I found myself sleepless in the LBC last night. I even went skating at nine last night and this morning to burn of some aggression and give myself some alone time to think a bit, and talk to God. A lot of things have come up during discussion with many other people, including just in my writings. I'm pretty happy with where I'm at in life at the moment. Enjoying my forever growing family, my friends that I can really call friends and not just acquaintances, even the occasional rendezvous, but being of this body, I'm wanting more and always will.

Thursday, we discussed Romans Chapter six and seven, and the beginning of eight thanks so Emily. Those two chapters basically explains how through Christ we are dead to sin. It no longer controls our mind, but the flesh with always be tempted. Why is it that the flesh is always pulled in the direction I'm trying so hard to avoid? I'm not a big witness for my faith, mostly because I personally have an issue with breaking out of my comfort zone for the most part. Also, my life style away from church/California isn't one some people would consider that of a True Christian, or even Baptist. But that's not what's making me somewhat divided at the moment...but does bother me enough to want to change.

I'm not changing for anyone, but for myself and my relationship with Him. And I have stated this before to myself a number of times, but upon my return to the city of the Pondarosa Pine, I allow myself to never leave the start line. So I basically have a disciplinary and obedience problem. I set goals for myself, both spiritually and physically, and I have yet to reach either. I start off running it seems, strong and full adrenaline, but at mile one, I'm turning back. Not because I'm tired, but my motivation dissipates or the fear of the "new." I've failed many times, and yet it's something I really want, so I try again and again, knowing I will always fail. All I need is to take that little step, which is going to church in Flagstaff. Simple as that! I'm not saying I'm gonna go be a missionary to China like my Aunt Leota was, or a preacher's wife, or a leader for VBS (Vacation Bible School), but that step would help me in my walk with God and see more of His plan for me.

So what's causing me to be restless and uneasy. That list is probably a mile long in reality, but it's just a mile. But tonight was a few specific things. After reading someone's blogs on myspace, well they only have six, i realized that some of what was said may be in reference to me, due to the time frame in which it was written. I'm not trying to say that they should be, or are, just made me think.

I've poured myself out, or at least tried to to them, and still I feel I'm trying to hide, even though I can't. They can pick out things that I, myself haven't really taken into consideration. I like critiques, plain and simple, even about myself. You don't always see your behavior, actions, and personality without the help of an outside source. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, but do we really acknowledge them?

I allow every stressor that presents itself at my feet to be something grand and huge, even if there is no reward or acknowledgment being received upon completion. Some of these things shouldn't be a big deal, ie the correct way of pronouncing of my name and other annoyances at work. The aren't gonna change my life or effect my future. The same could be said about my family. I love them, and always will until the end, but due to the lack of things growing up, I'm stuck searching and still expecting it from them. I've advertised that I'm number six of seven kids plenty of times, but what does that really mean. There is 14 years distributed through the seven of us, so when I was born, the eldest was half way through middle school. So what does that mean? When it was time for me to go through though things in life, most of my family was already grown and moving on through college. Which also meant my parents, which this year turned sixty, were getting tired. So family trips were decreased, thus so where my life experiences. I wouldn't change my childhood, or how I was raised. We didn't have much, but we had each other and just enough to get through. So now, with me and Sam being the ones finishing school, I still am looking for that slap on the back, that I know I won't get.

So to the rest of the world, I go out trying to prove myself to them, even though they will see me otherwise. I'm tough, but I'm a lot of other things too. But I consume myself in the competition of proving I'm this strong person, which only makes me unhappy in the long run...

I do question my intelligence at times. I realize that people are smart, and have different categories in which they specify in. I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I excel in areas that most don't. That's because I made the effort to do so, and why did I make the effort? Because it was something that I was passionate about, and just came easy to me. Back at Cerritos, while taking Dr. Dave Young's Counseling and Guidance 200 course, I learned that you perform better in those things you enjoy and love. Those things I have have never stress beyond what was needed. My Athletic Training class, I never studied, and always seemed to have one of the highest grades in the class. Anatomy was the same, but since I didn't study, I had a C, but still was doing better than most of the class. Even with my prints, they only seem to stress me out while I'm working on a plate or block, never hanging around for hours. But these other factors in my life, most being that of little importance, I allow to ruin my day. I don't have to prove to anyone who I am, but yet I still do it...