saw it.

I can't wait for this weekend. Homecoming is Saturday, which will only be enjoyed once the Slightly Stoopid Concert is over on Friday, but still will be enjoyed. BUT! Sunday, Jason and I might venture to University of New Mexico, Albuquerque to see Dethklok. Who's Dethklok? They are a fictional band, on Metalocalypse, a show featured on Adult Swim. They are playing for free at UNM, and it's only six hours and not on a school day. I know it's stupid, but Jason and I both have been wanting to get out of Flagstaff and do something exciting. Yes, bowling is exciting, especially when I fall while doing it, only once, but there is more to explore and experience. Let's hope that we don't get out there for nothing...

Monday, October 22, 2007

I'm Freakin' Out MAN!

So I decide to ditch school completely today, even though after awhile, I realized that I missed more than a demo, which Dave didn't do cause no one has a plate ready. But I needed the break, and the attention I got. After last week, that was a great way to end it, and start this one.

So the Pink Floyd Laser Show was crazy! I mean, I wasn't trippin' on drugs, but still was kinda freakin' out. But I did enjoy myself, even more when wearing the biker beard Jason got me at Spencer's. The beard, I can't describe it more than AMAZING. Even my boss had fun with it, or at least making fun of me for wearing it. I wanted it cause Jason and I were planning on going to a beard party, didn't happen, but did go downtown with it. Janice said I looked like Santa Clause, and Jen said I looked creepy like dear Zach G. But I have to find another one if I'm gonna be "the Dude'' for Halloween. Even if I have to glue it to my face.

I love driving, and wish I could afford to drive more than I already do. I mean the windy road of the I-17 made me think of how many people just pass beautiful things, yet never take the time to really look. Made me think about my show...I know "arizona highways." But it's so cool, to see how much the scenery changes coming from Tucson all the way back to Flagstaff. It's lame that I'm actually thinking of doing Landscapes, but I'm being drawn to it very much. Or at least at this moment.

My pursuit of higher education came up again today, which I've never felt so clear about any school related thing since changing to Printmaking. Yes, it's more time and money, but to me it's worth it. Finish here at NAU, travel somewhere else and get my MFA, and find a job teaching on a collegiate level. Even when I was a Athletic Training major, I wanted to work with college athletes. And just a few years ago, I was offered a position at Cerritos if I obtained my MFA in Ceramics from Portigal, and I was willing to do that to have a job on that level. But with both of those, I wasn't as passionate about them as I am with Printmaking. Like Dave says "it's like retirement, but even better." I'm gonna start researching soon, cause I'll need to apply over the Summer and the start of next Fall. I'm more confident of my selections at this moment, but will see in the long run where God puts me.

Friday, October 19, 2007

I got my edition done, or at least eleven of the fifty I'm gonna try to do. It's gonna be a lot of paper and time, but worth the sweat. I really could go for a deep tissue message right about now.

I'm excited for my next zinc plate. It's viscosity, which I think I'll like a lot better than the multiple plates and such. All though the reversal one was pretty sweet. With Viscosity, you use one plate, but have three layers of areas, and use three different rollers and inks. I'm using half a zinc plate, which is 12 x 9 at least. That's the biggest I've ever done in terms of Intaglio.

For litho, once I grain my stone out, I'm gonna start doing xerox transfer, which means I get to use photography in a sense. I'm VERY excited for that, cause I'm hoping it leads me to use it along with Serigraphy in my show. I think I'm going to really incorporate my life, ie Family and Friends, in my show. But that's still up in the air, at least for a few more months. But I want something I will be very passionate about, and the things I hold close are my Family/Friends and Faith...The three F's. I kinda like that, but I have to experiment first. So I might be asking for photos from ya'll.

It feels weird not to work tonight, but I'm glad for the break. But yet, I'm lost on how to spend my evening. Hopefully bowling, or some Buster Bowls are in order. HAHAHA Bowling makes me think of my costume for All Hallows Eve! See if you can guess...it's gonna be amazing!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I should be napping.

But I have too many thoughts running though my head.

I was walking through campus today, and noticed a few Pro-life activists with their 65 x 50'' plywood boards, showing the outcomes of an abortion, even when it's the first trimester. I simply nodded or smiled at them as I passed, and was grateful for the way they are displaying these issues. No yelling "dead or murder," or other plain rude things to passer bys, just silent, giving information to those who asked. But as I walked past the bookstore, I began to think, I support them because of my beliefs, are they Christians as well? I would like to say yes, but with the changes of society throughout my upbringing, I can't make such accusations. Life begins when two people decide to have sex, in my opinion, not necessarily when they do the deed. They made the choice to have unprotected sex, whether or not with the intent of conceiving a new life. But are these people just supportive of my thoughts because they see it as a life, not because of Faith? This is when I wish I was stronger about speaking up.

I'm almost finished with my bracelet, but within the 20 minutes it took me to get home I've lost my stone. I really feel stupid for losing it, especially since it's due...let's hope it's in my truck, and not in the stomach of one of the dogs. But I'll soon post images of my jewelry and prints. Be warned, some are a bit "tasteful."

Uptade:315pm- Crazy Dream, just wished it was real.
Please pray for me, I'm doing 50 hours this week. And tonight and Saturday are gonna be the worst! Work, then class til 2pm, meeting at 3pm, class until crit is over, then up to proch to do security and load out. So I won't get home until after midnight...with no naps in between...Kinda hoping I find someone to take my place tonight, cause I have to finish my 21 x 15 edition for tomorrow...

I miss you! Even if I don't know you yet.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Lower your expectations of earth. This isn't heaven, so don't expect it to be. - Max Lucado

I've stated before how I have passages sent to my email everyday, but lately I haven't been taking the time to actually read and study them. Today's was Psalm 4, which talks about putting trust in the Lord, which made me think. I do trust the Lord and know that He will always keep me safe, but yet I don't ignore those lies and worthless things on this earth. I know it's my flesh that desires these empty things, though my spirit strives for more enriching rewards.


I'm so grateful right now, at least for the fact that I have unlimited texts on my plan. I currently, though my bill period doesn't end until November 1st, have sent and received 327 messages. That's 127 more of what I normal use, until I met Melanie and a few other people. It's crazy, cause I have almost 2000 roll over minutes, yet I don't even try to call people. I'm kinda shocked right now...

Once again, I didn't attend church, though Jason and I drove into the parking lot of First Southern Flagstaff at 5pm yesterday to see when service started. But I think that since we just ate, and went back to his apartment, I allowed myself to just fall asleep. Why am I so weak? I know that I have to be submissive to Him, but I'm still being the stubborn mule...hahaha RHOADES MULE BARN! Sorry something I remember from when I was little, I'll get back on track. He has time for me, but yet I am leaning more toward the "I don't." I did read today, which is wonderful, but I didn't study really hard on it. I need to find something to hook me, like the Book of Daniel did...

I'm feeling more and more home sick...well kinda. I don't think I can categorize it as being that, but I do miss people away from this little city. I need to get away, and I thought that maybe these two weekends would be the vacations I need, but last weekend crashed and burned, and this one is still on the fence...weaving to and fro.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

It's not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness. - Charles Spurgeon

Who knew that Hockey would be that much excitement? Last night NAU's Ice Jacks played ASU, and won 6 - 4. My heart started pumping as soon as I got up against the glass. My hands are still hurting from pounding against it. Made me think of when my brothers and I played street hockey with those from the neighborhood. Yea, Rollerblades are a lot different than ice skates, but we still had the skills needed to kick some butt.

I haven't been this lost for words in awhile. Probably cause I sit in my empty room, with Windex falling asleep on my bed, pondering what I would be doing back home, if I had gone...My Dad called me yesterday as I was printing to see if I had left yet, I wanted to cry. I almost regret not going, seeing my Monkeys and hugging my Mom, and all the other things that probably would have happened. But I'll try for November, and I ain't talking just Thanksgiving...

I guess I should go print my Intaglio, do my first etch on my 15x21 litho, and start my next image...since I stalled on my journal.

Thursday, October 11, 2007



So last night, Janice and I decide to go get cookies to bake, and some flowers for our dearest Susie (Account Manager at work). We spent about five minutes looking at the arrangements, and decided to get her something that will continually grow. Orchids I hold very close, not as close as my beloved Plumerias, but a good second place.

They remind me someone so important and dear to me, and always will. She grew the most amazing orchids, and had the patience for their stressful needs. My Grandma has been a big influence on my life, along with my Grandpa of course. They both have taught me how to love, not just family, but everyone. They loved each other so much, it was amazing, and I hope to have that type of relationship as well with my future husband. But not only did they love each other and all of us, but before they loved us they loved God. Some of you might think that's a bit odd, especially now a days. But my Grandparents were great servants of God, and put him before everyone else, yet still had enough of that love and attention for those around to experience it.

I bought some for myself along with Susie. They are Moth Orchids, and supposedly easy to care for and great for beginners. Mine currently has eight blooms and one bud, and surprisingly no sent. I'm excited to have a plant, though only a simple bloom, but still a wonderful creation of God...like me.

Caught off guard...Big time

So I sit here at work once again, bored, listening to Fiona Apple's It's Not About Love, Mostly because of the fact that Zach is in the video, and the song grows on you. Anyway, someone great comes into my office asking me a vague favor..."here let's go into my office instead." With the changes of Union Staff, I might be taking up some new responsiblities. The first thing I thought of was that they really trust me, and that I'm honored that they even thought of me. It hasn't been finalized, at least not through my direct Supervior Tom, but the Silver Fox seems to think it's a good thing. I miss Jim...

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I am a sponge...

I soak up as much informations as possible! So this gentleman from New Mexico decided to grace us with his presence, his name is Michael Hendrix...he's a white dude. But he brings beautiful stones to sell to us poor art students looking to make amazing jewelry and sculptures in precious metals...But he did so much more than just sell his hard work, he show some of us how to actually cut stones. AMAZING, and I'm so excited to do my first piece tomorrow morning! But he also shared his life stories and just ate them all up...going back tomorrow to do some more!

I really wanna!

Go home this weekend. I realize that I won't have any available weekends, until Thanksgiving or even when I come home for Winter Break and Gregg's Graduation. Plus, if I go home now, I'll get the break I've been needing this past few weeks. Yes, I have school work to do, and it all has to be finished a week from today...But it's a week. Seriously, if I finish all my images for Litho, which means finish drawing a etching my figure, and finish my a la pupae piece for Intaglio on Monday, and my bracelet on Monday as well, it should be all good, right?

I was talking to one of my great friends this week about our blogs. People saying it's too personal, and to be care about what we write on them, though there appears to be nothing foul or even worse appearing on it. It's personal, cause it's mine. It's my place to share and express myself. I like writing my thoughts, and when they are too personal, they go in my journal that no one reads. I love being able to share with those still in California, I found out recently that even my Dad reads my blog. I'm not good about talking on the phone, or even calling people. I would rather write a letter or email telling them I'm ok or even just thinking about them. Some of you have experienced this with my texts...

Pray that I make the right decision tomorrow...California or Arizona.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Just for your information...if you care to know

What a strange, yet amazing weekend. Friday was Seinfeld, which I only laughed like four times, and it was in reference to kids and a Reunion for the cast. Got to see some familiar faces, and enjoyed actually getting some time to talk to them for a moment.

Then it was The Place with Jason and Gabe, and an over whipped creamed waffle with strawberries and a touch of blueberry syrup. It was so good, and my first bit was that of the weightless delight. Back to their apartment we go, to enjoy so season one of Heroes, which I fell asleep as soon as I got horizontal on that couch of theirs. It's been hard not to go over there, even at like two in the afternoon, and not begin to drift off in to that wondrous sleep.

My weekend was pretty uneventful, minus skipping Tour de Fat and feeling like a child with fighting parents at dinner. I really should have gone to see the leaves change, but it's just leaves, and Heroes was more important. But yet I didn't think going to Church was important. I really was going to go, but spent the most of my Sunday sleeping, getting Janice's car out of jail, and watching Heroes with Jason. I thought I would go to evening service, but I didn't get home until 5pm, and did laundry, rather than grab my chewed Bible and heading somewhere. But did get into a great discussion with Jason, like always, about our struggles with our Faith. We might start going together...please pray about that.

An update on Janice's sister: She finally came home, after her Mom and Dad saw her at a house. She did try to commit suicide, was unsuccessful, but things are still a bit sketchy. Janice was really upset, and I was glad to be there to talk to her about it. Family is hard sometimes, but it gets better as I see it.

So here I sit at work, thinking about my weekend. It's only Tuesday, but my weekend may start as early as Thursday. This is a hard decision for me, since so many things factor into it.

1.) Drive 7+ to California(which puts 1000+ miles on my 20 year old truck), see family and great friends, play paintball with my brothers, go to my amazing church, and head back to Flagstaff early Monday.


2.) Stay in Arizona, finish my three editions that are due the following Wednesday and Thursday, and the stupid bracelet that is due Wednesday as well. But go to the State Fair in Phoenix, and stuff my face with delicious, unhealthy foods, and look at country boys(if there are any).

3.) Stay in Flagstaff, and just work on my pieces, and enjoy the cool weather.

Oh decisions....at least I don't have to look for a dress anymore...THANK YOU RHONDA!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Please Pray...

My roommate is having a really hard time this last two weeks. Her sister's boyfriend OD, and died, but it was a bit scetchy about his situation a bit. So her sister allegedly tried to kill herself a few days ago, yet no one seem to remember which facility they took her to, if they actually did. My roommate spent her day calling all the emergency rooms in Kingman and surrounding areas, and no luck. Someone made a comment that she's ok, she's with Isaac now, which is Mr. OD. So my roommate is worried, and the only person she really wanted to talk to yesterday wouldn't call her back, which just adds to her stress. So please pray for her. This is my roommate that I've been trying to go to church with her since last semester, but we find excuses. Maybe this Sunday we'll actually go...No we'll go.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Comform!

So, I'm a Candle Lighter, as I've stated before, for my sister, Rhonda's Wedding in March. So I haven't been looking for dresses, kinda really like the one the picked for the Maids, but I'm wearing a completely different color (pastel pink) than the whole bridal party. My "responsibilities" are shared with one other person, who is having a hard time with the fact that we are to look like we belong in the wedding, yet not to be confused with one of the BRIDE's maids. It's not my Wedding, so I can't really say yes or no to her ideas for us, but to me, they just sound wrong. At least she and myself should like a like, at least when it comes to the dress. But she's kinda determined on being separate. "your's being floor length, and mind shorter." RAYLENE doesn't do Floor length! and probably only will on her wedding day. Also, a floor length dress is not something to be worn for a March Wedding that involves a Bounce House. I would rather just have the same as the Maids, and it be done, and be something I know my sister agrees on. But she has to tell me and this other person what she wants. I really like the dress! To the point that I would want to wear it again, even to a fancy dinner or date. Hey I just would look amazing in it as I bounce in the bounce house...Just saying.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I deserve the Nun's slap with a ruler...

But I'm not Catholic. Yet, I do feel guilty, thanks to Melanie. I'm not blaming her for my guilt, cause I'm the one that's not holding myself accountable. I seem to be making excuses. Yes, my new found reading was tragically eaten by my roommates clumsy Rottweiler, but I have access to the Internet, which allows me to read from my version and 50 others. So what did I do once I got to work today? Logged on, check emails, myspace, Facebook, and then read Revelation 12 and 21. Why 12 and 21? Mostly cause I read Mel's bulletin wrong, but both passages are very strong, and somewhat rewarding.

I love history, and I think that's why I was actually(at one point), seeking a degree in Theology. Maybe I'll go back and get it...from Liberty of course. But after reading those two chapters of Revelation, I'm eager to see the events told come to life. Like a story book wedding, that so many girls unlike me, dream of. I often wonder if I will be present during the unravellings that lead to the second coming. It's like a long awaited performance, and I can't help but get excited.

I've been doing fairly well with school and work. My hours are still minimal, but I'm not starving and penniless. My Jewelry class is cake, at least right now. My bangel is almost done, and I only worked on it yesterday. Yes, I took a few short cuts, ie using the metal cutter up in Printmaking to cut my silver and cooper, rather than sawing it out by hand. But I milled my own shame for around my stone, rather than just getting one from the teacher. Printmaking is still a challenge, but I'm coasting right through them. Trying my best to just learn the technique, and not spend weeks on my plates. It's hard, but has to be done!

Work is so crazy this semester! We are actually doing a Dome Show in November. Plus the two other concerts this month, and all out regular events. I'm not sure when I'll have a free weekend to come home, except Thanksgiving.