Unwanted Compliments

This week has been a whirl wind, and I can't seem to keep up at the moment. Yet, in this craziness, lack of sleep, and overall boredom state, I have seen so much encouragement and appreciation today. Made me realize that I am an amazing person, not just in regards to my job, but in the relationships I have developed with those around me. It's still hard to hear someone, who I deeply respect, tell me I'm "the bomb." Yes, I deflected with, "your amazing," because that's what I do. But really, I am. I'm the bomb, I'm talented, and most of all loved. People do not say these things because they are being polite, it's the truth, so accept it!

This month has been filled with missed deadlines, extra work load, and a bit of the pits. Yet, I sit here, with a smile on my face, because I know it can only get better, and this is just a moment in my life where things are not ideal. So I'm gonna work this muscle of mine that hasn't really been in use for the last three years... Hope I don't get a cramp.

How do I get there?

Yesterday was a bit of an emotional day, even depressing somewhat, which only leaves me completely exhausted. I started looking at job prospects for a majority of my day, in an attempt to be productive on my day off. Probably was a poor choice in activities, but none the less I did it for hours. Did I actually apply to any position? No, because I don't even know what type of work I want to do anymore. And excuse, of course, but really I am in a weird transition it seems.

I'm looking for growth, but also a promising career path that will include this growth along the way. Something that isn't just a filler job, like I have had in the past, though I gained ample experience from those. And something I can move with, as the idea is not to stay in Phoenix forever.

I was reminded by a quote I have on my FB profile; "Our problems are opportunities to discover God's solutions." Ultimately, God is in control, even if I am unhappy with my current standings, I need to remember He's guiding me. My friend, in efforts to cheer me up, hit me with a bit more. She pointed out that so many people were praying for me, praying that I would transition into this new role, some that even work with me indirectly. Yet, the position was filled with someone else. Immediately, I was ok, maybe being brave for those around me that would be upset. Some even shocked at the decision, but I said I was ok and that God had a plan.

Yesterday, I had terrible memory loss, because I forgot this. I once again, as humans do, took all of this weight and tried to manage it on my own. "It's ok God, I'll take care of it." I felt loss, bitterness and even anger. And the feeling of I was on my own in this, which is STUPID! So I worked myself up into some sort of depression, which didn't help that I was home, alone to my craziness.

Today, I'm better. Reflecting and friends always help. But most of all, prayer and meditation.

Day Two of 32

Yesterday I turned 32. Not totally shocking as I was expecting it, as I do each year, but this year is different. But was shocked with the amount of love I have received from so many people, not just family and friends. And I thank you!

Two weeks ago I had a huge interview, within my currently company. Truly felt I was a great fit for this position, but they decide to go outside, which I knew was a possibility. The way the news was given to me, didn't prevent disappointment, but was still greatly appreciated that it was done face to face and I could get great feedback from the head honcho. Which now, has turned into a type of mentoring, or that's how I see it.

This individual has challenged me to really narrow down what it is that I want to do, within this organization I have been apart of for four year, or possibly somewhere new. We have only had one face to face chat so far, but already I'm realizing things about myself in regards to my employment that before I didn't even think about. I'm hoping through this individual that my insecurities regarding professionalism fades, but that I can move forward and not feel like I'm stuck anymore. There is a better position for me out there, where my talents and desire can truly be used to their fullest.

This year will be a year of change, and I excited for it. Yes, there is always change, but I feel there is going to be some big this year, but only if I do my part.

I'm going to set some personal goals as well as these professional ones. Not because it's a new year, but because it's new me. I'm not going to include fitness goals or some clique crap like that, mostly because those are great and all, but I hardly stick to them. These personal goals, are for growth, mostly in regards to loving myself.

It was recently mentioned to me that I need to really thinking about what I let rent space in my mind. Currently, at lot of that should have been evicted a while back. Bad habits, insecurities and just overall irrationality. People are just people, I shouldn't be concerned in how they view me or how I think they may perceive me. I often count myself out before I even get to introductions. "They are going to think I'm and idiot, or realize that I'm just average." But I'm not average, and I am very intelligent, but I assume others are far superior to myself. It's just plain stupid. So I'm going to work on that. Negative thinking just causes irrationality.

I usually, from these irrational thoughts, seek encouragement for those around me. I call it a slap of reality, but really it's just me being a whiny brat. "Help me, help me! Tell me I'm just thinking to much." I'm an adult, not a child, and need to stop acting as such. I'm going to write down every day positive things about myself. Again, negativity just ruins everything, and is not constructive at all.

As I journey through this, I hope to continue, or re-continue my ramblings here. This blog is almost nine years old, and been a great asset to myself, but I don't utilize it as I should. I hope to change that.

Four years ago, this week in fact, I moved from Southern California to Phoenix, Arizona. I can't believe it has been four years, but alas, that's what happens when you grow older. Time passes faster and faster, and you try to just hang on. 

I will admit, the only thing that excited me about the move, was that in a month Jason and I would be married, and that Phoenix would only be temporary. I had no job prospects, close friends, or even family in this little valley of the constant heat, but I came, knowing it just had to be here for a little while. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I think, no, I know I would still willingly move here.

Why am I ok living in a place that is basically Summer from May to October? I'm not entirely sure, maybe the heat got to me, fried by brain or something. But I do know it's because I needed to be here, now, during this part of my life. Without the events, actions of others, and epiphanies, my mind and education would not be what it is  now. 

I would not be me...

For those who read these little posts, I'm sorry I have been away. I have thought about updating a few times, but alas, I never follow through.

It's been almost a year, and almost feels like nothing has changed, even though that is pretty much a lie. So I'll give a summary, I guess.

Job status: I still work at the same place that I have worked since moving to Phoenix. Same frustrations, work load, and incompetency from my manager and co-workers. A few weeks ago, we were celebrating my managers 5th anniversary with the company, so the Director made a little speech. The words were sincere on his part, but I couldn't help but feel like they were lies. That night I started updating my resume. I have applied to a few places, so far have only gotten one rejection letter.

Family: Still waiting for a big fat positive, which it's been year since I conceived. It's been driving me a little crazy each month, but have taken the first step to see if somethings preventing me from conceiving. So far blood work looks good, which helps me mentally. I'm just at the point in my life I need to know if we are gonna have kids or not.

Business: This I have been avoiding like the plague. Well, more like telling myself I won't sell anything, and it's a money pit. I just need to somehow re-wire my brain on this. I just don't want to put my family at a financial disadvantage.

Otherwise, everything is good, minus the extreme heat that is the Phoenix staple.

Dream Job Wanted

For almost a year, I have been overwhelmed with the idea of starting a business. I have been getting confirmation from others that I should start being more serious about it, including my husband.

I catch myself day dreaming about being in my home and working on plates, images and packaging, rather than sitting at a desk all day, staring at a computer screen in dead silence. But then I snap back in to reality, and my fears of failure stress me out more than they should. If I don't try, I have already failed.

Yes, I need something new in my life. Weather it's a job, hobby, or even social circle. But I really want to create these ideas I have been writing down, so why not sell them too. I technically already have an order for Christmas cards, but that's just through a friend of mine. I have been picking the brain of my successful sister-in-law, state business websites, even a mutual friend who has her own music lesson business. But where do I start? How do I market myself? Will my stuff actually sell? And pricing, I have never been good at pricing.

My sister recommended a book, Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job, and honestly I haven't read it completely, but it is very interesting and actually helpful. My current job isn't terrible, but I have really gotten to the point of "maybe I should be doing something else." I have been looking for awhile, but I don't even know what I want in terms of a job. I have had many days where I have told Jason or others friend that I'm just going to quit my current job. "I can't do this, I should just walk out, or give my notice." But I can't do that. As the book states, I will just get a new bosses in the form of bills and debt.

As soon as we move (September) I hope to have my first order done and gearing up the season in hopes to sell some thing... I know it will be a learning process, regardless of what happens.

It's Been Pouring for Awhile

In these last three months have been... let's say crazy, difficult and trying. But we kept trusting God and His plan for us.

In January, I turned 30! Still not sure how I really feel about it, but it's just another birthday. I was grateful to get to spend dinner with Jason and a few friends. I really wanted to get out of town, but Jason's work schedule was (still is) insane that we couldn't even road trip up north. It was probably for the better since my job was trying to finish up year end stuff and my manager and I had a major blowout.

Also found out the house we are renting is going on the market. We had only just moved in six months prior, which is disappointing, but a small part of us was glad we were given the ability to move without penalties if we found something.

I ran my first 5k in over 10 years! Can you tell what kind of race it was? Had a little trouble, but great friends right beside me the whole way. It was fun to not have a time clock and be able to experience something completely different than the traditional road race. Could have used more vendors. Shopping was uneventful.

I hardly trained for it, which is probably why my knees were crap for the next three weeks. I still want to make running my life passion, but the injury and lack of motivation set me way back. I need to find something that works for me and my current season of life.

Finally February, and Jason was able to get way! We went to Vegas, Jason's choice, and got to meet up with my little brother, Sam, and his wife, Randi. We stayed at the Las Vegas Hotel, which is not close to the Strip, but one of the monorail stops. Would I stay there again? Probably not, but it was great to just hop on and get pretty much anywhere or at least within walking distance.

We all just kinda went with the flow, nothing really planned, which made it great. Jason even got free tickets to a show and Randi got us club access. But I think the best part was hanging out with them and laughing about certain games, Sam's way to win on video roulette, and the food. 24 hour Buffet passes are the way to go when it comes to dinning in Vegas.

On our drive back home, I got horribly ill. I could not get warm and was literally wearing three jackets at some point and feeling as if I was caught in a snow storm. It lasted a week! I have never been that sick, and others told me there was flu and some stomach thing going around at work. I hate missing work, but I could not function enough to even eat something some days.

But back to work I went, feeling exhausted and crazy at times. Ironically food seemed to help. Probably because I was pregnant. This was the first test I took, and Jason made me take another to be sure. Both excited, but Jason was still unsure. We had been trying for over a year and I had gotten point of feeling like it wasn't going happen. 

Made a doctor's appointment, which they don't like to see people until they are 8weeks along. So February 14, it was confirmed and started moving forward in figuring out what we needed for our growing family.

Being slightly overweight, I'm considered obesed, I had to do an early one hour glucose test. Not fun when you can't eat anything for 8-12 hours. Got my results back, and I was in the "grey" area, and now had to do a three hour and that my initial exam found something that could be considered major unless treated. I was so stressed out about and and panicked. Glad I had someone to talk to who seemed to calm me down.

Three hour glucose is no joke. I felt like my body was buzzing during the last hour before my final draw. I brought a book, but I couldn't even focus on it because I was starving and woozey. I think the trick to any of the glucose tests is to get it done as early as possible in the day. Eat dinner the night before, go to bed, wake up eight hours later go to appointment. Oh and don't believe what they tell you, even eating protein in the morning can cause issues with the test.

I was very thankful I never experienced morning sickness. Just complete exhaustion, which is frustrating. Some days I just was too tired to even function as a normal person. But was glad my three hour glucose came back with great results and my other testing as well.

I know March isn't over yet, but part of me wishes it was. Jason is still working like a mad man. I maybe see him a total of two and a half waking hours each day, unless he requests to leave work earlier. Though this job is almost completed, he was told they might keep him around until August. It's good cause the jobs are scarce again, but I know he needs a break.

I finally felt the exhaustion was dying down, which my doctor told happens around 10-12 weeks. I was excited to soon be hitting my second trimester and being out of  risk zone. But that didn't happen.  On March 9th, 10 weeks pregnant, I ended up in the ER. Around 7pm, I had a miscarriage. I was glad Jason was there with me, but sad for him. He finally was getting into the "we are having a baby" mode. None of this was our fault, just timing wasn't right and the baby stopped developing to move on to  next stage of dependency. I am the time that knows nothing happens by accident. May be I'm suppose to bring support to someone that ends up going through it too.

I didn't cry until maybe late the next day, and not much. I still get sad, and sometimes cry for bit, but am very much like my mother. I guess I'm lucky, in the fact that I understand and trust that God is in control.

The hardest part of all this is having to tell others that I had a miscarriage, especially those who were so excited when I told them we were pregnant. Seeing the sorrow on their  faces and the need to asking me multiple times if I'm ok or how I'm doing.

To be honest, I left the ER knowing I was ok. I'm healthy, didn't have other complications, and was able to go home and be with my husband. I know that probably will make me appear dark hearted and insensitive, but it's the truth. I lost my very first pregnancy at 10 weeks, but doesn't mean my life has to stop because of it. A great friend of mine told me it's ok not to be tough during all this... But I do just feel like I'm being myself

I'm still in the process of having my blood drawn weekly to confirm my hgc levels are dropping and going back to normal. I also have had my follow up appointments to confirm that things are not complicated and reassured that things like this happen, but doesn't mean I can't ever conceive. So we are waiting but hoping it's not another year to see that little plus sign.

We had another loss this month as well. Jason's poor Vivian finally needed put out of her misery. For years we have known she needed either six to seven thousand dollars of work, or be replaced. After looking, researching, saving, researching even more, poor Vivian finally had her last ride Wednesday. Jason was really sad that we didn't get as much as he thought on trade in, but that little car went everywhere and we ran her into the ground.

I was not excited at all that we more  likely would be taking on more debt. Just as we started really powering through it all and saving for future moving expenses and baby, but our hand was forced. I even suggested becoming a single vehicle family and me carpooling with my friend that lives up the street or even taking the bus. Jason vetoed that, especially since we wanted a family and my single cab pick-up would not do. So when Vivian needed oil every other day and the power steering was leaking was $400 to fix it. We got serious, narrowed it down to three cars, all formal rental cars with less than 30k in original miles.Thankfully they all were at the same dealership, which is only eight miles from the house. 

The first time we went, we just went to look, not be bothered by a sale's person, or even waste their time, cause we weren't buying at that time. Which was good, because the online price did not match what was listed at the dealership, which got sorted out, and we got to really look over the bodies without having to be pressured to look past it because they are previously owned.

Then a few days later we came back, and they were slammed. We were there for over an hour before anyone even asked if we needed help and it was a weekday! We left, cause we both had to get up early for work the next day, so we thought we would try again later in the week.

Finally, we get back to the dealership, Jason even left work early, and we immediately get hooked up with Bud, hilarious old man from Detroit, who never made me feel pressured about buying anything. We had already done a pre-application, mostly because we found a great car for an excellent price, and were pretty sure that if it drove the way we liked and had no real complaints we were going to take it home... It sold two days prior to our return on Monday. So our three turned into two... We first looked at a red Ford Fusion SEL, which I hated how boxy it looked exterior-wise, and the dash looked incredibly too big, and more buttons than I cared for. We didn't test drive it.

Next was a Chrysler 200, Limited four cylinder, which was similar to the dream car, even the same color, but we really wanted a V6. So I test drove it, which is weird, cause my little truck is not sensitive at all, so I was extra slow and cautious. I liked the feel, how quite the ride was, I fell in love the body style, and felt like it drove well. Jason noticed somethings, and had done prior research and still insisted we get a V6. 

Well they only had one other V6 on the lot, and it was brand spankin' new. Only 28 miles, 2-8, that's it. Was a Touring, rather than a Limited, which meant it didn't have leather seats and some other features I didn't even notice unless pointed out. Jason test drove it. I fell even more in love with the car.

After the test drive, Jason and I talked without dear ol' Bud. Yes, a new car would be ideal seeing as we planned to drive it until it was run into the ground too. But we didn't from the start want a new car due the amount depreciation that occurs after purchase. We still went ahead to get numbers going, so see what it would be a month, and what we could get for Vivian. We walked away, but promised to return later in the week due to classes and other obligations. Only request Bud made was that we get with his buddy Cody, when we come in.

 Well, Wednesday we went in there, met up with Cody, who wasn't as hilarious as Bud, but even more honest and straight. Jason found out earlier that they just received another Chrysler 200 Limited V6 that was a formal rental car with less than 30k in miles on it. I was so thankful for this car, cause Vivian was almost dead this week, and it looked like we were given a better option. We looked it over, talked numbers, got Vivian looked over, and started the process. At 10pm we drove home in our new (used) 2013 Chrysler 200 Limited. It wasn't until we started to get in the car that I noticed it was a FlexFuel, not sure hope helpful that will be, but ain't it a beaut!

We got home, and Jason told me he head buyer's remorse... It really was he missed Vivian and was sad we left her to basically be crushed into a cube. Also, unfortunately for him, he gets to drive my truck for work. Not because I'm the wife and should always get the new car, but because this is not a car you take to a construction site. My commute is only four miles one way, so I won't be putting the miles on that Jason would be going to work.

I'm really glad I have Jason though and he was able to take charge in this whole process, even with his insane work schedule. It was all foreign to me, and he did his best to explain it all to me, even when I got moody. I'm also really glad we both got a car we both enjoy!

So, even though we have had a crazy ride these last days, weeks and months, we are blessed and continue to see the blessing from the storm.