Ephiphany Friday

I am so grateful that my work week is over! Never in my life have I even been so excited for the weekend, well actually Friday. This week in the office has been crazy. Work is piling up, but not because we are behind or slacking, but because this month alone there has been an increase of sponsorships. So, we are adjusting and working as a team.

For those who do not know, I work in Downtown Phoenix. Every Friday near my job there is a Food Truck event. For a few weeks now my office mates have said they would like to go, but each week something comes up, and we don't go. This Friday, I was going, end of story. Some eventually backed out, but I didn't go alone, and enjoyed it.

Since our group was small, three people, it gave each of us a better opportunity to get to know more about one another. Inquires of current life situation, marriage, and of course, food see to be the main topics. The first two are hard for me to share, especially Jason and I's current situation. One, when asked, elaborated on how she met her husband, including the first time she saw him. It was sweet, honest and storybook. "It was straight lust," followed by laughter, "I wasn't a Christian at the time." I often forget that those around me, though my organization is a Christ-Centered one, that some people were not saved until Adulthood, such as my husband. Made me think of my life, if I never accepted Christ that night at a youth rally. Where would I be? Certainly not where I am now.

Then the phrase, "I have done such worse things as a Christian, than when I wasn't saved," presented itself into our conversations. And I realized how true that is for most people. But why? Is it because we, as Christians, while trying to walk with Christ, we are more receptive to our Sin? I think that is part of it, but if we are more receptive, they why does it seem that sin plagues our lives more? I know, I'm over thinking it, but basically, I am saved, "We have Grace," and it is my relationship with Christ that matters, not my faults. I'm only 28, human, and walking with God. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be on this side of heaven.

I'm not sure where I was going with this entry. Maybe nowhere except affirming my faith and love of God/Christ, and that I am loved unconditionally no matter what I do.

Getting Back on Track

I'm somewhat excited, especially since I just made a major purchase. I finally bought running shoes! I know, I'm lame. What a silly thing to be so excited about, but I'm also excited about a new store opening soon by my house, but that's another day.

I am proud of myself, finally have no excuse to go out and at least walk for now, and hopefully be running in a few weeks without major soreness. Hopefully after awhile, register for a 5K in a few months, and start competing again.

Also, I'm back counting calories, or at least being more aware of my intake and of what I'm actually eating. I'm also working out, somewhat, but hopefully more constant.

Small Goal: Workout everyday (even if it's just 20 minutes of movement)
Large Goal: Lose the 20lbs I have gained since getting married by my anniversary.

I have done it before, got down to 145lbs just before moving to Austin in 2009, but since then life has been very different and always changing. But I'm going to take the bull by the horns and really stick to it this time.

Crying

How I start my Fridays. Well, mostly because someone really got to my heart. I am the youngest person in my office at FH, not the whole organization, but in my department I am. So I'm often given advise or asked about my husband and this whole joblessness that is the center of our life. Usually I just say "he's doing ok, looking, applying and sometimes down about not being able to provide" with a smile and control of emotions. Today, I couldn't hold my composure. I did not have a break down, if that's what your are picturing. I can't help but be frustrated with this situation as of late. Not frustrated with Jason, but with trying to figure out life again.

And I'm not a crier. As a kid, I faked tears time and time again, so as an adult, I hold it back, or not let it bother me to that extent. I know this will come off as asshole-ish, but crying makes me feel weak. I have cried at work before, a few times, due to similar situations during that time. Some wise man once told me, that I try really hard to give the appearance that I'm tough. I'm unsure as to why I do that, but I do know that I do.

I am a strong woman, and most will realize that when they meet me, but I tend to go beyond that at times, as if I'm a He-man Woman hater. I'm not your typical woman either, which sometimes makes me insecure when I see others my age or in my surrounding being "feminine." Maybe I should work on that...

By the way, I love my co-workers, and I know that they are only concerned and praying about Jason and I's situation. Just like everyone else, some days are harder than others.

Half Way There

On this upcoming Saturday, I will have been officially married for six months. SIX MONTHS! Six very life changing, strange, and growing months.

Let start with the growing, both physical and emotionally. I'm sensitive, maybe because I love and care full heartedly. Maybe because I'm the baby girl of our family. Or, just because God needs me to be for others or better relate to those also classified as "sensitive." Jason, not so much, which causes conflict, but we are working on this together. I'm trying my best not to act on first hurt, because it's not always his intention to hurt. We both have also realized how much Marriage is different than dating. Dating you can escape, leave to your own space, or just end things, cry a little, and be done. Marriage, you have joined your lives together, and separation is a heck of a lot harder, and neither one of us is willing to give up on each other. Do not be quick to think we are constantly at each other, arguing and thinking of divorce, we are just adjusting to things neither one of us is used to.

Physically, I have grown, well not grown, but gained 20lbs in these six months. I'm so upset with myself about it as well. But what have I done? Nothing. Maybe hoped, dreamed, and set out for healthier me, but not physically doing anything to get me there. I so easily say, "I just need to run, and I'll be good." but right after, "But my current weight would reek havoc on my already damaged knees." A year ago, I was still considered overweight, thanks to BMI's inaccuracy. I was living at home, but while at home I was doing more than sitting at a computer for 8 hour a day. I was totally into my gardening plans, helping family, and eventually planning my wedding. Now, as I mentioned, most of my daylight hours are in front of a computer monitor, well actually two. Then it's home, sitting again, exploring the internets and watching TV with Jason.

Yesterday, I decided to change that. I'm not looking to loose 5 lbs a week, or anything crazily unhealthy like that. I simply want to loose the 20lbs I have gained since September. My first goal, minus the end results, is to do seven days of a workout I found via Pintrest.com. Just seven days of some kind of work out. So far so good.

A life is hard for everyone in the world, and Jason and I's life just got a bit harder. A few weeks ago he was fired. Lame, big time. But we are adjusting, and he is doing his best to find where God wants him now. We are trusting God once again, it's just hard when your household income gets cut in more than half. We just ask for your prayers. Thankfully were are already on a budget, have our "emergency fund," and our tax return. So we will survive on what we have for a bit, but it's still scary. We could be worse, far worse.

Life is changing, always...

Maybe it's me

I don't know, things have been very stressful. I don't know if it is the way others are expressing issues involving me or if it's the assumptions that are made in regards to these issues. To be honest, I'm getting really tired of it all. I really do not like being viewed as someone I'm not. I'm trying not to take this to heart, but I never ever try to build myself up as something I'm not. Or imply I'm doing things in that manner without consulting others or following instructions.

Jason says I am a rules freak. Maybe it was my upbringing. I follow the rules, instruction, and guidelines to the best of my ability. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I don't follow everything to the T, but I try really hard to be on the up and up. Rules are there for safety and logical reasons, or that's how I look at it.

I'm sorry for this post. This just hit me this morning and seems to be happening a lot lately, which is why I'm wondering if it's me. But not to sound like a jerk or righteous, I doubt it is me.

Christmas is coming, and I'm no where near ready for it, but then again I am. Jason and I are still trying to figure out if we go or stay for Christmas. It would almost been fun to go what we did last year, minus the proposal. But with his work schedule we would have to leave Christmas Day and money is tight. Also, it's our first year together as husband and wife and it would be nice to spend it just he and I, but what would we do all day? Jason keeps saying we should start some kind of tradition, but his "ideas" are ridiculous and he doesn't mean them. I'm thinking of making us stockings, even though we both already have some from our parents, but this could be a new tradition. Plus, I need to sew.

I really want to see my family, haven't seen them since the wedding three months ago, and it's hitting me harder as each month goes by. Though I wish I was living in CA with my family and getting more opportunities to see them, I really like my job with FH. I do plan to head out in January for my sister's baby shower to which I will be driving. But I'm still excited to be there...

I Have a Purpose

If you haven't read Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life, you should. It's not an amazing book, but definitely hits some key points that everyone can use or be reminded of.

This week has been amazing! A week ago, I found a posting for a job that just seemed to fill my spirit with so many emotions. After praying, crying, and talking with Jason about it, I applied and put it in God's hands. Literally five hours after I submitted the application, I got a call for an interview opportunity with them. Yes, I have experienced this before, but this was different! I could feel God working, and it was amazing to even just have the opportunity to interview. So Monday, 2pm was my slot with Food for the Hungry.

A friend of mine sent me an article about interviews and wedding rings. After reading it, I talked to Jason a bit about it. "So just wear your band." My engagement ring is pretty big, not my choice. I'm fairly simple, but Jason did the picking and that's what he felt I deserve. That morning, I took my engagement ring off, looked at my hand and realized, "If they judge me on what's on my hand, I don't want to work for them." So I left my rings on.

I get there, 20 minute drive down one highway, but I'm an hour early. So I sit and sit, read an magazine I brought with, and did my best to save gas but not over heat in the Phoenix heat. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking and I just kept talking to God. I finally decide to go inside, and I'm immediately greeted by two ladies (about my age or a little older). Next thing I know, I'm in a personal conversation with the "President of First Impressions" or the Receptionist. Sharing where we are from, me being only married for 2 weeks and moving to Phoenix. It was nice to just have someone willing to just talk and sort of make the whole thing a bit less formal. I never once felt awkward. Final, one of my potential interviewers comes and takes me back to the Director's office. As we were waiting for the Director, she asked me about myself, which after a few sentences I blurted out, "I'm really nervous." We both laughed, and she said she knows the feeling, she was in my situation a few years back, once again, taking the edge off a bit more. She shared a bit more about what the job is and the community of the whole organization.

Finally the Director comes in, and it's laughs and giggles, which just helped me more and more feel more comfortable. The interview went smoothly and actually was really enjoyable. It had to be the best interview I have ever had. I was really excited to be able to share my background including my faith. Some of the questions I gave interesting answers to, but at least I can say I answered them all honestly! I almost started to cry during it, when talking about the emotions and feelings I had when reading the post for the position.

I left the interview feeling so blessed. I didn't care at that point if I got the job. God just surrounded that place, and you could see and feel Him working within each person and as a whole.

Two days later, I had another interview with another company. Whole Body donations, being the front end/receptionist for them. Yes, I would probably have a hard time discussing with people about a passing or even the benefits of body donation for them financially. So I went in there and give it my best. I get home, lounge around, get another phone call for another prospective job. Then FH calls! "Can you come in tomorrow for a second interview? I know it's short notice." Once again, I felt God working and was amazed!

9:30am, I got there 40 minutes early this time, because Jason warned me about the horrible traffic, which I got there in 25 minutes. So I sat there, filling out a background consent form for the body donation company and talked to God. 9:15, I went in, talked to the receptionist again and two other people that happened to be hanging around. The second interview was mainly so that another person could ask any questions they felt were miss, and since they would be my prospective direct supervisor, they wanted to meet the candidates. Also, had to do a interview with HR. The HR interview I was sort of sweating bullets, but once again was just honest. Maybe it's because I am more of a in the background sort of person and meeting new people makes me nervous. "You should be getting a call back either today or tomorrow, but we are going to try for today."

OK! So I go home, try to eat, FAIL! I just was nervous. I'm one of three people, and they are going to be calling everyone on my reference sheet. What are they going to ask them? I hope that everyone was available to talk when they call. RING! "Hey Raylene, it's ****** from FH, I have a wrong number for one of your references." My heart sank, because I was hoping it was "the call." I quickly found my error and gave her the correct number, but once again my nerves got to me and I was just uneasy for the rest of the night. Next morning, I get a text from one of my references. "I did my best!" Right then and there my nerves were no longer an issue. Once again, I put it in God's hands and enjoyed my day with my husband.

1245pm, "We would like to offer you the position." I nearly screamed yes! I think they realized how happy I was! "Be for we move on, we need you to sign the offer letter and other paper work so that we can do our background check." So, Jason and I go and grab some celebration tacos and head down to FH for me to sign my papers. Once again, the receptionist greeted me and made me feel at home. The Director came next to greet me, "She got the job right? We're hiring her, that's why she's here?" came from the Receptionist. "No, I'm just here to sign thank you for interviewing papers." She looked sad, but the Director quickly asked her, "who did you say you wanted?" She said me! I guess I made a great impression on her like she did me. It made me feel amazing that I was wanted more than just for my skills, but for who I am!

Signed the papers, said goodbye and was told I would start a week from Monday! I'm so excited! I told my parents before posting it on Facebook, which it took a lot of self-control to not type "I got the job." I can't help but feel blessed! I thanked and continue to thank God for this. Without him I would have never found this position, never would have applied, and never would have felt confident during the interviews.

Even though this is an awesome thing, and Jason and I are going to go to dinner tonight and celebrate, I can't help but notice the hardships of those close to me. Accidents, illness, lost. These are my focus now. These are what my prayers are filled with today. I know God is working in these situations as well, and the out come is up to Him. I just pray for peace for these involved and that they are drawn closer to His loving arms.