I won't be home for Christmas...

I finally told my Mom last night that there was no way I could come out for Christmas, let alone Christmas Eve (which is usually is the big thing with all my family). I cried, a lot. I feel like a loser cause I told everyone that they would see me again around the holidays, obviously that's not how it worked out. I do get Christmas day off, and either the day before or day after as well, just don't know for sure. I think my Mom my be trying to sneak me home, which she should waste her money just to have me there for 24 hours, though it would be nice to see everyone. This will be my first Christmas away from home. Growing up kinda sucks, no it does suck.

There is still talk of moving back towards the West Coast, more like Jason has already made up his mind to move back to Phoenix. I'm not so sure I want to live in Phoenix, and I do know I would love to live in Flagstaff, and was going to try to make it work this year, before I decided to move out to Texas. At least in Arizona, I would be close to home, half a day max, cause I would have to stop and visit with some of my family along the way, regardless if I lived in Phoenix or Flagstaff. But moving to either has its pros and cons. Phoenix is actually closer to my Parents, but I would have to basically start over like I did here in Texas. Flagstaff would make me just two hours further than Phoenix, I have a Family in Flagstaff (Church Family) and a lot of my friends are still there, but there are no jobs unless I take a class at NAU (600 bucks) and my Friends are only in Flagstaff until they are done with school. But then there is a plan C, I guess you could call it. Just move on back to California. Which other than the family I have there, I would have to start all over again. There are very few people I still stay in contact with that are not my family...

I have a lot to pray about...

Not sure what to do right now.

I've been working non-stop it seems between my two jobs. To the point that my body made me stop yesterday. I still feel a bit crummy and not a hundred percent yet. But I'm trying to keep on trucking since I need the money. But I think soon, I will only have one job. Though I'm getting a pay raise at the grocery store, I'm having to work seven days between the two. Plus, I could pick up a few extra days with Goodwill, since they are currently short handed, and get paid more for the days that I would be at the store. It's not worth the stress and anger that I have been experiencing at the grocery store, I'm just not happy there. Yeah, they gave me a dollar raise, and are planning on teaching me to bake, but I'll have no days off. No time to recover from the week.

So I don't think I'll be going to California, let alone Arizona for the Holidays. Which sucks big time. Tickets are too much, I'm barely scrapping by, and don't have vacation time just yet. And now Jason is talking about moving back to Arizona next summer, after our lease is up. I think that just him being stress out from all the bumps we have had since arriving here. I don't know what direction we are suppose to go.

Well I better get to bed. Work 10 hours tomorrow at Goodwill. I am real do like working there, though I am alone most of the time.

I won't turn away

One of my favorite songs is by a Christian group called Tenth Avenue North, and it's title is By Your Side.

My adventure out here in Austin, Texas hasn't been as simple as I sort of thought it would be. But I constantly reminded myself that more than my family was supporting me in whatever way. God and I are still working on our relationship, though I feel like it's almost one sided, and I'm sorry for that. But He has been here since day one, and will be by my side through eternity. Just as things seem completely out of control, He sends hope and comfort. I am truly blessed to be where I am right now, though at times I do get caught up in this earthly form.

I am very grateful for the opportunities that He has given me just in the last two weeks. I just got a full time position at Goodwill, which is going really well.

But I still miss home, and things hear are still shakey, financially, but God will provide.

I want my Mom.

Everyone has some kind of comfort when everything seems wrong, mine is my Mom. She always can make me feel better even if I was the one in the wrong. Just something about her that makes me feel safe regardless if times are crazy or just frustrating or even both. She loves me completely, because I am her child, but it's conditionally. I know God is the same way, yet I'm yearning for something more physical.

I feel really alone right now, though I am surrounded by people. But not people that I'm comfortable enough to spill my emotions in front of. My life is being controlled by other people and all I want to do at this point is go home and be were I can even just cry and get it out. I'm tired of swallowing and swallowing every emotion that I have simply because I have no one to counsel with who really knows me. People back home know me.

Yes, I have Jason I can talk to, but right now it's not helping to much. I guess cause I'm just getting the same/similar answers, because he can only do so much or knows so much. I'm so lost in this situation and trying hard to figure out what it is I'm suppose to be learning.

I made it...

Now what am I suppose to do? I haven't even been here for a week and I'm not liking it at all. I realize Texas is a whole lot different than anything I have experienced in my 25 years of being on this planet. Yes, I have only lived in California and Arizona, but I never thought I would live somewhere so different and shocking.

I still do not have a job. I haven't looked a whole lot and I need to hook my computer up since Jason's computer apparently do not have MS Word on it. I have yet to call the gentleman at the seafood resturant downtown maybe I should do that tomorrow.

I don't think I'm home sick. I think I am just frustrated with a lot of things and it shows more with Jason than anyone else. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I haven't even finished unpacking the load I brought almost a week ago and beIng told it would be better if I went this weekend to get the rest of it that is being stored three hours away. This house is so little I'm not sure where everything is gonna go. There is no garage to even use for storage. But I should be thankful that I do have a roof over my head...

Goodbye Flagstaff...

As of Wednesday evening I will be leaving Flagstaff for the last time, only to return to visit rather than be a resident.

Yesterday was my last day at church, and I actually was a bit down about it. Ok, more than a bit. I have only been going there since January, and here it is August and I'm leaving. It was nice though, they planned a send off lunch for me. I had figured Jim and Pam (the pastor and his wife) were probably going to take me to lunch, plus I had nothing to really do, I was mostly packed from the day before. Funny thing was I got to church, and started to feel the anxiety of me actually not returning to FSBC like I have been doing for the past six months now. And then to have people secretly plan a lunch for me without even really knowing if I was available, it shows the family love that they have to offer not just to me but others. I stayed til the end, actually being one of five people to close the building down. Pam wants to have dinner before I leave, but we will see how that goes. I will miss her and Jim probably the most because they became my Flagstaff Parents in this short time. Pam even told me I was like her daughter. There were a few people that weren't there that I didn't get to say my goodbyes to, but I hope to visit in December since the plan is to be in PHX around that time. I promised at least a monthly update for everyone there at FSBC, I figure I can do that much.

I got to go see my family two weeks ago, everyone but Rebecca's family. It was still nice to visit and talk. Just sucks I'm going farther away, yet visiting about the same. It will definitely cost more to visit, since it's a full 24 hour drive to Long Beach from Austin.

I am still looking for jobs, I have only had one real call back, but we will see where that goes. Still have to get in touch with the schools about subbing, at least for now.

I'm excited to be starting a new adventure just wished it didn't take so long to get there. At least I have Debbie riding along and visiting for a week. It will be nice to have family around even though it's only for a little while...

Let the countdown begin...

I'm about four weeks from being in Austin, Texas for the next chapter of my life. I plan on leaving Flagstaff on the 5th, stay in Peoria for the night and then head out on the i-10. Jason's sister, Debbie, is going to ride with me from Phoenix to Austin. It's gonna take us two days since it is technically a 16 hour drive from Flag to Austin, so we are gonna spend the night in El Paso. That leaves eight hours to Austin which should be cake.

I have to ship some things ahead of me though Jason has already taken some of my stuff with him. I thought I down sized quite a bit but not enough to pack it all in my truck. My prints and images are mostly my problem. Anyone know where too look for large narrow boxes to ship things like that in? It will all get worked out some how, I just wished I knew how.

I have applied to ten jobs so far, most of them being receptionist type things. There is one job I would really like. We it's more like there is a place I want to work. It's with a sign shop the specializes in screen printing. I applied to three of their open positions that seemed to fit me but have only heard back from them that they were reviewing my application. I just need something and know God will provide but I really am starting to worry about. Most places don't like applicants that aren't local or having to do phone interviews.

Jason has two interviews this Monday and Tuesday. Both are with companies in his degree field, which he has two degree. More marketable I guess. He has been without work for the last two weeks because of moving and the fact that his paper work for a transfer was accidently thrown away. I'm glad that it's finally being sorted out and these other offers have come up, I just hope it's not any longer that he is out of work. His cousin Adam has been in Austin for almost six months now and still no job.

I'll be visiting home in two weeks and boy am I excited. But it also saddens me since I won't be home again until December. I have adapted pretty well being only seven hours away for the past few years, but now it will be more like 24 hours. Two hour plane ride is what Debbie, jason's sister, says. Why is the distance such an issue even though I will be visiting about the same?