I'm lost...

I don't know how else to say it, except that I feel completely lost on what I'm suppose to do in life. I feel so stuck without any kind of light or direction. Before moving out here, I sort of had a plan for myself, though I wasn't sure about a lot of it, I was still hopefully and excited for the chance and change in my life. But now it just feels like regret and emptiness. Yes, the way the world is economically and such is a major effect on those "plans" and have me just wanting to surrender and head back with my tail between my legs, but nothing else. No insight or plan for my future, except to leave Texas. I just don't belong here...

Our Sunday School class was going over how to be joyful in all things, which to this world makes no sense at all. How can one be joyful when there is so much going wrong every second of the day? We, Christians, are commanded to Rejoice in all things and give Him (God) praise for all things. So I'm struggling with the joy/rejoicing part. My life has flipped upside down, and spun out of control on more than one occasion, and I'm suppose to find joy in that? Find joy in the fact that I basically spend all my time at home in my room, to avoid the annoyance that has consumed my home... There is joy in my life, just isn't the focus like it should be. Jason is trying really hard, and do mean really hard, to make me happy and laugh, even when he's had a bad day. I'm really glad I have him, cause I think if we didn't have each other, we would have fallen apart and farther into the pit of despair.

So what do I find joy in right now? The fact that I have a family that loves. The fact that I'm reminded daily that my parents did a great job at raising seven kids, that are respectable members of society. I also find joy in the fact that they, my mentors throughout my life, are/were excellent teachers and examples of the Christian life. I find joy in the fact that though I am far away from those I love most, I have someone who loves me just as much, reminding me that I am loved. But most of all I find Joy in the fact that God gave me a gift, not a reward, but something as free as the air around us. Free Life, an eternal one for that matter.

Please pray for me and that I find direction soon. I know God has a plan for me, and has had one before I even existed. I just need wisdom to know where He wants me next...

2010...

Well here is my first blog for the new year and decade. Not sure what to write. Seems like all my blogs lately are just upsetting sob stories of my life right now. Not that good things never happen, just seems to be getting worse and worse. Jason agrees with me. We aren't where we should be, weather that's Texas, church, or our current residence.

Jason has been told for a few weeks that he was possibly, a strong possibility, getting transferred to a store north of us as Manager. Well just a few days ago he found out that they hired someone outside the company. Jason is currently the number one seller in all of Austin and in the State of Texas, so he's really upset about the way Sears works. This is the third or fourth time since transferring out here they have screwed him over. First it was they lost his paperwork, so he was out of work for two weeks. They decreased his pay, when they originally told him he would be making more, and there are other things that have happened that I can't remember. He's been looking to get out of Retail for a long time, but I'm so sure he has a lot of time to do so.

My job is ok. I'm just so tired of doing the same thing over and over now. I need a change, but I haven't been looking.

I won't be home for Christmas...

I finally told my Mom last night that there was no way I could come out for Christmas, let alone Christmas Eve (which is usually is the big thing with all my family). I cried, a lot. I feel like a loser cause I told everyone that they would see me again around the holidays, obviously that's not how it worked out. I do get Christmas day off, and either the day before or day after as well, just don't know for sure. I think my Mom my be trying to sneak me home, which she should waste her money just to have me there for 24 hours, though it would be nice to see everyone. This will be my first Christmas away from home. Growing up kinda sucks, no it does suck.

There is still talk of moving back towards the West Coast, more like Jason has already made up his mind to move back to Phoenix. I'm not so sure I want to live in Phoenix, and I do know I would love to live in Flagstaff, and was going to try to make it work this year, before I decided to move out to Texas. At least in Arizona, I would be close to home, half a day max, cause I would have to stop and visit with some of my family along the way, regardless if I lived in Phoenix or Flagstaff. But moving to either has its pros and cons. Phoenix is actually closer to my Parents, but I would have to basically start over like I did here in Texas. Flagstaff would make me just two hours further than Phoenix, I have a Family in Flagstaff (Church Family) and a lot of my friends are still there, but there are no jobs unless I take a class at NAU (600 bucks) and my Friends are only in Flagstaff until they are done with school. But then there is a plan C, I guess you could call it. Just move on back to California. Which other than the family I have there, I would have to start all over again. There are very few people I still stay in contact with that are not my family...

I have a lot to pray about...

Not sure what to do right now.

I've been working non-stop it seems between my two jobs. To the point that my body made me stop yesterday. I still feel a bit crummy and not a hundred percent yet. But I'm trying to keep on trucking since I need the money. But I think soon, I will only have one job. Though I'm getting a pay raise at the grocery store, I'm having to work seven days between the two. Plus, I could pick up a few extra days with Goodwill, since they are currently short handed, and get paid more for the days that I would be at the store. It's not worth the stress and anger that I have been experiencing at the grocery store, I'm just not happy there. Yeah, they gave me a dollar raise, and are planning on teaching me to bake, but I'll have no days off. No time to recover from the week.

So I don't think I'll be going to California, let alone Arizona for the Holidays. Which sucks big time. Tickets are too much, I'm barely scrapping by, and don't have vacation time just yet. And now Jason is talking about moving back to Arizona next summer, after our lease is up. I think that just him being stress out from all the bumps we have had since arriving here. I don't know what direction we are suppose to go.

Well I better get to bed. Work 10 hours tomorrow at Goodwill. I am real do like working there, though I am alone most of the time.

I won't turn away

One of my favorite songs is by a Christian group called Tenth Avenue North, and it's title is By Your Side.

My adventure out here in Austin, Texas hasn't been as simple as I sort of thought it would be. But I constantly reminded myself that more than my family was supporting me in whatever way. God and I are still working on our relationship, though I feel like it's almost one sided, and I'm sorry for that. But He has been here since day one, and will be by my side through eternity. Just as things seem completely out of control, He sends hope and comfort. I am truly blessed to be where I am right now, though at times I do get caught up in this earthly form.

I am very grateful for the opportunities that He has given me just in the last two weeks. I just got a full time position at Goodwill, which is going really well.

But I still miss home, and things hear are still shakey, financially, but God will provide.

I want my Mom.

Everyone has some kind of comfort when everything seems wrong, mine is my Mom. She always can make me feel better even if I was the one in the wrong. Just something about her that makes me feel safe regardless if times are crazy or just frustrating or even both. She loves me completely, because I am her child, but it's conditionally. I know God is the same way, yet I'm yearning for something more physical.

I feel really alone right now, though I am surrounded by people. But not people that I'm comfortable enough to spill my emotions in front of. My life is being controlled by other people and all I want to do at this point is go home and be were I can even just cry and get it out. I'm tired of swallowing and swallowing every emotion that I have simply because I have no one to counsel with who really knows me. People back home know me.

Yes, I have Jason I can talk to, but right now it's not helping to much. I guess cause I'm just getting the same/similar answers, because he can only do so much or knows so much. I'm so lost in this situation and trying hard to figure out what it is I'm suppose to be learning.

I made it...

Now what am I suppose to do? I haven't even been here for a week and I'm not liking it at all. I realize Texas is a whole lot different than anything I have experienced in my 25 years of being on this planet. Yes, I have only lived in California and Arizona, but I never thought I would live somewhere so different and shocking.

I still do not have a job. I haven't looked a whole lot and I need to hook my computer up since Jason's computer apparently do not have MS Word on it. I have yet to call the gentleman at the seafood resturant downtown maybe I should do that tomorrow.

I don't think I'm home sick. I think I am just frustrated with a lot of things and it shows more with Jason than anyone else. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I haven't even finished unpacking the load I brought almost a week ago and beIng told it would be better if I went this weekend to get the rest of it that is being stored three hours away. This house is so little I'm not sure where everything is gonna go. There is no garage to even use for storage. But I should be thankful that I do have a roof over my head...