Ephiphany Friday

I am so grateful that my work week is over! Never in my life have I even been so excited for the weekend, well actually Friday. This week in the office has been crazy. Work is piling up, but not because we are behind or slacking, but because this month alone there has been an increase of sponsorships. So, we are adjusting and working as a team.

For those who do not know, I work in Downtown Phoenix. Every Friday near my job there is a Food Truck event. For a few weeks now my office mates have said they would like to go, but each week something comes up, and we don't go. This Friday, I was going, end of story. Some eventually backed out, but I didn't go alone, and enjoyed it.

Since our group was small, three people, it gave each of us a better opportunity to get to know more about one another. Inquires of current life situation, marriage, and of course, food see to be the main topics. The first two are hard for me to share, especially Jason and I's current situation. One, when asked, elaborated on how she met her husband, including the first time she saw him. It was sweet, honest and storybook. "It was straight lust," followed by laughter, "I wasn't a Christian at the time." I often forget that those around me, though my organization is a Christ-Centered one, that some people were not saved until Adulthood, such as my husband. Made me think of my life, if I never accepted Christ that night at a youth rally. Where would I be? Certainly not where I am now.

Then the phrase, "I have done such worse things as a Christian, than when I wasn't saved," presented itself into our conversations. And I realized how true that is for most people. But why? Is it because we, as Christians, while trying to walk with Christ, we are more receptive to our Sin? I think that is part of it, but if we are more receptive, they why does it seem that sin plagues our lives more? I know, I'm over thinking it, but basically, I am saved, "We have Grace," and it is my relationship with Christ that matters, not my faults. I'm only 28, human, and walking with God. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be on this side of heaven.

I'm not sure where I was going with this entry. Maybe nowhere except affirming my faith and love of God/Christ, and that I am loved unconditionally no matter what I do.

Getting Back on Track

I'm somewhat excited, especially since I just made a major purchase. I finally bought running shoes! I know, I'm lame. What a silly thing to be so excited about, but I'm also excited about a new store opening soon by my house, but that's another day.

I am proud of myself, finally have no excuse to go out and at least walk for now, and hopefully be running in a few weeks without major soreness. Hopefully after awhile, register for a 5K in a few months, and start competing again.

Also, I'm back counting calories, or at least being more aware of my intake and of what I'm actually eating. I'm also working out, somewhat, but hopefully more constant.

Small Goal: Workout everyday (even if it's just 20 minutes of movement)
Large Goal: Lose the 20lbs I have gained since getting married by my anniversary.

I have done it before, got down to 145lbs just before moving to Austin in 2009, but since then life has been very different and always changing. But I'm going to take the bull by the horns and really stick to it this time.

Crying

How I start my Fridays. Well, mostly because someone really got to my heart. I am the youngest person in my office at FH, not the whole organization, but in my department I am. So I'm often given advise or asked about my husband and this whole joblessness that is the center of our life. Usually I just say "he's doing ok, looking, applying and sometimes down about not being able to provide" with a smile and control of emotions. Today, I couldn't hold my composure. I did not have a break down, if that's what your are picturing. I can't help but be frustrated with this situation as of late. Not frustrated with Jason, but with trying to figure out life again.

And I'm not a crier. As a kid, I faked tears time and time again, so as an adult, I hold it back, or not let it bother me to that extent. I know this will come off as asshole-ish, but crying makes me feel weak. I have cried at work before, a few times, due to similar situations during that time. Some wise man once told me, that I try really hard to give the appearance that I'm tough. I'm unsure as to why I do that, but I do know that I do.

I am a strong woman, and most will realize that when they meet me, but I tend to go beyond that at times, as if I'm a He-man Woman hater. I'm not your typical woman either, which sometimes makes me insecure when I see others my age or in my surrounding being "feminine." Maybe I should work on that...

By the way, I love my co-workers, and I know that they are only concerned and praying about Jason and I's situation. Just like everyone else, some days are harder than others.

Half Way There

On this upcoming Saturday, I will have been officially married for six months. SIX MONTHS! Six very life changing, strange, and growing months.

Let start with the growing, both physical and emotionally. I'm sensitive, maybe because I love and care full heartedly. Maybe because I'm the baby girl of our family. Or, just because God needs me to be for others or better relate to those also classified as "sensitive." Jason, not so much, which causes conflict, but we are working on this together. I'm trying my best not to act on first hurt, because it's not always his intention to hurt. We both have also realized how much Marriage is different than dating. Dating you can escape, leave to your own space, or just end things, cry a little, and be done. Marriage, you have joined your lives together, and separation is a heck of a lot harder, and neither one of us is willing to give up on each other. Do not be quick to think we are constantly at each other, arguing and thinking of divorce, we are just adjusting to things neither one of us is used to.

Physically, I have grown, well not grown, but gained 20lbs in these six months. I'm so upset with myself about it as well. But what have I done? Nothing. Maybe hoped, dreamed, and set out for healthier me, but not physically doing anything to get me there. I so easily say, "I just need to run, and I'll be good." but right after, "But my current weight would reek havoc on my already damaged knees." A year ago, I was still considered overweight, thanks to BMI's inaccuracy. I was living at home, but while at home I was doing more than sitting at a computer for 8 hour a day. I was totally into my gardening plans, helping family, and eventually planning my wedding. Now, as I mentioned, most of my daylight hours are in front of a computer monitor, well actually two. Then it's home, sitting again, exploring the internets and watching TV with Jason.

Yesterday, I decided to change that. I'm not looking to loose 5 lbs a week, or anything crazily unhealthy like that. I simply want to loose the 20lbs I have gained since September. My first goal, minus the end results, is to do seven days of a workout I found via Pintrest.com. Just seven days of some kind of work out. So far so good.

A life is hard for everyone in the world, and Jason and I's life just got a bit harder. A few weeks ago he was fired. Lame, big time. But we are adjusting, and he is doing his best to find where God wants him now. We are trusting God once again, it's just hard when your household income gets cut in more than half. We just ask for your prayers. Thankfully were are already on a budget, have our "emergency fund," and our tax return. So we will survive on what we have for a bit, but it's still scary. We could be worse, far worse.

Life is changing, always...