Jason asked me to marry him on the 23rd, at Santa Monica Pier, and I said yes. It still feels unreal, and even though the ring is on my finger, it still feels like pretend. It's a beautiful ring, and boy does it shine! I'm excited to start planning, which we have sort of been doing anyway, but now it's more a "lets get this done" feeling.
Both sides are excited as well. Jason's younger sister seems to be more excited than I am. "Ok, now start making babies!" I hope
We have a prospective date, for in Flagstaff, I just need to call and see if the venue is available and what we will be limited to if anything.
But before I can do anything else wedding wise, I need to get this sketch book done!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sort of Know Where I'm Headed
But not sure how I'm getting there yet. I've been too busy to look for Jobs in Flagstaff, and it seems I won't be slowing down until after the 5th, but that will only be for a week! But at least the semester is over.
I was suppose to register for classes on the 24th, but I'm unsure of weather or not I should. If I got at least half time, I can defer my loans, which would be awesome! But what if I get a job, in another state, and need to move? I sort of have a love hate relationship with the fact my life changes every three months or so. Probably why I hate planning so far ahead.
So Jason and I went to dinner with a mutual friend last night. I know she has struggled with understanding God and Salvation, which lately I have been feeling really conflicted to talk to people. I know the Holy Spirit is working in me. Well she told me she was going to get baptized soon, which I'm proud of her for wanting to do this. But there is always more to any story. I asked her why she felt she needed to get baptized, which I shared with her how I was saved at age 12, felt there was no reason to stand up in front of a huge church as I'm dunked in some pool, but when I was 21 I felt convicted that it was the next step in my life as a Christian. Her response as to why worries me, because no where in scripture does it say what she expressed. It does not wash your sins away, or your original sin as she thinks. Nor does it get you a pass into heaven as her somewhat future husband thinks and is sort of pushing it on her. I simply stated that I believe that it is a public profession of my Faith in Christ and that I will be leading my life as a Child of God. She doesn't want it to be public, which I understand, I don't like attention either. Jason and I talked about in the car as we drove back to his Dad's, and he said I did well in how I present my side. "You said 'I believe' not, 'Actually, the Bible says' or something of that manner that basically is telling them they are wrong, game over." For the past few years, I have noticed that about myself, I simply state, I believe. Not My denomination, or my religion, or my family believes, but that I truly believe. I guess that makes it more a of personal thing in the eyes of a non-believer, or those struggling with their beliefs. Another thing to add to my prayer request...
I have also realized recently, that no matter what, no one can change my faith. I feel pretty strong in that, even though I really can't quote scripture or other stereotypes that the world deems on Christians, and I feel that's because my faith/believes are that of my personal experiences and journey. I've been telling people, who try to challenge my faith "you won't change my mind, sorry." I know that it sounds boastful, but I'm proud of the fact that I don't question my faith in God/Christ. The only way I have been able to get to this point is through them, which also has allowed me to stand up for Christ in a lost world.
I leave tomorrow afternoon to head back to California... I'm not looking forward to that drive at all!
I was suppose to register for classes on the 24th, but I'm unsure of weather or not I should. If I got at least half time, I can defer my loans, which would be awesome! But what if I get a job, in another state, and need to move? I sort of have a love hate relationship with the fact my life changes every three months or so. Probably why I hate planning so far ahead.
So Jason and I went to dinner with a mutual friend last night. I know she has struggled with understanding God and Salvation, which lately I have been feeling really conflicted to talk to people. I know the Holy Spirit is working in me. Well she told me she was going to get baptized soon, which I'm proud of her for wanting to do this. But there is always more to any story. I asked her why she felt she needed to get baptized, which I shared with her how I was saved at age 12, felt there was no reason to stand up in front of a huge church as I'm dunked in some pool, but when I was 21 I felt convicted that it was the next step in my life as a Christian. Her response as to why worries me, because no where in scripture does it say what she expressed. It does not wash your sins away, or your original sin as she thinks. Nor does it get you a pass into heaven as her somewhat future husband thinks and is sort of pushing it on her. I simply stated that I believe that it is a public profession of my Faith in Christ and that I will be leading my life as a Child of God. She doesn't want it to be public, which I understand, I don't like attention either. Jason and I talked about in the car as we drove back to his Dad's, and he said I did well in how I present my side. "You said 'I believe' not, 'Actually, the Bible says' or something of that manner that basically is telling them they are wrong, game over." For the past few years, I have noticed that about myself, I simply state, I believe. Not My denomination, or my religion, or my family believes, but that I truly believe. I guess that makes it more a of personal thing in the eyes of a non-believer, or those struggling with their beliefs. Another thing to add to my prayer request...
I have also realized recently, that no matter what, no one can change my faith. I feel pretty strong in that, even though I really can't quote scripture or other stereotypes that the world deems on Christians, and I feel that's because my faith/believes are that of my personal experiences and journey. I've been telling people, who try to challenge my faith "you won't change my mind, sorry." I know that it sounds boastful, but I'm proud of the fact that I don't question my faith in God/Christ. The only way I have been able to get to this point is through them, which also has allowed me to stand up for Christ in a lost world.
I leave tomorrow afternoon to head back to California... I'm not looking forward to that drive at all!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Going Back, God Willing
I went to Flagstaff a few weeks ago to visit for homecoming and a long over due visit with family and friends there. Within the few hours I was there, I was sold. I am in the process of finding a job (without internet at the moment) up there so I can move back. I have been offered two potential jobs, but one I would be required to be a student once again, well take one credit. The other one I'm not sure about right now, but time will tell.
I went to Church while there, three times actually. Wednesday for dinner and helped set up for Trunk N Treat, church Sunday morning and back Sunday night for the event. I miss the feel of a church family. The Pastor and his wife were telling me how the children's ministry is growing and that they would need a teacher, paused and smiled at me. Haha! Well we will see what God does.
Jason and I got to hang out while we both were there. We talked a lot about the failure of our relationship and Jason put a lot of blame on himself. "I wasn't the Man you needed me to be." Which is mostly right, but we are talking and actually on the phone everyday and texting throughout the day. I can't help but have deep feeling for him because they were there before, but he is different. He too had the same sensation I did once getting back to Flag, so he's trying to move back as well.
So I haven't had Internet at home for about 4 weeks now, which sucks because my phone is limited as to was I can do. But if it is God's will it will happen.
I went to Church while there, three times actually. Wednesday for dinner and helped set up for Trunk N Treat, church Sunday morning and back Sunday night for the event. I miss the feel of a church family. The Pastor and his wife were telling me how the children's ministry is growing and that they would need a teacher, paused and smiled at me. Haha! Well we will see what God does.
Jason and I got to hang out while we both were there. We talked a lot about the failure of our relationship and Jason put a lot of blame on himself. "I wasn't the Man you needed me to be." Which is mostly right, but we are talking and actually on the phone everyday and texting throughout the day. I can't help but have deep feeling for him because they were there before, but he is different. He too had the same sensation I did once getting back to Flag, so he's trying to move back as well.
So I haven't had Internet at home for about 4 weeks now, which sucks because my phone is limited as to was I can do. But if it is God's will it will happen.
Monday, September 20, 2010
For the First Time
Today, mainly do to fairly recent events in my life, I have decided to fast... Christ has commanded us to do this, and I have never done it. I have thought about it, but never fully went through with it. I woke up this morning and decided that I would start today. I am unsure as to how long I will fast, hopefully enough to get answers or insight as into my path. I have also started to read the Psalms. I think the worst part about it isn't the food, yes, I am hungry and only have allowed myself some water. I can't help but feel that I'm out in a snow storm. my hands feel like ice, and though it is fall, it is technically not warm clothes weather... I pray that God gives me strength during this time and enough energy to keep up with my responsibilities.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Ch Ch Ch Changes
I really doubt anyone reads this thing. But yet I still fill the screen with ramblings.
In the last week or so my life has changed quite a bit. A week ago I broke up with my boyfriend, decided I needed to focus on other things, and get a job so I can move and have a place of my own, thus becoming a true grown up once again. So far the job searching has been a dead end, but I'm staying optimistic by looking at future housing for myself and dreaming of silly things. I will continue to apply and send out my resume in hopes to find something that will get me somewhere. I am mainly looking here in Long Beach, but going to open up the possibility of moving back to Flagstaff. I loved it there and could see myself living there for the rest of my life, but income in these times and in a town that always had low employment rates, it seem near impossible. Long Beach and neighboring cities wouldn't be so bad, I would be close to my parents and such, I just hope I find something to fill my pockets enough to have a decent roof over my head.
In the last week or so my life has changed quite a bit. A week ago I broke up with my boyfriend, decided I needed to focus on other things, and get a job so I can move and have a place of my own, thus becoming a true grown up once again. So far the job searching has been a dead end, but I'm staying optimistic by looking at future housing for myself and dreaming of silly things. I will continue to apply and send out my resume in hopes to find something that will get me somewhere. I am mainly looking here in Long Beach, but going to open up the possibility of moving back to Flagstaff. I loved it there and could see myself living there for the rest of my life, but income in these times and in a town that always had low employment rates, it seem near impossible. Long Beach and neighboring cities wouldn't be so bad, I would be close to my parents and such, I just hope I find something to fill my pockets enough to have a decent roof over my head.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Vacation= Doing Very Little
I rode the train down to San Diego Wednesday night to get some quality time with my siblings and a bit of a break. With Monday being a holiday and having class only on Mondays/Wednesdays I southside for a whole week. So far day one was full of rushing Brian to work, shopping, lunch, office tour, and more shopping and jamba juice. Did you know they do happy hour at jamba juice, free upgrade to power size. I ended up making that my dinner. Waking up this morning, after trying to sleep in, I can't help but feel exhausted. Maybe I slept too long, or just my body isn't used to the rush rush we had yesterday. I had fun nonetheless. I have done very little today, mainly waiting for my sister to arrive home. Watched a DVD, did some dishes, and played with the quail.
I guess all I can do is try to relax and enjoy it.
I guess all I can do is try to relax and enjoy it.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Ceramics... for now
Last week I started classes. So far I am only in a ceramics class, but I will use it for potential Christmas gifts and hopeful profits. I have know the instructor for almost ten years, and he his more than happy to see me and have me around. I'm ok just taking ceramics right now, but he's letting me get away with murder basically. "You can do whatever you want." He wants me to do my best to work something out with the Printmaking instructor, since I said I was planning to apply to grad school, but I'm not so sure once again. The facilities are horrible in the print shop, mainly because the shop aide has been away and hardly anyone seems to care for neatness, and it's smaller than my room. The Printmaking teacher seems cool, her work is very modern and nontraditional, which is fine and may be more help in my own work, but she can't add me right now. She teaches all three printing classes at once, thus she can only have a total of 20 students. If I do get added, I will be limited on what I can do, even when it comes to intaglio. I need to stop complaining and get some work done...
As for Grad School. Once again I'm thinking it's a no go. Yes, I would have to apply for Fall 2012 now, since I have done absolutely nothing, which is ok with me, but what is making me think that Grad School isn't going to happen is because I constantly am focusing on the negatives: At least 3 years of just School, more loans, after Graduating having to bounce around trying to find a job at a college/university (which only guarantees part-time and a semester), also, I would like to start a family soon, and school isn't ideal with that in mind. Yes, it seems selfish, but I also told someone I probably would drop my career, whatever it is, if my family needed me, priorities first.
I still haven't gotten off my butt and found a church to attend out here. I am being lazy and giving excuses of being too busy or having things to do, which in most cases it's true, but I'm sacrificing fellowship for work.
I'm going to try to post more on here, hopefully I don't crash and burn again.
As for Grad School. Once again I'm thinking it's a no go. Yes, I would have to apply for Fall 2012 now, since I have done absolutely nothing, which is ok with me, but what is making me think that Grad School isn't going to happen is because I constantly am focusing on the negatives: At least 3 years of just School, more loans, after Graduating having to bounce around trying to find a job at a college/university (which only guarantees part-time and a semester), also, I would like to start a family soon, and school isn't ideal with that in mind. Yes, it seems selfish, but I also told someone I probably would drop my career, whatever it is, if my family needed me, priorities first.
I still haven't gotten off my butt and found a church to attend out here. I am being lazy and giving excuses of being too busy or having things to do, which in most cases it's true, but I'm sacrificing fellowship for work.
I'm going to try to post more on here, hopefully I don't crash and burn again.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
My God, My God, Why Am I Avoiding You?
I'm not a total slacker, He and I talk everyday, but I am lacking in the following department. Kind of like how I've avoided exercising this week, even though I tell myself I need to and want to, but I make excuses. "oh I have to do this and that; Wow, where did the day go?" And I know that's not how it should be. I need to be more disciplined with my walk and relationship with God, and that should be first. I have weeded out my habits of reading, even for pleasure simply because "I'm Busy."
Even now I could be reading/studying/having one-on-one time...or riding the bike.
Even now I could be reading/studying/having one-on-one time...or riding the bike.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Job-less and Not Looking
I really thought my life would be a whole lot different than it currently is. I'm a 26 years old, unmarried female with no kids. When I was eighteen I thought I was set, two years later that changed, just grew different directions, for the better for obvious reasons. There were others that seemed to fit the bill, just a bit of fine tuning was needed, but never addressed. I know God has a plan for me, because I have detoured so many times and returned to a recognizable path. That path is usually filled with Single-ness, which just gives me more time to focus on my walk and family stuff, which is great, but I'm totally going through the whole Maternal Clock phase, which makes me just feel selfish and materialistic.
I really don't like this point in my life. I have no job and don't really care to have one at the moment. Maybe because I dreamed of being in my child raising years now, but I have responsibilities and being unemployed doesn't help me be responsible. I really just want to be a bum or house wife, which ever one come first.
I am grateful for the fact that I am surrounded by love ones and have been busy with my California family ever since I returned home. And usually there is a "but" right now, I'm trying to change my ways...
I really don't like this point in my life. I have no job and don't really care to have one at the moment. Maybe because I dreamed of being in my child raising years now, but I have responsibilities and being unemployed doesn't help me be responsible. I really just want to be a bum or house wife, which ever one come first.
I am grateful for the fact that I am surrounded by love ones and have been busy with my California family ever since I returned home. And usually there is a "but" right now, I'm trying to change my ways...
Friday, July 9, 2010
Is it worth it...
Blogging... Someone asked me tonight if I was blogging at the moment, which I was not, but made me realize that I haven't been on here in a long time. Which also caused me to realize that if I'm not using it, should I lose it?
I have people in my outer circle that blog just about everyday, and I enjoy reading most of their entries, but for the most part I just skim. Don't get me wrong, the internet is very addicting, and I lose a lot of time just reading or talking to people... I really need to do something else with my time.
But is this blog worth keeping?
I have people in my outer circle that blog just about everyday, and I enjoy reading most of their entries, but for the most part I just skim. Don't get me wrong, the internet is very addicting, and I lose a lot of time just reading or talking to people... I really need to do something else with my time.
But is this blog worth keeping?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
CANCELLED
Yesterday, I decided that getting on a train for Flagstaff tonight and spending a whole week there would not be a good choice right now. There is a Fire actually in town, and the wind is not helping. Also, something came up that makes me feel even more like God is telling me right now is not the time to visit. So I will pick up my tickets, and use them for a future date... Just sucks, but God wants me here for now, rather than away.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Excited Travels
I'm heading to Flagstaff Sunday, and I'm super excited. I'm missed my mountain town, can't believe it's been almost a year. I'm just concerned about staying the whole week. I want to go to Church and Wednesday Night Dinner/Bible study to see people from FSBC Flagstaff. Other than that, I have no set plans, which is a good thing. I'm worried I will run out of things to do, since most of the people I know will be working, or out of town. Regardless, I can't help but be uber excited.
Since being home, I've been a lot busier than I thought I would be. I'm still home alone most of the time, but I've been visiting with family, or working on projects for my parents. As of now, I am practically booked for non-home stuff for the next three weeks. I really thought it would be worse moving home. It does have its downsides and some things do really piss me off, but I'm glad I came home. Just not sure how long I'll be "home."
Hulu is my drug of choice right now. I've discovered a PBS series call Empires, and it's done fairly well. I have had a few disagreements with some things, but I love history. Plus, I can put Empires on while I'm working on something, cause it's more narration than actual acting. My nerdiness is coming out in someways...
Since being home, I've been a lot busier than I thought I would be. I'm still home alone most of the time, but I've been visiting with family, or working on projects for my parents. As of now, I am practically booked for non-home stuff for the next three weeks. I really thought it would be worse moving home. It does have its downsides and some things do really piss me off, but I'm glad I came home. Just not sure how long I'll be "home."
Hulu is my drug of choice right now. I've discovered a PBS series call Empires, and it's done fairly well. I have had a few disagreements with some things, but I love history. Plus, I can put Empires on while I'm working on something, cause it's more narration than actual acting. My nerdiness is coming out in someways...
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I Made It...
Over three weeks ago.
I haven't found a job yet, but I haven't really been looking. Since I got home, I've been doing chores and such around the house for my busy parents. Also, it's sort of nice not having a job right now, but I will need one.
I haven't look at classes at all for the Fall semester, I really should get on that...BLAH
I haven't found a job yet, but I haven't really been looking. Since I got home, I've been doing chores and such around the house for my busy parents. Also, it's sort of nice not having a job right now, but I will need one.
I haven't look at classes at all for the Fall semester, I really should get on that...BLAH
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Ready, But...
I am completely packed, even to the point I'm living out of a duffel bag for the week. Thorough? Just a bit. But Jason has only packed two boxes. Most of the stuff in the house is his and a lot of my stuff remained in boxes since November. He says he's good at packing last minute and his Dad will be here tonight to help with final packing stuff, but he has more than just packing to do. I'm just worried about when we are leaving, since Friday will be a long day with just loading the truck. I can pretty much pack my truck bed, and plan to, on Thursday, so it's done and out of the way. Just pray for my patience with this.
I'm ready for this trip to be over and it hasn't even started. It's going to be a long drive, too long of a drive for me driving alone. We are staying the night somewhere Friday, so it shouldn't be too bad, except Saturday is a 16+ hour drive. I drove straight through when I came out to Austin, which wasn't smart, but it only took 25 hours or so. Now being stretched across three straight days, that's a lot of time in my truck.
Sorry, I just needed to vent I guess...
I'm ready for this trip to be over and it hasn't even started. It's going to be a long drive, too long of a drive for me driving alone. We are staying the night somewhere Friday, so it shouldn't be too bad, except Saturday is a 16+ hour drive. I drove straight through when I came out to Austin, which wasn't smart, but it only took 25 hours or so. Now being stretched across three straight days, that's a lot of time in my truck.
Sorry, I just needed to vent I guess...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I've been trying to look for employment, but I find myself looking for Jason more than myself. He thinks that he's not qualified for some of the ones I have forwarded to him, which I just think he's under estimating himself. One of the jobs I found was with JPL in Pasadena, California, his first gripe, "I don't want to live in Pasadena." just because the job is there, doesn't mean you have to live there. The job is with Television Broadcasting and I think he fits the discription perfectly. He really, really wants to quit Sears and be done with them. It's now a daily topic, and I think he may go through with it. I just hope he gets is resume and letters out and will at least have some hope for something new in the near future.
I almost want to give up the whole finding a job and just go back to school full-time, but I would just be doing undergrad stuff once again that won't count for anything except personal advancement. I've been trying to find class schedules for the two community colleges by my parents house, but they do not have their fall schedule posted online. Reasons I would go back full-time rather than part-time: If I can get financal aide and can defer student loans.
I'm looking mostly at CSULB and CSUN for grad school. I'm also looking at a school in Oakland and possibly Portland, Oregon. Not sure which is the better, but it's good to have options, right?
I almost want to give up the whole finding a job and just go back to school full-time, but I would just be doing undergrad stuff once again that won't count for anything except personal advancement. I've been trying to find class schedules for the two community colleges by my parents house, but they do not have their fall schedule posted online. Reasons I would go back full-time rather than part-time: If I can get financal aide and can defer student loans.
I'm looking mostly at CSULB and CSUN for grad school. I'm also looking at a school in Oakland and possibly Portland, Oregon. Not sure which is the better, but it's good to have options, right?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
25 and Counting...
Everyone at church on Sunday were sad to hear we are actually leaving, but besides the whole leaving part, most asked about Jason and I. "Are you going to do the long distance thing?" seemed to be the main question. I could only answer with an "I don't know?" I think it was mostly because I didn't want to cry in front of people, or go into a lot of detail. I've done the long distance before, but that was only for a few months, this is an unknown amount of time that we will be away from one another. Jason is already trying it seems to make plans for visits, which are all waiting on unknown variables.
Jason still doesn't have a job in Phoenix, and would like to NOT have to transfer through Sears. He has discussed the possibility of just quiting and moving back and seeing what God does. He knows God provides and has been providing for us in every way, but Jason's really tired of working for this company, and has been screwed over repeatedly. But he does also realize he has responsibilities, and has to be realistic.
I have no job, I might have a Summer job, but that hasn't been discussed very much. I've been focusing more on taking classes in the Fall at the community colleges by my house. Even got in touch with one of my former instructors from Cerritos. I hope it works out, I should really do a FASFA.
Jason still doesn't have a job in Phoenix, and would like to NOT have to transfer through Sears. He has discussed the possibility of just quiting and moving back and seeing what God does. He knows God provides and has been providing for us in every way, but Jason's really tired of working for this company, and has been screwed over repeatedly. But he does also realize he has responsibilities, and has to be realistic.
I have no job, I might have a Summer job, but that hasn't been discussed very much. I've been focusing more on taking classes in the Fall at the community colleges by my house. Even got in touch with one of my former instructors from Cerritos. I hope it works out, I should really do a FASFA.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Even Sooner
We upped our moving date a whole week. The fact that we were going to be moving over Memorial Day weekend would have been more expensive than going before or after. So to avoid vacation traffic and holiday gas hikes, we are leaving Austin, Texas on May 22nd. I originally thought I would have to leave some of my stuff in Pheonix and make a trip back to get it all, but the cost of the moving truck is less than half if we drop it off in Long Beach rather than Pheonix. Sort of bums me out a bit, mostly because I most likely won't get to visit Flagstaff like I wanted, but I'll try for in June. Also, it means saying goodbye to Jason at the airport.
I've been very emotional during this whole week, cried for three days, just because everything is being finalized and reality is setting in. Jason and I will be six hours away from one another, but visiting will be near impossible due to the fact I will not have a source of income once I get home and Jason still hasn't heard anything from potiental jobs in Pheonix. And the cost of seeing one another is like an added payment in our life of student loans and bills. He eventually wants to get out to California, since the film industry is based on the West Coast. I didn't know it was going to be like this, and if I did, I would probably be in Flagstaff this whole time. Shoulda, couldas.
A few days ago, I had a breaking point. With the constant knowledge that my degree only gives me hope of unemployment, I am going back to school to get my MFA. I have always desired to work on a college level, even when I was studying Kinesiology. There are jobs all over the Nation to teach studio art classes at colleges and universities, and I have found a bunch for Printmaking. I thought coming out to Austin I could get into the industry and eventually get into UT Austin's MFA program. But the economy caused the most hiccups in my plan to do so. So once I get back to Long Beach I'm going back to school. Audit some studio classes (drawing, printmaking and maybe some Graphic Design), and get my act and portfolio together. No more excuses about more debt, cause without MFA, I will just continue to be in debt. Hopefully I can defer my loans while taking some lower level art classes. I just need studio space really, and motivation.
So lately, people from High School, mostly former teammates, have been adding me as their friends on Facebook. One person recently added was one of my former coaches. I knew him before I even attended high school since my older sister ran under his coaching as well, which caused some problems for me through all four years of high school. I actually had somewhat of a falling out with him my Senior year, when I was actually kicked off the Cross Country team. Well yesterday he contacts me, asking where I was working, and to call him when I get back, all via instant messaging. I was really confused, as if he needed something from me, which upon asking, he said no. I'm not looking to have a reunion with people from high school. All the people that I cared to keep a relationship with after high I have done so until either bridges were gated off or contact was simply lost. I really have only kept in contact with my friend Paul Sudduth, in more than a "hey we know each other" friendship. Plus, most of the people that are or would be connected to this coach, are people who turned their backs on me for the most part, some even lied to get me introuble, so why would I want to hang out or see there people? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they are well and seeking friendship of some kind, but it's not high school anymore. We shall see what happens next.
Only four more weeks...
I've been very emotional during this whole week, cried for three days, just because everything is being finalized and reality is setting in. Jason and I will be six hours away from one another, but visiting will be near impossible due to the fact I will not have a source of income once I get home and Jason still hasn't heard anything from potiental jobs in Pheonix. And the cost of seeing one another is like an added payment in our life of student loans and bills. He eventually wants to get out to California, since the film industry is based on the West Coast. I didn't know it was going to be like this, and if I did, I would probably be in Flagstaff this whole time. Shoulda, couldas.
A few days ago, I had a breaking point. With the constant knowledge that my degree only gives me hope of unemployment, I am going back to school to get my MFA. I have always desired to work on a college level, even when I was studying Kinesiology. There are jobs all over the Nation to teach studio art classes at colleges and universities, and I have found a bunch for Printmaking. I thought coming out to Austin I could get into the industry and eventually get into UT Austin's MFA program. But the economy caused the most hiccups in my plan to do so. So once I get back to Long Beach I'm going back to school. Audit some studio classes (drawing, printmaking and maybe some Graphic Design), and get my act and portfolio together. No more excuses about more debt, cause without MFA, I will just continue to be in debt. Hopefully I can defer my loans while taking some lower level art classes. I just need studio space really, and motivation.
So lately, people from High School, mostly former teammates, have been adding me as their friends on Facebook. One person recently added was one of my former coaches. I knew him before I even attended high school since my older sister ran under his coaching as well, which caused some problems for me through all four years of high school. I actually had somewhat of a falling out with him my Senior year, when I was actually kicked off the Cross Country team. Well yesterday he contacts me, asking where I was working, and to call him when I get back, all via instant messaging. I was really confused, as if he needed something from me, which upon asking, he said no. I'm not looking to have a reunion with people from high school. All the people that I cared to keep a relationship with after high I have done so until either bridges were gated off or contact was simply lost. I really have only kept in contact with my friend Paul Sudduth, in more than a "hey we know each other" friendship. Plus, most of the people that are or would be connected to this coach, are people who turned their backs on me for the most part, some even lied to get me introuble, so why would I want to hang out or see there people? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they are well and seeking friendship of some kind, but it's not high school anymore. We shall see what happens next.
Only four more weeks...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Correction
So now, as of this morning, Jason and I will be leaving Texas as of May 29th. So I have about two months to find a job and place to move to. I'm sort of happy about leaving as soon as possible, though we will be required to pay June's Rent. At this point I'm willing to take a hit to just get out of this town.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Clarification
The other day, even before I left the house for work, Jason calls me upset. Well, more than just upset. In the last few weeks, his hours got cut, so he's no longer full-time, and business has been really slow. He went into work that day, to find out that people are taking his ticket, thus the money that he worked to get, is being given to someone else. It's easy to do, since all they have to do is ring it up as their sale, even if Jason is the one that did.
Also, he has discovered that we have been kind of swindled by our landlords. Other houses in our area are price much lower than what we have been paying, and a lot of them are much nicer looking homes. So that has kind of put him over the edge, since it seems like we haven't been getting any breaks out here.
He was so mad and angry, he is really thinking about putting in his two weeks. But he did state he wants out of Texas on June 19th. Our lease is up as of June 30th, and the house is suppose to be on the market now, which it isn't, which just adds to Jason's frustration.
I want to quit my job too, it's not worth it, and I'm loosing respect for my supervisors. I asked a simple question, but get a lengthy response which doesn't answer anything, only causing me to be more confused. This job is ridiculous in how they expect us to do these things, but they don't even communicate. I really feel like I could do a better job than they do, but then again, I only know a bit about what it is they do.
I do plan on being home in early June for my cousin's California wedding reception, I'll be putting in my request this week for those days. Too bad it won't be sooner.
Also, he has discovered that we have been kind of swindled by our landlords. Other houses in our area are price much lower than what we have been paying, and a lot of them are much nicer looking homes. So that has kind of put him over the edge, since it seems like we haven't been getting any breaks out here.
He was so mad and angry, he is really thinking about putting in his two weeks. But he did state he wants out of Texas on June 19th. Our lease is up as of June 30th, and the house is suppose to be on the market now, which it isn't, which just adds to Jason's frustration.
I want to quit my job too, it's not worth it, and I'm loosing respect for my supervisors. I asked a simple question, but get a lengthy response which doesn't answer anything, only causing me to be more confused. This job is ridiculous in how they expect us to do these things, but they don't even communicate. I really feel like I could do a better job than they do, but then again, I only know a bit about what it is they do.
I do plan on being home in early June for my cousin's California wedding reception, I'll be putting in my request this week for those days. Too bad it won't be sooner.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Rambles; More Like Grumbles
I realize that I've been blogging mostly my complaints on here. Who would want to read that, at least not every entry. So I'm doing my best to no complain, because things are not as bad as my blog precieves.
My order came the other day, and my excitement has yet to disapate. Though I'm still in need of a few key items before I can do my first print, I'm on cloud nine still. Still need hinge clamps, a board, and screen filler. There are a few other things, but can get by without them for the time being. Eventually, I'll have a full functioning shop. I was really impressed with the quailty of my screen, and definitely will order from this company again, especially since it only took two days for everything to arrive, and shipping was FREE! Sadly, they are geared more towards commerical printing, but just means I have to go somewhere else for the rest, which isn't a big deal for me. I'll definitely will post my first edition once I get it pulled. I know I will have hiccups, since it's been so long since I even did serigraphy. I think it's been two years...
My order came the other day, and my excitement has yet to disapate. Though I'm still in need of a few key items before I can do my first print, I'm on cloud nine still. Still need hinge clamps, a board, and screen filler. There are a few other things, but can get by without them for the time being. Eventually, I'll have a full functioning shop. I was really impressed with the quailty of my screen, and definitely will order from this company again, especially since it only took two days for everything to arrive, and shipping was FREE! Sadly, they are geared more towards commerical printing, but just means I have to go somewhere else for the rest, which isn't a big deal for me. I'll definitely will post my first edition once I get it pulled. I know I will have hiccups, since it's been so long since I even did serigraphy. I think it's been two years...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Getting Closer, But Still Lost
I haven't printed in almost two years. I feel ashamed to say that, since I worked so hard to get my degree and spent so many hours in the shop working and laughing with those around me. When you lose you resources it really hurts you, not just physically. I haven't forgotten anything, the same is with what I learned while studying kinesiology, but not using it is going to only cause atrophy on my skills and craftsmanship. Once again I find myself doing research on supplies, presses, and even studios in town where I can pay a fee and rent the facility for a few hours to pull some intaglios or reliefs. But that's all it is, and has been for the past six months, research.
I really would like to get back to doing intaglios, but the cost of that is way more than I can currently invest into a press and supplies, plus I have no room to setup a hazardous free shop. Nitric Acid in a room with little to no air flow or accessable wash station is not a good mix. I can afford to start screen printing, well a very small layout. I'm still debating on getting CS4 or another Creative Suite. So far in supplies it will be under $400, but $200 of that is ink alone. One gallon of screen printing ink is $50, and I'm just getting RBYWh because I'll be doing a lot of mixing. I hope I am really sure about this. I will be making this big step this weekend, unless something else comes up and my money is used elsewhere.
I'm still trying to figure out what's next. Our lease is up in June, though we are wanting out sooner, I think it's just smarter to stay til then. Jason isn't sure he can stay that long. His hours have been cut back, and niether one of us have found a better job, let alone a second one. I'm still trying to just leave things up to God, but trying to do my part as well. I'm still trying to figure out my final destination for that time. No jobs in all the places I am looking really doesn't help the process, plus being in another state doesn't look too appealing to employers.
Home seems like a good plan...but I don't want to be a mooch.
I really would like to get back to doing intaglios, but the cost of that is way more than I can currently invest into a press and supplies, plus I have no room to setup a hazardous free shop. Nitric Acid in a room with little to no air flow or accessable wash station is not a good mix. I can afford to start screen printing, well a very small layout. I'm still debating on getting CS4 or another Creative Suite. So far in supplies it will be under $400, but $200 of that is ink alone. One gallon of screen printing ink is $50, and I'm just getting RBYWh because I'll be doing a lot of mixing. I hope I am really sure about this. I will be making this big step this weekend, unless something else comes up and my money is used elsewhere.
I'm still trying to figure out what's next. Our lease is up in June, though we are wanting out sooner, I think it's just smarter to stay til then. Jason isn't sure he can stay that long. His hours have been cut back, and niether one of us have found a better job, let alone a second one. I'm still trying to just leave things up to God, but trying to do my part as well. I'm still trying to figure out my final destination for that time. No jobs in all the places I am looking really doesn't help the process, plus being in another state doesn't look too appealing to employers.
Home seems like a good plan...but I don't want to be a mooch.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Insert Desired Title Here
I don't know how to even start this entry. I'm not myself at this present moment of my life. Decisions are needed once again, but only have answers have been given, or I'm just not seeing it completely...
I really just need to buckle down, and print... Oh Bill, how I miss thee!
I really just need to buckle down, and print... Oh Bill, how I miss thee!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Realizations
Last night, Jason and I went with our Sunday School class to celebrate Chinese New Year. Apparently, it's something they do every year, or at least they did it last year. Most of them go to the resturant we ate at quite frequently. They even asked for a certian server who verified my thoughts of members of the class being regulars. It was fun. I laughed a lot, mostly because of Jason and our friend Matt were being really silly. It didn't help that I was sitting between them. Also, I realize I laugh more in unfamiliar situations and unknowns. I'm very shy and to myself, espeically in large, new groups. This is the first time we have gone out with the Bridges class. We went to Viva Chocolata fir desert, everyone tried to get me to sit down. Today I realize I would rather stand, for an easy exit from situations. Again, this is just in new situations or with new people.
Jason and I have been attending this church and class for a few months now and I realize that though they are a friendly group, none have really ventured to get to know Jason and I until recently. I mean, we haven't gone to after church lunch ever cause of Jason's football plans or errands we had planned to do, so it's not entirely them. Sort of the same thing happened in Flagstaff. Jason's last visit to Greenlaw, there where people I never ever talked to who were suddenly interested in my life to the extreme.
Many of them have stated to us, the Bridge class, that they hope we don't move. It would be nice to stay, but things are just getting worse financially. If money wasn't the big factor in our situation, it could have worked. Jason even brought up the fact that he applied to many pizza places to be a delivery guy, and none have called him back at all. "I'm over quialified to deliver pizzas."
I'm hoping that I can work out my budget so that it doesn't drive me insane.
Jason and I have been attending this church and class for a few months now and I realize that though they are a friendly group, none have really ventured to get to know Jason and I until recently. I mean, we haven't gone to after church lunch ever cause of Jason's football plans or errands we had planned to do, so it's not entirely them. Sort of the same thing happened in Flagstaff. Jason's last visit to Greenlaw, there where people I never ever talked to who were suddenly interested in my life to the extreme.
Many of them have stated to us, the Bridge class, that they hope we don't move. It would be nice to stay, but things are just getting worse financially. If money wasn't the big factor in our situation, it could have worked. Jason even brought up the fact that he applied to many pizza places to be a delivery guy, and none have called him back at all. "I'm over quialified to deliver pizzas."
I'm hoping that I can work out my budget so that it doesn't drive me insane.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Just Fell Deeper
At least I know there is a way out. I can't help but look at what I had almost a year ago, wow it's been that long! I thought I was set, at least heading into the next nine months of my life, though still not really working in my degree field, but doing something I enjoyed very much. I had family close to me, an awesome Church Family, and great friends. If I had stayed would I be struggling like I am now? Yes, I feel a great regret in my choice to move to Austin, but that regret only came to me in the recent months. I wanted a new adventure and felt that it was my chance to go, but did I move too soon or was I meant to just stay put? I won't know until later, but in the now I feel I disobeyed God. Jason feels the same way, but takes it a step further than myself. I know we humans have been given the freedom to choose our direction, even if it's not the direction God wants, it leads us there anyway. We just end up going the longer way sometimes.
Saturday night I'm going to setup my Etsy site and post my artwork up. I have to figure out shipping of some items and pricing, but then I'll be set to go. Will I make any money? That depends. I know that some of my compositions can be viewed as pornographic since it includes nudes, and others will be viewed as just crafty crap. I'm trying to be somewhat selective as to what I post, but I'm unsure what audience I'm looking to attract. I haven't decided if I want to sell my show pieces yet. Maybe I'll just keep the framed ones, though I want to give one to a family member. I'll post my Etsy link on here when I get it going. I'm thinking of naming it Printing Naked, not because of the nudes which I probably won't sell, but because I enjoy the more traditional ways of printmaking. More sweat and laborious, but I feel I get better results. Plus, inkjet print offs are not prints in my opinion, along with other wanna-be's the sneak in to Printmaking. It also from a joke in my figure drawing class.
I have been reading Philp Yancey's "Rumors of Another World" that Jason got me for Christmas. The church we attend here in Austin seems to really like his work, since then send some of his literature to new vistors. This book kind of reads like C.S. Lewis' works. To the point, yet sort of mysterious. I'm hoping to finish it this week, then I'll do a complete report on it. I've been thinking of reading Purpose Driven Life again. I read it a year ago, straight through, though it's a 40 day devontional. It's an ok book. Has great points and insight, and helped me with a family issue along with other things in my life. I gave my original copy to Jason's dad back in November since he just became a Christian and I thought it would help with some of his questions. Well Jason bought it for me for Christmas, he actually accidently bought two copies. "I kept seeing it and thinking, that looks familiar, I should get it." A week ago we found out why he bought two. We meet up for dinner with a friend from church, short notice. It was go to go out and share intimately with someone other than Jason about being a Christian, I forgot how that felt. But he's sort of struggling with direction like we are. I mentioned the Rick Warren book, and laughing about Jason's double purchase. "I have it in the trunk of my car right now, if you want it?" Our friend hasnt started it yet, "It's on my coffee table to remind me." Lately, like I said, I've been thinking of taking it up again. I brought up to Jason that maybe we do the study with our friend. Studies always seem better when you're able to discuss them with someone else.
Saturday night I'm going to setup my Etsy site and post my artwork up. I have to figure out shipping of some items and pricing, but then I'll be set to go. Will I make any money? That depends. I know that some of my compositions can be viewed as pornographic since it includes nudes, and others will be viewed as just crafty crap. I'm trying to be somewhat selective as to what I post, but I'm unsure what audience I'm looking to attract. I haven't decided if I want to sell my show pieces yet. Maybe I'll just keep the framed ones, though I want to give one to a family member. I'll post my Etsy link on here when I get it going. I'm thinking of naming it Printing Naked, not because of the nudes which I probably won't sell, but because I enjoy the more traditional ways of printmaking. More sweat and laborious, but I feel I get better results. Plus, inkjet print offs are not prints in my opinion, along with other wanna-be's the sneak in to Printmaking. It also from a joke in my figure drawing class.
I have been reading Philp Yancey's "Rumors of Another World" that Jason got me for Christmas. The church we attend here in Austin seems to really like his work, since then send some of his literature to new vistors. This book kind of reads like C.S. Lewis' works. To the point, yet sort of mysterious. I'm hoping to finish it this week, then I'll do a complete report on it. I've been thinking of reading Purpose Driven Life again. I read it a year ago, straight through, though it's a 40 day devontional. It's an ok book. Has great points and insight, and helped me with a family issue along with other things in my life. I gave my original copy to Jason's dad back in November since he just became a Christian and I thought it would help with some of his questions. Well Jason bought it for me for Christmas, he actually accidently bought two copies. "I kept seeing it and thinking, that looks familiar, I should get it." A week ago we found out why he bought two. We meet up for dinner with a friend from church, short notice. It was go to go out and share intimately with someone other than Jason about being a Christian, I forgot how that felt. But he's sort of struggling with direction like we are. I mentioned the Rick Warren book, and laughing about Jason's double purchase. "I have it in the trunk of my car right now, if you want it?" Our friend hasnt started it yet, "It's on my coffee table to remind me." Lately, like I said, I've been thinking of taking it up again. I brought up to Jason that maybe we do the study with our friend. Studies always seem better when you're able to discuss them with someone else.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I Hate Money
I think mostly because I have re-done my budget to adjust to the loss of roommates at the end of this month and having to split the whole housing cost with just Jason, gives me no money to use towards anything "fun" for myself. I guess this just shows I need to sell my stuff for real this time, I mean my art. I have mostly prints, duh, but I have some jewelry stuff too, I guess I thought I could go back to it. Who knows, maybe I will. But pricing has always been my hiccup. I know how much time I put into every piece I have done, some more than others and it shows. I was told, about my show pieces, how much is the complete edition worth and then divide by how many are in the edition, but when I do that they come out too expensive, or so my friends say. But like me, they are also struggling. My mind keeps going to the desire to have my own shop with endless possiblities of producing work, but it has to start somewhere, right? My dreams of building my screen press will have to wait until I get a little more in my pocket, so a single table/board with hinges press will have to get me by for now. I just hope it doesn't break the bank. Ink is going to be the expensive part, mostly because I already have paper.
So my hopes of going home at the end of this month have been flushed. I need truck tires, plane tickets went up, and I don't have enough leave time to stay like I wanted. March may be better, but that depends on if we end up moving then or not. My cousin is getting married at the end of March and my nephews first birthday is near the beginning of March. My truck tires will be less than a plan ticket home, and I can't wait any longer to get them, they are practically bald. I'm glad I only need two and I'm getting at least 10% off of them because of some Sears promo and Jason's employee discount.
Hopefully by next week I'll have my taxes done. What I get back is already allocated to the move, which sucks, but I'm glad to have it.
Well my phone battery is almost dead...
So my hopes of going home at the end of this month have been flushed. I need truck tires, plane tickets went up, and I don't have enough leave time to stay like I wanted. March may be better, but that depends on if we end up moving then or not. My cousin is getting married at the end of March and my nephews first birthday is near the beginning of March. My truck tires will be less than a plan ticket home, and I can't wait any longer to get them, they are practically bald. I'm glad I only need two and I'm getting at least 10% off of them because of some Sears promo and Jason's employee discount.
Hopefully by next week I'll have my taxes done. What I get back is already allocated to the move, which sucks, but I'm glad to have it.
Well my phone battery is almost dead...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Already Backing Out
Yesterday, I didn't go to the Gym. I flakes cause of the weather was crazy, traffic was insane, and I ended up taking a completely different way home, which seemed faster, but took me through downtown. I think I just need the make Sunday my start day. Maybe go before church, or after.
I also didn't read my bible last night, but did the morning before going to work. Maybe that should be my routine, since I usually have about 20 mintues to spare before work. I think I'll have more success in making it a part of my life than just a task.
Though Jason and I got some kind of answer in regards to moving, but I'm sure if it's right. Lately, as I have shared with Jason, feel that we might just stay through June. I mean, if the landlords can't fill the place until then for whatever reason, we are stuck here. I'm now wondering if we should just continue to plan for June and just dismiss the fact of possibly leaving in a month and a half? It actually will work out fr the better cause then there is a set date, no guessing. We can schedule a truck and needed plane tickets for those we need to help with the whole traveling West. I know that I don't like planning that far in advance, but it almost seems smarter.
I also didn't read my bible last night, but did the morning before going to work. Maybe that should be my routine, since I usually have about 20 mintues to spare before work. I think I'll have more success in making it a part of my life than just a task.
Though Jason and I got some kind of answer in regards to moving, but I'm sure if it's right. Lately, as I have shared with Jason, feel that we might just stay through June. I mean, if the landlords can't fill the place until then for whatever reason, we are stuck here. I'm now wondering if we should just continue to plan for June and just dismiss the fact of possibly leaving in a month and a half? It actually will work out fr the better cause then there is a set date, no guessing. We can schedule a truck and needed plane tickets for those we need to help with the whole traveling West. I know that I don't like planning that far in advance, but it almost seems smarter.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Starting All Over Again
Yesterday I decide that I need to get back on track. Not just with my studying of God's Word, which I have posted a note next to my alarm clock to remind me to read my bible at least for 15 mintues Everyday, but with my fitness. I've been putting off the gym for over three months it seems. At first it was because I was working 70+ hours a week between two jobs, so I didn't have time to go. And as of December I just made excuses. So far in 2010, I have gone once. Stupid I know, cause I've basically thrown money away for the last three months. Well, starting tonight after work, I am going to the gym before home. It's on the way anyway. But I've been waking up at 5:30 every morning, which is making me think I should maybe go then and shower at the gym. We will see how this week goes.
I'm also counting calories again. I know I'm not fat, but I am overweight. About 25 lbs according to the BMI for my height and weight, which even when I was athletic in high school, I weighed only ten pounds less than I do now. Yeah yeah, I probably has more dense muscle then to make me heavier, but the BMI seems unhealthy. I'm hoping I can get healthy enough to start running again, then calorie counting shouldn't matter, or at least it didn't when I was running 50+ miles a week.
I also have realized I need to make plans/goals, realistic ones. I'm still going to shoot for the Long Beach Half Marathon in October, regardless of where I will be living. But I need to make some smaller ones leading up to that one. I know that maybe some 5K, 10k races should be included leading up to October.
Jason just called me. We are going to go see "that one guy" Saturday night. "Don't say I don't take you anywhere." Actually, we rarely go anywhere because of money and stressful work days. Crap! That cuts into my workout! I'll figure it out, I guess.
I'm also counting calories again. I know I'm not fat, but I am overweight. About 25 lbs according to the BMI for my height and weight, which even when I was athletic in high school, I weighed only ten pounds less than I do now. Yeah yeah, I probably has more dense muscle then to make me heavier, but the BMI seems unhealthy. I'm hoping I can get healthy enough to start running again, then calorie counting shouldn't matter, or at least it didn't when I was running 50+ miles a week.
I also have realized I need to make plans/goals, realistic ones. I'm still going to shoot for the Long Beach Half Marathon in October, regardless of where I will be living. But I need to make some smaller ones leading up to that one. I know that maybe some 5K, 10k races should be included leading up to October.
Jason just called me. We are going to go see "that one guy" Saturday night. "Don't say I don't take you anywhere." Actually, we rarely go anywhere because of money and stressful work days. Crap! That cuts into my workout! I'll figure it out, I guess.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Still in Limbo
But at least we go half an answer. Jason and I asked out landlords about three weeks ago if there was anyway they could let us out of the lease as early as the end of March, since things have been a constant struggle since we moved out here. Sunday night we got a half answer, but at least it's somthing. They are going to re-list the house for rent with a April 1st availability, but until it's filled we are still responsable for the rent. We can afford maybe two months just he and I spliting the whole cost, which leaves little to no room for saving to move. Plus, there is no definite date as to when we will leave, so we can't book the needed truck and plane tickets for propective people to help us drive three vehicles. Also, we are wondering if we should just continue to live there and find a roommate for the remaining months, even though God constantly is showing us that we both need to go back West. More to pray about and let God just handle the details.
I still am unsure of as to where I'm going. Jason and I have talked a few times about it, always briefly. If I move to California, he's not sure how it would work cause we both need to knock our debt and student loans down, so spending 300 extra a month to visit each other seems pretty impossible. He sort of upset me last night cause I was reading an article from NAU about how Spike Lee came and spoke there last week, and I was talking about it, cause it was kind of negative towards my previous job there. "You just can't let that job go, can you?" Yes, I really enjoyed that job and the people I worked with, but I wouldn't move back there to work at SUN my whole life, and I couldn't anyway. It's a student position, so I would have to pay for a class to go back. I am not sure I can explain my love for Flagstaff really. I guess it's like the feeling I always had when I spent tine with my Grandpa and Grandma Lawson. There was always an adventure and exciting things where ever we went, even if it was just to their house, which really just felt like an extention of Home. I have family there, though they are blood, but in His blood we are. Just took me four years to find them, mostly my fault and procrastination.
Jason doesn't want to move back to PHX, so hopefully it's just for a short time. He's looking in Flagstaff as well, but may already have a job waiting for him in PHX doing construction again. I've been looking in Flagstaff, PHX, the LA area and Orange county. Mostly trying to find something with Printmaking/Art, but I should maybe look into Event Production and office stuff. There was a company I worked with for a concert that is based in PHX that told me to look them up if I was there. But the head guy was a big jerk, and his crew treated us like idiots. Hopefully the job search will show what's next.
I was trying to plan a mini vacation home in March, cause I really need a break from here, but I don't think I have enough vacation time to even come out for four days. Since I just completed my 90 days my vacation and holiday pay hasn't gone on my pay stub, but should be on the next one.
Jason and have started making a list of places to go before leaving Texas. Like places to eat in town, going to Dublin or the Dr Pepper Museum and going either to Dallas or Houston for a day or so. We haven't had a lot ove extra money to just go take mini vacations like we used to do in Arizona, so I hope we will be able to do at least some of them. I'm not so sure I'm down for the waterpark, I hate wearing a bathing suit.
I still am unsure of as to where I'm going. Jason and I have talked a few times about it, always briefly. If I move to California, he's not sure how it would work cause we both need to knock our debt and student loans down, so spending 300 extra a month to visit each other seems pretty impossible. He sort of upset me last night cause I was reading an article from NAU about how Spike Lee came and spoke there last week, and I was talking about it, cause it was kind of negative towards my previous job there. "You just can't let that job go, can you?" Yes, I really enjoyed that job and the people I worked with, but I wouldn't move back there to work at SUN my whole life, and I couldn't anyway. It's a student position, so I would have to pay for a class to go back. I am not sure I can explain my love for Flagstaff really. I guess it's like the feeling I always had when I spent tine with my Grandpa and Grandma Lawson. There was always an adventure and exciting things where ever we went, even if it was just to their house, which really just felt like an extention of Home. I have family there, though they are blood, but in His blood we are. Just took me four years to find them, mostly my fault and procrastination.
Jason doesn't want to move back to PHX, so hopefully it's just for a short time. He's looking in Flagstaff as well, but may already have a job waiting for him in PHX doing construction again. I've been looking in Flagstaff, PHX, the LA area and Orange county. Mostly trying to find something with Printmaking/Art, but I should maybe look into Event Production and office stuff. There was a company I worked with for a concert that is based in PHX that told me to look them up if I was there. But the head guy was a big jerk, and his crew treated us like idiots. Hopefully the job search will show what's next.
I was trying to plan a mini vacation home in March, cause I really need a break from here, but I don't think I have enough vacation time to even come out for four days. Since I just completed my 90 days my vacation and holiday pay hasn't gone on my pay stub, but should be on the next one.
Jason and have started making a list of places to go before leaving Texas. Like places to eat in town, going to Dublin or the Dr Pepper Museum and going either to Dallas or Houston for a day or so. We haven't had a lot ove extra money to just go take mini vacations like we used to do in Arizona, so I hope we will be able to do at least some of them. I'm not so sure I'm down for the waterpark, I hate wearing a bathing suit.
Monday, January 11, 2010
I'm lost...
I don't know how else to say it, except that I feel completely lost on what I'm suppose to do in life. I feel so stuck without any kind of light or direction. Before moving out here, I sort of had a plan for myself, though I wasn't sure about a lot of it, I was still hopefully and excited for the chance and change in my life. But now it just feels like regret and emptiness. Yes, the way the world is economically and such is a major effect on those "plans" and have me just wanting to surrender and head back with my tail between my legs, but nothing else. No insight or plan for my future, except to leave Texas. I just don't belong here...
Our Sunday School class was going over how to be joyful in all things, which to this world makes no sense at all. How can one be joyful when there is so much going wrong every second of the day? We, Christians, are commanded to Rejoice in all things and give Him (God) praise for all things. So I'm struggling with the joy/rejoicing part. My life has flipped upside down, and spun out of control on more than one occasion, and I'm suppose to find joy in that? Find joy in the fact that I basically spend all my time at home in my room, to avoid the annoyance that has consumed my home... There is joy in my life, just isn't the focus like it should be. Jason is trying really hard, and do mean really hard, to make me happy and laugh, even when he's had a bad day. I'm really glad I have him, cause I think if we didn't have each other, we would have fallen apart and farther into the pit of despair.
So what do I find joy in right now? The fact that I have a family that loves. The fact that I'm reminded daily that my parents did a great job at raising seven kids, that are respectable members of society. I also find joy in the fact that they, my mentors throughout my life, are/were excellent teachers and examples of the Christian life. I find joy in the fact that though I am far away from those I love most, I have someone who loves me just as much, reminding me that I am loved. But most of all I find Joy in the fact that God gave me a gift, not a reward, but something as free as the air around us. Free Life, an eternal one for that matter.
Please pray for me and that I find direction soon. I know God has a plan for me, and has had one before I even existed. I just need wisdom to know where He wants me next...
Our Sunday School class was going over how to be joyful in all things, which to this world makes no sense at all. How can one be joyful when there is so much going wrong every second of the day? We, Christians, are commanded to Rejoice in all things and give Him (God) praise for all things. So I'm struggling with the joy/rejoicing part. My life has flipped upside down, and spun out of control on more than one occasion, and I'm suppose to find joy in that? Find joy in the fact that I basically spend all my time at home in my room, to avoid the annoyance that has consumed my home... There is joy in my life, just isn't the focus like it should be. Jason is trying really hard, and do mean really hard, to make me happy and laugh, even when he's had a bad day. I'm really glad I have him, cause I think if we didn't have each other, we would have fallen apart and farther into the pit of despair.
So what do I find joy in right now? The fact that I have a family that loves. The fact that I'm reminded daily that my parents did a great job at raising seven kids, that are respectable members of society. I also find joy in the fact that they, my mentors throughout my life, are/were excellent teachers and examples of the Christian life. I find joy in the fact that though I am far away from those I love most, I have someone who loves me just as much, reminding me that I am loved. But most of all I find Joy in the fact that God gave me a gift, not a reward, but something as free as the air around us. Free Life, an eternal one for that matter.
Please pray for me and that I find direction soon. I know God has a plan for me, and has had one before I even existed. I just need wisdom to know where He wants me next...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
2010...
Well here is my first blog for the new year and decade. Not sure what to write. Seems like all my blogs lately are just upsetting sob stories of my life right now. Not that good things never happen, just seems to be getting worse and worse. Jason agrees with me. We aren't where we should be, weather that's Texas, church, or our current residence.
Jason has been told for a few weeks that he was possibly, a strong possibility, getting transferred to a store north of us as Manager. Well just a few days ago he found out that they hired someone outside the company. Jason is currently the number one seller in all of Austin and in the State of Texas, so he's really upset about the way Sears works. This is the third or fourth time since transferring out here they have screwed him over. First it was they lost his paperwork, so he was out of work for two weeks. They decreased his pay, when they originally told him he would be making more, and there are other things that have happened that I can't remember. He's been looking to get out of Retail for a long time, but I'm so sure he has a lot of time to do so.
My job is ok. I'm just so tired of doing the same thing over and over now. I need a change, but I haven't been looking.
Jason has been told for a few weeks that he was possibly, a strong possibility, getting transferred to a store north of us as Manager. Well just a few days ago he found out that they hired someone outside the company. Jason is currently the number one seller in all of Austin and in the State of Texas, so he's really upset about the way Sears works. This is the third or fourth time since transferring out here they have screwed him over. First it was they lost his paperwork, so he was out of work for two weeks. They decreased his pay, when they originally told him he would be making more, and there are other things that have happened that I can't remember. He's been looking to get out of Retail for a long time, but I'm so sure he has a lot of time to do so.
My job is ok. I'm just so tired of doing the same thing over and over now. I need a change, but I haven't been looking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)