Let's hope I don't burn the place down

So I caught my sister online this morning, and was kinda hoping to just chat and rant with her a bit, since we don't do enough talking to one another anyway. She asked me to be a candle lighter for her wedding...something I did back in 1998 for my sister Rachael, and I was 14 then. So being 23 I feel a bit old, maybe too old to be in that position, plus I can't wear my cool new brown one I bought. Oh well, I'll still look amazing, I'm sure of it. Plus, Brian's sister would be the other torch bearer, and she's about my age. But I'm sure I will look more like I'm 15 than 23...crap I'll be 24! For those of you that have never heard of Candle Lighters, they are two people, carrying an apparatus with a wick and flame, to light the two candles next to the Unity Candle. In some cases, there are a set of candle la bras placed strategically, on both sides of the Unity Candle, and they two are lit.

So I'm going home, I've decided, but I have yet to decide on my departure date and time. If I leave today, I will beat all the labor day traffic in California, but can't leave until after 4pm. But if I leave early, early, Friday, like 3am, I would get in at 10am and be extremely exhausted, and it's Swim Friday. Oh decisions! Just pray for Windex and I as we travel.

Being lame as usual.

I feel fat. Mostly because it's hard for me to find clothes that fit me and look nice. I'm gonna blame it most on the fact that God has decided to over bless me in the chestale area. Yes, I'm in portion and don't look like a freak, but it means I have to buy larger forms of clothing. I've tried buying smaller sizes, since it's only my bust that seems to be the problem, but I end up looking like I'm wearing clothes from elementary school, or those baby tees that just barely cover one's upper torso. Even dresses are hard to find...I think I just have to get everything tailored.

Well day two of school, and I'm already bored with it. I have three studios and an online, which seems like an overload already. College art classes are always at least two and a half hours long each day, but only 3.0 credit hours. So that's five hours for each class a week, plus outside studio time. I've already finished what was needed intaglio which isn't due until next Wednesday, and Litho I just need to get my pencils. Jewelry I am waiting on my kit, which is gonna cost me 215 dollars. Oh, the price I pay to be an art student. Eh, it's worth it. As Dave put it, "Do you know how many Printers are out there in the world?" Basically telling the whole class that Printers have a better chance at getting a teaching job than any other emphasis...guess I really do need my MFA.

Home has been on my mind a lot, especially with the lack of positives in my life right now. I do complain, or at least did, about being home, but this summer it was actually amazing. To the point that I missed home before I even drove away from the house. But do I leave Flagstaff at 4pm on Thursday, and drive the 7 hours to the LBC? Yes I could stop in Victorville and see the Monkeys, but that would mean I get there just as they're going to bed. It would keep me out of the Labor Day Traffic that would be expected Friday, and I can't leave any earlier due to Lithography.

Relationships have been coming up a lot in my little social circle. I mean, what is it that makes two people want to pursue one another? And after the initial capture, it usually dies down. Why is the chase so more important than the actual reward of something that could be so wonderful? I've been on both ends of that wild hunt for romance, even just recently. But once that first kiss is pressed against my lips, if that even gets to that, I know if this relationship is worth the work, even if they think differently. To tell the truth, I like the thrill of the adventure, but prefer the relationship, if I'm truly feeling it.

Sorry just feeling random...Rev. Lovejoy

Well I got my answer, the hard way. I had a feeling, big time, that they were trying to avoid eye contact. I hate that people just can't be honest with me, especially when they say they care about me, even as a so called friend. Friends don't deceive one another, at least not the one's that are concerned for you almost on a daily basis. I mean, my friend Gabe called me everyday this week, to just check and see how things were going with work and home, even after he let me down last week. It was a bit annoying to get phone calls while in the middle of load-in and striking of stage and roof, but glad to know someone besides my parents were concerned for my well being. But to tell me one thing, and never get back to me, and having to find out from someone else what really happen, sucks balls. Maybe Arizona really isn't where I need to be. Maybe God is showing me that there really isn't much for me out here in the middle of nowhere, which would be a shame and a heart breaker. But you've broken it before, even though you promised to never do it again, and I was just trying to get to know you.

Ok that made me sound really bitter, and at the time I was pissed, and it was like 3am. But with a day of work and class I've cooled down and got my head on straight again. Or at least for now.

It's kinda nice to hear a song you've forgotten about and think about yourself in that position. I have lately been using iTunes to play the music on my computer, rather than Pandora. I have not listened to these songs in almost a year, and one has come on twice in the past 24 hours. It's called "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. The words hit me every time. What would I do when I finally meet God and Christ face to face? As of right now, I would be full of shame, cause of the sin for the past two years that I've allowed to consume me. Yes, I have realized that it is sin and doing better about make the right choices, but right now in my life I feel that I'm not even slightly close to His standards. In all honesty, I think I would cover my mouth and cry...

Finished at 2am...

But yet I'm not mentally tired. The "Welcome Weekend Block Party" for 2007 is officially over, and I'm still ready for more apparently. The past two years I've worked this event, we have stayed as late as 3:30am. I guess I should be thankful for the fact that we did finish as early as we did. Yes, my back is in need of some strong hands, and my knees of replacements, but I expected more. This whole event went so much smoother than before, I believe all the veterans were in disbelief. The bands were ok, I really liked the Suburban Legends, mostly cause they reminded me of Reel Big Fish. Lots of horns, and beats. Still had a few loses, and cut backs, but all was dealt in a reasonable fashion. Let's just say, I was the chill.

I really just want to be a grown up, especially lately. Be done with school, find the man to whom I will love completely and will love me completely too, and start my own family of beautiful children. I often wonder why I haven't been snagged yet. You know: Hook, line, and sinker! I'm such a catch, and I don't think people really see it. I dream so much, probably too much. Very few have seen my potential, my true worth. It's taken me awhile, to really realize that I am a prized catch, but to who? I thought God was blowing the ship's sails in their direction, but is that ship meant to be docked? It's hard to know when the Captain's life, lover, and lady is the sea, and always will be. The morning mist of the salt breeze on his face as he comes from below, the search for unknown treasures always twinkling in his eyes (unless he only has one eye), and the sound of the waves crashing against the pitch covered beams of his starboard, are all things he even just experiences when thinking of this marvelous woman. How often will he be able to tell these tales of her if he allows himself to be tied in the lonely harbor? His heart knows that there is adventure in those deep waters, but stays in shallow waters, as if letting another take his only treasure, knowing deep down inside that no other should have that bountiful fortune.

I just hope people haven't stopped thinking about me, cause it's hard for me not to think about them...

I couldn't wait...

It's hard to hold one's tongue when it comes to wrong things, especially when you have two really spiteful roommates. I've been trying not to step on toes, and wait until we have our so called "house meeting" Sunday night, but today was too much. I understand you're moving, and I understand that you don't have the money for things, but think about the rest of the household. Be respectful of those other people living with you. People now a days, seem to not use common sense or even respect for those around them. I give so much respect to people, and do what is needed if not more, but never do I get it back. I just hope this isn't gonna bite me later, cause I can't handle it right now.

Someone told me that I have a lot of crushes, what the heck does that mean? I'm twenty-three, attractive in more than one way, and do have eyes. Just cause say someone is cute, doesn't mean I'm on them or attempting to be. There are a lot of attractive guys out there, and I will make my comments to those around me, but deep down I'm a chicken. I barely can say hello to people, so what makes you think I'll even wave to them? It kinda makes me feel like I just move from one to another. How can one move if there was no starting point? It's been a few years since I have had a decent long term relationship, and really miss that. So in away I'm looking at the potential prospects of that, but then again, I'm only looking. No action has been taken, and right now I don't have time. Which sucks!

I should really take tomorrow off...

Pick, pick, pick....

Today was a little bit better, I think mostly because I helped someone move, which helped me with my stress. Plus, somethings were done by my bosses to help me out with this so called BLOCK PARTY. I never want to do it again, just like everyone else involved.

I was gonna call someone today, just to pick their brain, since I feel like they give good perspectives and advise, at least when it comes to me. But I have not talked to this person in over a week, and know they are probably busy being a student at the moment. I don't want to bother them, but then again I do. But I can't dial the number...can't even let it ring cause they might answer, and I'm not ready, or at least don't feel ready for that "howdy." Even now my heart flutters just thinking about it.

I called my Mom and Becca out of frustration, once again, today. I told them both of my plans of maybe changing schools to finish my degree. I'm sick of the crap I've been given time and time again with those who surround me. Constant let down, even from those that I consider good friends. Oddly, when telling my Mom, she mentioned Tucson...Not sure why, but did. Maybe she thinks there is something out here in Arizona for me, but just not in Flagstaff? I'm not sure what she meant by mentioning it, but she did. So where would I go? I already looked into CSULB and CSUN, since they have printmaking, and they aren't that far from home. I just have to let Him show me the direction...at least with home I would have a job already, and a great one at that.

Why does religion always get me fired up? Mostly when those question my faith and/or beliefs and church teachings. Some random dude IMed me yesterday. Seemed cool, from Alabama, and looking to move this way. I don't usually talk to strangers, especially online. Today he messaged me once again, but brought up religion, since I had told him prior that I'm So. Baptist. He apparently is Methodist which is fine, just not a doctrine I completely agree with. But he seems to be telling me that my church and self should be more open minded when it comes to the Lord's Supper, simply because we don't practice it at every service. It's sacred yes, but not the focus of my beliefs. The Resurrection and preparing the world for the Second Coming are, at least with me, what our focus should be when it comes my walk with God. And to bring up the use of instruments is lame. Why should we be limited on what we use to praise Him? Yes my church has a nice, wide variety of these items, from the grand piano to electric guitars and hand bells. What's wrong with that? I'm sure if God thought it was a bad idea, our church would suffer in some way. As Josh Turner puts it, "He rules the world with a staff and a rod." I just hope I was a good witness.

Can I come home?

Seriously! I just want to pack up and leave. I can't believe how mean people have been to me in the past three days. People I thought were my friends apparently aren't. They would rather be rude to me in front of certain people, to impress them? That's lame! I get worked just as hard as some of the grounds people, yet I should pitty them for working 10 hours for me for a concert? I will be putting in 19 that day, so give me a little slack please.

What if I did move home? It would be cheaper, at least when it comes to school. But would I be happier there? I would have an awesome job, but would lose an awesome instructor. And would any of the schools back in California have what I need in terms of Printmaking? I really doubt that one.

PULL!

I never thought I would have spend my Sunday afternoon slinging clay. I shot two rifles and a hand gun...Really felt like a cowgirl when Mark let me fire off his Winchester. I have the bruise to prove it, and I'm gonna wear it with honor come tomorrow. I really enjoyed shooting Beau's auto, and did pretty well with it. But I mostly enjoyed throwing the discs, and I'm a natural. I should really go take some pain killers...I think I just made my bad shoulder worse. But it felt good to be called by my Groundie name again. I love Seth and Waylon!

So I didn't venture out to this morning, mostly cause I had a late night. Went to the usual place with the usual people, and some I haven't seen in over two months. It was nice knowing I still don't have to show my ID to Uptown, and I rarely go there! But it did make me realize why I'm in Flagstaff, and that I'm not as lonely as I thought I was. Plus, who knew that you could lose five pounds dancing at Collins?

A lot of pondering and talkin' to people this weekend, just has caused me to question a lot of things in my life. Like why do I try to hold on to people that obviously don't want me? Doesn't mean I'm not good enough, or worthy of their presence, just not of their interest at this moment. Sucks for them, cause I'm pretty amazing to have around. Also, why do I allow myself to be taken on the same ride time and time again with most of the boys I date? Why give them the chance when I already know it will lead to disappointment? I shouldn't have to go through things like that in order to grow.

Lately I've been saying to people I need a boyfriend, kinda in a joking matter, but holding some truth. I don't need someone, but it would be nice. I haven't had a "boyfriend" since January, and honestly I've been happy without one, which is a shock. Technically, I have been talking to someone during that time, but it's just talking and wishing it seems. It would be nice to go out on a date, hold someone else's hand, and maybe get a kiss or two. I miss that type of intimacy from someone who cares for me.

Why does it seem like everyone and their mom is getting engaged and/or married? And I'm just even including my sister Rhonda in that, cause I'm being more from my age group. Lately I feel like I'm behind, but I shouldn't feel that way. So why do I?

A quater tank later...

Joe and I wasted just about that much gas driving around in my truck today. Where were we going? I had no idea, but we did it I guess. Drove as far East before we lost cell phone reception. evaluated the Eastside Safeway, which the one on Ceder is still the better one. Found people's houses and began plotting some evil doings, and almost died at Casa Bonita. That's the last time I go there...Unless it's for Friday Lunch.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. Church once again, but somewhere else. I haven't picked which one to attend yet, at least I know it won't be East Valley or that other one out in the boonies. It's about distant that Mid Cities is from my house in the hood, but I doubt that they have what I'm hungry for.

Just pray...there is a lot going on. Pray that I let Him handle it instead of on my own.

Pondering...Hey Brain?

I got a new little toy! Well thanks to my sister Becca that is. A law was passed this summer(so it has a year to go in effect) back home, banning the use of cell phones while driving unless you are using a hands free device. So I was looking into getting one for myself, especially when I do long trips home, which I hope to make another one sometime soon...My sister called me on hers the end of last week, and explained to me its coolness. And thanks to her, I now have one as well, and really do like it. It's a Jabra BT160. I haven't really gotten to test it out, except on Janice, but I'm glad I at least have one now. Now I just have to figure out where on the website to be able to design my own little paper thingy that is inside.

Lately I've been getting the feeling that people think I'm intimidating and I don't understand why? Even with my friends' girlfriends, so how I'm a threat? Really, if I wanted them to be more than a friend, I think that would have happened long ago. What do I have to prove to people that I'm not interested in more than friendship? I'm getting really tired of hearing how upset my friend is because you're jealous of nothing! That's what it is, NOTHING!

I was told recently that I'm two faced, more in the sense that I have two personalities. Sunday or when my faith is involved, I'm a innocent Christian(which is an oxymoron anyway), and living life in the shadows of sin the other six days. I really don't feel like that is a good representation of myself, at least at this moment of my life. Yes, before I left Flagstaff, I was somewhat bound by my sin and no desire to really change it. But being home those six weeks I was able to see and desire the changes I'm working on. One does not change over night, and not for anyone but themselves...at least in most cases. God was pulling on me, but He wasn't the only one that showed me that lit path that I now crave. I was able to surround myself with my peers during that time I was back in the LBC, but chose those who also walk that narrow path that very few do now a days. And honestly, that's what I want here in Flagstaff, but finding it hard to do so.

School has been on my mind a lot lately, mostly about how long it's gonna take me to finish, and the cost. Do I really need my degree? Or does it really have to be my Bachelor's in Fine Arts? I just want to finish, and over a year seems too long...There are so many directions I could go right now, all with great rewards as I climb over those peaks. But which is the one He wants for me?

Now I can breathe

Ok, it's been awhile, but at least I haven't forgotten about this little thing I've started. Life just seemed to explode causing me to have only time to sleep, and I'm not complaining.

Sunday I went to church, or at least 'Morning Service.' I tried the one closest to my current residence, which was Bethal Baptist. I invited a friend, which may or may not have been a good idea. I mean he cussed in service, and was braggin' about the non-Christian behaviors that he has adopted as his own. Anyway... I shook about 15 people hands before the service even started, talk about friendly. Even talked to both pastors, and was immediately invited to an event next Sunday after church. The sanctuary was small, almost all the seats were filled when the first hymn was sung. I didn't no a single song, thus I didn't sing. I don't usually sing in church anyway, since Dave Justice likes those higher octaves, and I simply can't sing that high. I tried inquiring of their C&C group, which was a dead end for now at least. I'm not sure of this one, if it's where He wants me to be. I mean, I read a different section of my Bible during the whole thing practically. I don't do well with jump around preachers I guess.

The stress of work is slowly building, but I'm still cool...at least until th 23rd. I'm doing the best I can, and really trying to seek all the other alternatives before having to settle with the worst. But due to the lack of excitement, I find myself wondering the empty Union or heading home early to hang with the zoo or clean the house.

I'm basically the "Mom" of the house, unfortunately...or at least Janice sees it that way. But I hate living in a dirty house! Everyone is an adult in this house, but everyday I feel like I'm the one keeping it together and livable. I know I'm not doing everything, but when I wake up and try to eat breakfast so I can leave the house and go about my day, it's hard when there are no bowls to eat my cereal, or even spoons! So I found myself, once again, unloading the dishwasher, to fill it back up with dishes, and being late to work. Work isn't a big deal right now, at least doesn't feel like a priority. But how hard is it to clean up after your "food makings" and sweep a floor? Lack of experiences I guess...

School starts in about two weeks, and I'm ready! Mentally that is. I haven't purchased any of my printmaking supplies (ie two zinc plates, sponges, etc). I also have neglected to purchase my books for my humanities course. I think the only thing I've done that could be considered for school is buying serigraphy stuff that I will rarely get a chance to use during this semester, I think...

Rant, rant, rant...

I miss home so much. Maybe because I'm not as occupied as much as I would be during school. I just feel really lonely right now. Yea everyone is basically a phone call away, but will that help with my current heartache? Maybe for a moment, just to hear someone say they love me and miss me, which people have been doing. My Momma called me today just to see how my week went. I don't think she has ever done that before, or it's been too long for me to remember. I just need some kind of human contact, something more personal.

I'm ready for change, really ready. What does that mean exactly? I'm not even sure. All I do know is that I can't hang like I used to. Not because I physically or mentally can't, because I totally could. But for the fact that I just don't see it in the same way anymore. I don't have that drive for things anymore, at least with certain ones. I guess my focus is been put on more important things...I think it's a better direction anyway.

I've realized that I have a lot of time on my hands, so I really need to start working out, and using my gym membership. Plus, I should be working on my prints. No one is in there besides Gabe and David, and I love being around them. So hopefully by December I'll be a bit stronger in both areas. I have a lot of work to do on both sides of that, but baby steps. Not like I have anyone standing in the way...at least not now.

Hey Batter!

Today I realized that I love who I am. I love how I was raised, the experiences my family gave me, and how it all helped me get to where I am today. I'm so grateful for all of those things. Yeah, maybe I missed out on somethings, at least to some people, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I felt really good today, minus a few unexpected surprises, but was over all a good day. I woke up, showered, and read the whole book of Titus. Yes, it's only three chapters, but they are key chapters for my life right now. Salvation, separation, and then service, as Steve Pickett has stated. You can't go to third base without reaching first and second, and in that order. I know I'm safe on first by grace and mercy of God through His Son, but I want to advance onto second, third, and then "home" will be so much more satisfying. I feel like I'm stuck in a pickle, between my comfort of knowing I'm safe no matter what, and that there is more to the game than just getting on base...

Cleaning, Cleaning, Cleaning the Whole Freaking House!

I'm currently experiencing what it must be like to be a housewife. I've cleaned the counters, washed dishes, swept and mopped the floors, while organizing what I plan to make for dinner tonight. There are still other things that need to be done, that I, myself will have to do, since people aren't carrying their weight. Some one once stated, "I'm okay with me being messy, but if you're messy, I don't like it." I'm finding myself being the cleaning lady, along with being the Mom. I try my best to keep common living areas that I use, ie kitchen, cleaned up. Cause I would rather make my food on a clean counter, rather than one that is covered with bread crumbs and wine stains. It's constantly like this, and since it is, there is talk of getting a maid. Why get one, when I already do it all?

I'm doing a lot of clean up with my life in general. It's a bit slow right now, trying to figure out what to trash, keep, and get. That includes friends. I'm slowly pulling myself away from those that tend to lead me in the wrong direction, or give my person a bad rap. This past week, at Yosemite, it was repeated everyday to do everything in glorification of the Lord. I have a lot of behaviors, that prior to this past week, that I was trying to work on, but never thought of how they don't glorify Him. It's not gonna be an over night kind of thing, but I will struggle with it. But at least I'll be struggling.

My heart is stirred up, as if it's on the verge of breaking. Why now? I have no idea what to do about it. I'm doing my best to just sit back and let God take care of every little bit, but it's mostly with the small things. Why can't I just be submissive to Him? It's not like He has ever let me down, or left me on my own. Even when I've tried to neglect Him, He has always been there. "He cares for everyone, even those that don't believe."

Home, but not really

I got in some time after 2pm yesterday, and I felt like just turning back. I mean, usually, when I'm home for any time period, I have a big complaint or more about being home. This time I didn't, except about work, but that's not what I'm talking about. I think the only big negative thing that did happen was something between Sam and I, but we both got over it by the time we went to bed. Plus, it was my fault.

Maybe it's because I was actually going to church and fellowshipping with my peers. I'm gonna miss hanging out at Bible Study on Thursdays, and hearing Pastor preach. Yea it's not about the people of the church that I should be joyous about, but every message that was either discussed or presented to me was something I was currently struggling, and still am. God has simple ways of pointing life out to you, or at least that's what it felt like during my time home.

Please keep my family in prayer. Early Wednesday morning, my eighty-two year old Grandma rolled over while in bed, and apparently broke her back. The won't do surgery since she is in her eighties, but her health is another factor. So along with the cancer mass on her face, and just recently getting herself around without the aide of a wheel chair, we now have this...